Exhaustion (and surviving)
I went home last night and slept for hours and hours. Dayne was late coming home (has been working out of town these last few weeks) and I was ready…had dinners for Colt ready to go in the fridge (for once). I didn’t force feed him the moment we got home because he chose a banana for snack (what a good kid) and then wasn’t hungry enough to eat even though I was worried that I’d fall asleep and leave him starving. Colt isn’t the sort who makes a fuss over the way he’s feeling…ever. Hunger motivates him, of course, but not the way you might expect. He feels it but has a very well developed way of ignoring it (ahem. Wonder where he got that trait from). Even as a baby, he didn’t complain about things like dirty diapers. He could be soaking wet and dragging a soggy diaper around, falling off his butt it was so full, and never, once, did he ever ask to be changed. It just didn’t matter to him. Same goes with hunger. He can be starving hungry and won’t mention it until offered food. So…this makes me rather paranoid at times and nights like last night come up. I was worried he’d not wake me and it would suddenly be midnight when I snapped awake to find him playing on his iPad, unbathed, unfed and wide awake. Anyway…I managed to stay up until 630, got Colt some pizza and salad and that was about me. I did get Dayne on the phone to make sure he’d be home in time to get Colt in the shower but that was all I could do before I crashed.
I’ve been fighting this sort of exhaustion for a long time now. It seemed to get better for a while and I was functioning well for about four months before it crept back up on me. It’s an overpowering feeling of fatigue; my eyes close and my vision blurs; I can feel myself losing consciousness as I battle the exhaustion and try to force my eyes to stay open. If I close them, even for a moment, I tumble frighteningly quickly into sleep. Last night, for example, I wasn’t even lying down when I crashed. I woke when Dayne came home but that was only because I was keeping myself from really going out for Colt until his dad was home to take care of him.
I always have a reason for the periods of exhaustion when they happen so it’s just recently that I’ve started to connect the dots. I have had these episodes in childhood (I thought I was just too stressed out with my family and was hiding in sleep), in my teens (I was homeless and starving and thought it was the lack of energy from the food I wasn’t able to eat), in my 20’s (I was working a job that started at 5:30 am and I figured that my body just couldn’t handle getting up that early) and then several incidents in my 30’s (I started anti-psychotics which sedated me then narcotic pain killers, then muscle relaxers). It’s always been a different excuse. I’m thinking I need to get that sleep study done sooner than I originally thought….I wonder if all this isn’t connected more to the sleep issues than anything else. It seems obvious, I know, but it just never connected in my head before now. I decided to google search my symptoms last weekend and they are rather close to narcolepsy, however, the episodes don’t usually come and go with that disorder. I do experience moments of sleep paralysis and very brief cataplexic seizures…but those only happen when I’m asleep. The most striking similarity is the sleep stage skipping and a very thin line between awake and REM cycles. I can, easily, slip into dreams (REM sleep) and can often actually track the progression, still knowing I’m awake but seeing and experiencing my dream at the same time.
Maybe I’m half-narcoleptic, half physically aging before my time. Menopause and wicked arthritis through my spine before I even hit 40. That said, not feeling like I’ve just been shot in the neck with an tranquilizer dart would make everything else a lot easier to cope with now, wouldn’t it? The most hilarious bit though, is that if this has anything to do with being narcoleptic, there’s no freaking treatment for it anyway! ha HA! Good one! Another untreatable issue in my life is just what I wanted. *sigh* Ah well. It’s all just a theory at this point anyway. I did read that many narcoleptics find life much more manageable when they are able to take a nap in the afternoon. I wonder how my bitchy boss would like that one. lmao!!!! I might just suggest it just to see her face.
So. Today I’m very, very tired. The ‘about to drop off into sleep’ feeling is nipping at the back of my eyeballs already and it’s only 9am. I’m so far behind at work and the bitchy boss is back from vacation (super bitchy too…it’s as if she went away for a week and came back worse).
Bah. On with it Grainne. Hope everyone has a decent day today. Time to vanish into my piles of paperwork….