It was a nice weekend. It flew by but Dayne and I had a chance to reconnect a little and Colt got to rest. I got out to see some lovely music and spent time with a woman I am confident I can call a friend. Colt got some swimming in at the YMCA and most of the housework got done. There are dishes in the sink and laundry is still piled by the washer but at least it didn’t get neglected for sleep, but for more engaging, productive things. I can’t complain about that, now, can I? (Ha! I could likely complain about anything, given the time and motivation).
Dreams were exhausting last night and I’m left with that same foggy need to complete something I can’t identify. It’s so annoying, that. I would just finish it if I could remember what it was…even just telling myself the story of how the task finished would settle something inside of me but I can’t seem to nail it down. Too tired. Too Monday, I think, is the problem.
I feel so isolated. It’s odd….not stressful or painful, just very separate from the rest of the world. I feel like you could walk right up and hug me and I’d only be able to see the touch, not quite feel it. Again, it’s that partial dream state fog I can’t shake. It’s as if I’m sitting just two inches to the left of my body, almost connecting….almost. Close enough to feel the energy flow like static between me and myself but not so close as to unite or solidify in any way. Strange. My pain is a bit higher than usual today so that’s kind of grounding me back where I should be but every chance my body gets, it starts to lift and drift away. I wish I could sleep. I maybe just didn’t get enough sleep last night. I don’t really know.
Well, time to get some work done. I have a very busy day and week ahead of me. Hopefully I can stay focused until it’s time to sleep again. I’ll go down by dinner time tonight to see if that helps. I kind of want a few extra hours with my girl (in dreams) anyway. Last night I was there many times…so many I can still smell the woods at the far end of my breath when I inhale. If I am completely lost to the moment, I can hear the birds singing in the tree tops while the wind blows softly through. I wonder if this is the place I’ll go when I die. It’s a bit locked to me now but maybe when I move from this world, that one will fully open up for me and all the scary things will be beaten and gone. Maybe the whole place will be mine to explore forever. It feels safer and more fulfilling than here at this point. Huh. Interesting fantasy there Grainne. Longing to live in nightmares. I’m glad I’m not feeling much today.