A post full of wonderful
(I can’t get paragraphs in. Grrr…please excuse the poor readability of this post)
I am having a strange morning so far. It’s not quite 8 am and I’m just starting work. I have a nasty nerve pinch in my shoulder (or spine – pain is likely just being referred elsewhere) thanks to physio yesterday. He did a particular movement with my neck that he did last week. It flared me up big time but by the next day I felt pretty darn good. He’s tried it again to see if the same thing happens and, so far, it’s about the same only less painful than last week. He did take my headache from a 5/10 to a 2/10 (which is basically not even a headache to me anymore). So that’s kind of great. Will see how this weekend goes. I’ve scheduled myself an outing with a work colleague that I’m kind of wary about but it’s to see a symphony orchestra and choir …. I mean, it’s not like I won’t like it. I LOVE live music performances and used to go all the time. I have always had music in my life…I was a music major in high school and college…I just stopped indulging when things turned dark. Anyway, the idea is sound and the company will be great. It feels like a good move.
Ever since last week when a blog friend shared a moment with me, one she had that opened her eyes about people and her relationships with them, I’ve been reeling. It was such a simple thing….she realized that she was pursuing relationships with people who didn’t return the feeling and, on top of that, she realized that she didn’t even really like one of them. I read the comment, smiled, related and then it whomped me right in the face. Holy shit….that’s me exactly! Mike…for example. I do care about him but what I was trying to create with him was so, very different from what he was trying to create with me, we were missing the mark by a mile. The reality of it isn’t very pleasant but, it’s a sound theory and I can’t shake it now. I spent an enormous amount of time trying to love people who didn’t love me back and I wondered where I was going so wrong. (Sorry, I’m repeating myself here….I’m processing the feelings still…)
So. Point. I feel different. I feel like something has lifted from my shoulders and now I am much more free to be the person I used to be without all the shame and guilt…all the failure. I was setting myself up to fail every single time yet I felt blindsided by it. How was that not obvious to me from the start? How did I not see that in years of therapy? My therapist even told me this…I thought I understood it but I was wrong…I didn’t understand it at all. Now that I do I can feel myself changing by the minute.
I’ve not only decided to indulge in music (which is a part of my soul that has been missing for years), I’ve also re-joined a writers guild that I used to belong to. They just had a little poetry contest for new work that they will be printing in their monthly newsletter (usually contains 30-50 pieces of writing that is at a publishable stage. If a story, you have to have it down to third edit to enter). I submitted a quick poem I wrote a couple years ago and won a spot on page 5. I’m pretty excited about that. I’ve also rejoined a writers website through the university affiliated with the hospital I work for feedback and refresher lessons. I get access to the English department resources and have a set number of hours I can consult a prof or post-grad student. I was thinking I’d use this support to really get into writing again which is another fuel for my heart. 🙂
And then photography. I’ve just had a phone upgrade and the camera on my new phone is easily comparable to the pics I get with my DSLR camera. That one’s just a hobby but it makes me happy, capturing such beauty and then sharing it with others.
Last up on my new path to happiness (lol…how corny does that sound?!) is tattoos. I know there won’t be a ton of supporters on this one but I so love ink. I am well decorated with almost my entire back covered, three on my legs and one on my ankle and foot. I’m going back in April to get a bit more done on the ankle piece and maybe a small piece on my wrist (that will be the first easily visible tat I’ll have but since I’ll not be going back into a highly professional role I’m totally okay with it. I used to work with the Board of Directors here and ink/piercings were not a good fit, but now? I can wear jeans if I want….in fact, right now I have black denim pants, my brown suede winter boots, a black tank top and a short sleeved cardigan on. Ahhhh Friday. The wrist piece is small and very meaningful to me. I’m looking forward to getting it done. Plus, I’ll get to see my living angel, Tiffany. (For those of you who are new to my blog, Tiff is the friend I’ve had in my life longer than anyone. She literally picked me up off the streets when I was 17 and moved me into her place, fed me, gave me her old clothes, helped me get a job….she saved my life and it changed me in the best of ways. She’s also my tattoo artist!). I started a facebook account to connect with the tattoo community. I hate facebook and rarely use it aside from a collection place for old work colleagues to stay in loose contact with, but this one is different. I’m actually connecting with some amazing artists around the world and it’s a fun time waster. I’m enjoying it this time, more than I expected.
So there’s a post full of happiness right there. I can top it off with the amazing hug Colt gave me this morning before I left for work. I wake him just before I leave in the morning while Dayne is in the shower by crawling into his bed with him and snuggling him awake. He quite hates it some mornings and twitches away from me when I kiss him or whisper in his ear but he tries hard to let me love on him…lol…he knows how much I love it. This morning, however, Colt took full advantage of my willingness to cuddle and grabbed an extra ten minutes sleep by curling up in my arms and mumbling:
“Hey mom? Will I always be your baby, no matter how big I grow?”
lolol…oh hell yes! I told him I would love him and hug him and need him forever. I told him he was the best kid in the entire world and that I was so lucky to be his mom. I said I was so proud of him and how hard he has been trying at school. The swearing is minimal now, he’s stopped threatening students and teachers, he’s trying to do his work without complaint and there’s been zero physical aggression since returning from Christmas break. He is treating his friends with more respect and kindness and is starting to reflect the best parts of himself off others. It’s nothing sort of astounding to watch and I’m not sure if it’s a permanent change or just a transition but wow….it’s healed something inside me….quelled a desperate fear that my son was going to lose his way before he even turned 11. I feel like I can let that particular fear go, at least, and the space it left behind is just filling up with love. How wonderful is that?