Body Issues

Hmm. So here’s an issue. If you don’t want to hear about my weight feel free to give this post a miss.

As most of you know (because I complain on here a heck of a lot) I have gained a fair amount of weight in the last couple of years. I used to weigh 100 lbs…occasionally pushing it to 110, and I could eat anything in any quantity at any time without altering that at all. I could go days with no food and then binge on an entire pizza (easily) and all was back in balance. I DO understand that this is youth and that our bodies just do these things better when they are younger, so not to worry, I’m not completely clueless here. Anyway.. I got pregnant, gained a freaking ton of weight, lost it after Colt was born and was back to normal on the outside, but inside the postpartum depression and cptsd rolled together to form a perfect storm in my brain and I suddenly found myself needing medication to stay afloat. The meds changed my body and the weight gain started….and here I am, nearly a decade later, and a few months ago I weighed as much as I did when I was nine months pregnant. It was horrifying and felt so uncomfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. (….well, uncomfortable with the outward appearance anyway). So I did what I could do, tried to control things as best I could. It was harder than I ever let on.

One time, I wrote about how I felt here and a woman I had grown to respect and care about got offended by (or just flat out disagreed with) my thoughts. She was someone who always read my blog, often commented helpful, supportive little things. I thought of her as a blog-friend and we shared a bit over email as well as between our blogs. I asked her what had happened after she stopped reading and engaging with me and she just said she was too busy to constantly comment on everyone’s blogs. I had been following her since she started and her audience grew quickly. I thought (for some stupid reason) that she, of all people, would be understanding and patient with me. I mean, she was bipolar, had physical health concerns, was a normal, struggling, functioning human being … it floored me that she just walked away because I mentioned how I felt about my chubbier self. It HURT. I told myself it shouldn’t, that I was being way oversensitive and that I needed to accept that some people would not agree with me but it only meant that and not that they suddenly hated me for my thoughts. But…she never came back. I was just stunned. I figured out how to let it go but the echo of it wouldn’t leave me. Maybe she suddenly just stopped liking me. That happens sometimes right? I wish she would have said something though….I’m left with the impression that she ditched me because I said I didn’t feel good about how I look anymore.

And…this stupid turning 40 deal is really eating at me. It’s bothering me that it bothers me! Age is just a number…it means nothing! Yet….I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about the things I haven’t done or didn’t accomplish. I’m worried that Dayne will pack up and leave me and no one will ever want me again. I took some photos on the weekend and my god I looked so old. I can see lines and gray hairs, the tiredness in my eyes….I’m so exhausted that it’s making me look suddenly older than my years. The pain is dragging it out of me too. It didn’t help this weekend that I tried hard to look good…to entice Dayne into a bit of fun. Not only did he not make a move, he barely touched me all weekend. I don’t think he wants me anymore. I’m not sure if it’s just burn out because we’ve been together for so long or if it’s just that the offer is now always on the table from my perspective so now it’s not as enticing. ? It’s like we switched sides. Now I’m always looking for some action and he’s always ready to sleep or complain of a headache. Haha…it just struck me that this is what happens at this age…women peak sexually and men recede a bit from their “I’ll fuck anything at any time” mentality from their younger years. Maybe that’s all it is.

So…to wrap up this weird, disjointed post, I am just not feeling so great about how I look. I’m going to try to do something about that…I want to be wanted all the time again. Maybe if I flatten my tummy and tone up my legs and arms I will feel better. I do love the boobs that came with the weight so I want to keep those as much as I can. I think I’ll shoot for 130. That sounds possible and not too unhealthy doesn’t it? Really, I just want to feel beautiful again. It was such a nice failsafe to have in my life. Even when I was absolutely alone in the world, I still felt like a decent version of myself.

Back to dreams in my head…that girl in the woods. I did visit her last night but she wasn’t home. I walked around her empty house, outside and inside both, running my fingertips along the surfaces, committing them to physical memory using every sense I was able to capture them with. I touched the wood of the porch with my fingers, palms, lips….tried to connect it all together and take it into myself somehow, to keep always. She reminds me of something wonderful and hideous at the same time. I recoil and reach out again and again. I need her somehow…she feels like she could show me the way.

Hhm. Tired. Gotta focus on work now or I’ll drift off to sleep with my eyes open.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

7 responses to “Body Issues”

  1. paindepression says :

    Maybe the girl in your dreams is a part of you that you feel is gone…
    I can tell you that men do not care what size you are. I have seen men with drop dead gorgeous woman cheat with the complete opposite. When I ask men about these things I was told that size had nothing to do with it, but the confidence the person has, had everything to do with it. My daughter is heavy and yet every day at work many men hit on her, ask her out and want her number. Because she is extremely confident! It’s mind boggling sometimes.
    As we age our bodies make everything harder to accomplish. It is so very hard to get started on an exercise routine. Just to get up and start is the biggest hurdle.
    I will be in Florida on Sunday and I am looking forward to spending the time completely focusing on myself.
    My second husband told me the reason he no longer thought about sex much was because he knew he could always get it so it no longer was on his mind. Plus, your guy is also getting older too and yes, they loose the sex drive usually. He has been stressed out with work and that too will add to it…

    • Grainne says :

      Hey 🙂 I was just thinking about you and your trip south. I’m glad you’re going to see your parents again…the break will do you good. You always seem to find so much healing there. 🙂

      I hear you on the men and the confidence deal. I used to have it in droves…strikes me as sad that I can’t hold onto that confidence unless I look exactly as I want to, physically. You’re right though. I will have to look deep inside and find the parts of me I seem to have lost.

      Yes, I often think the girl in my dreams is a part of me that I used to love. Maybe who I thought I was or should be. I think about it a lot but try to keep things in perspective so I don’t end up obsessing over it.

      Ahh life. You enjoy your visit with your folks. I hope the weather is nice for you and you get loads of sunshine and love. 🙂

  2. Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

    Ugh….getting old. I’m 41 and feel like I’ve aged 1000 years in the last three. While I’m as skinny as ever and don’t have gray hair yet, one look at my face will show you a haggard, sleep deprived woman in constant pain…it ain’t a sexy look. The only reason this hasn’t washed to the forefront of my mind is that I’m drowning in shit right now and life is a horrendous struggle. Maybe I should be thankful I don’t give two shits how I look or how my husband sees me…one less thing to worry about I guess.

    I do know what it feels like when an internet friend walks away from you after a long period of time. A 10 year long internet friendship I had just cut off communication with me a few weeks ago, and I’m not sure of the reasons. If I had to guess, I suspect he doesn’t respect my reasons for going into atheism…he’s considers himself a “real atheist” (apparently I’m not). It’s bewildering. I decided that I don’t have the energy to worry about it…I have enough on my plate.

    However, I do let other internet friends know the reasons if I suddenly stop following them…I figure it’s only polite, but it’s not always well received. I try to be as tactful and nice as possible about it but there have been times I had to put down a hard line. One of my former favorite blogs had a woman who suddenly became self injurious. She proudly described episodes of self mutilation that were so severe she needed medical attention, and she only ever had these episodes in front of her husband (who had done her wrong). She didn’t see this as a problem and thought I was an asshole for un-following her. The reality: I cannot sit here and read about people slicing and dicing on themselves without getting greatly upset…she never did understand that. So sad.

    • Grainne says :

      You raise a good point about your self-injuring blog friend; everyone has their limits and I do try to remember that in the land of mental health, those limits are often set sharply out of a need for self protection. I got the sense from my friends departure that she just thought I was being stupid but maybe it disordered body image messes with her in a way I don’t understand. Ah well. Likely won’t ever know and am just as happy to remain ignorant on this one.

      I’m sorry to hear about your friend the real atheist. That strikes me as so sad. 😦 why anyone would go out of their way to take someone else’s beliefs and discredit them because they do not match their own is beyond me. It’s a big part of why I have very little religion in my own life. As far as I could see, everyone thought everyone else was wrong and it didn’t look very inclusive at all.

      Thanks for being here. Xx

  3. mandy smith says :

    Reading this makes me think of my last post about someone who didn’t like what I was writing. I’ve come to think it could be that i sometimes what we write triggers a negative response in someone who who has their own issueswith that topic–though they never give us any idea that’s the case. Maybe? But I know it really hurts! ♥

  4. Birdie says :

    The last 3 or so year have had their way with me. I look in the mirror and just see old and fat. I am trying to lose weight and have lost 25 pounds I am at a place right now that I just don’t care. I am too tired to even try to do anything anymore.

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