Anywhere but here

Everything I know feels wrong today. I woke up from dreams and can’t seem to step out of them. I’m left with this near frantic feeling of needing to act somehow, although the driver of this need is completely missing. It feels very much like I used to as a kid when I woke up sleepwalking; I would be doing something that felt very important but the circumstances would suddenly change so greatly and rapidly I would be unable to keep up with the thoughts and needs. Quickly, like most people experience, the dream details would fade and I’d be left with this unsettling, unfinished feeling…like a black out but filled with desperate importance that I could not put my finger on. That’s where I’ve been all day (well, since 1130 when I woke up anyway).

Wasted weekend.

I’m lonely. Sad. Lost today. I feel an enormous need to be with the girl in my dreams, the one who lives in the woods. I feel something in my brain react when I think of her like this…something lights up and my heart starts to ache like I know her in reality. So confusing. Makes me want to sleep but there’s too much to do today.

Dayne is asleep on the floor in front of the fire. Colt is upstairs watching videos. The cats are hanging out with me and that is everything going on in here. The place is getting that cluttered, cabin bound feeling that comes with February around here. I feel panicky and like I want out but then realize there’s nowhere to go. No one to visit. Nothing to do. I feel like I should be doing something though, so once I’m done this post I will likely just get up and clean until I sleep again.

I miss things I shouldn’t be thinking about. I miss feeling things that make me want to indulge in doing them more.

Silly me. I know better than to dwell on this. It’s the darkness that always lurks in the corners. Staring into them never takes me to a good place yet, there’s a strange nostalgia in it all. Then again, turning 40 this year has been heavy on my mind so present and future thoughts are there too, floating along with the rest. I feel old. I see old in my face and in my hair. My body aches like its old as my spine crumbles away inside and my joints pulse and ache with the cold wind outside. My body wants to slow down and retire somewhere warm and dry but I’m just barely middle-aged. How will i reconcile this? I don’t know. I do know that a lot of it is mental and that you are “only as old as you feel and think”. That is mostly what screws me here. I need to adjust my entire mindset somehow.

40 is okay with me. I would take the life experience over youth any day of the week. I’m okay with no longer being tiny and thin, pretty and admired. I’m okay with the hardships life used to carve out who I am today…I really am. I just can’t shake myself loose of the concept behind it for some reason. Ah well. It will clear. I am already convinced it’s a fleeting thing, all messed up with other fears and lessons learned (or not quite learned yet). Everything will settle and change with time. It always does, eventually.

Hoping for some positive changes this time. Making them happen when they don’t appear on their own. Today, however….. Well. I guess I’ll go clean something and then I’ll just go back to sleep. See if my girl is around in dreams. Maybe she will be home and will open the door, ushering me into her bedroom for a peaceful, restful sleep in her sun-soaked blankets, side my side on the pillow. I love to be her twin like that; lie where she lies, walk where she walks. It’s like we occupy the same space at times, her just a fraction ahead of me.

Dreams. It’s the only thing I want right now, to be there with her. 😦 isn’t that just like my life though? The one thing I need doesn’t even really exist. *sigh*. Yay for Me.


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

3 responses to “Anywhere but here”

  1. Birdie says :

    I know that feeling of relax that comes with dreams. I do have bad dreams but I also have dreams where people that I love are all around and there is no depression and anxiety. It is the reason I can sleep a lot when I am particularly depressed or anxious.

  2. bpdtransformation says :

    Grainne, I saw on Another Hope Entirely (Kyra’s) blog that you were a friend of hers. I had been away from WordPress a lot for a couple months and just found out what happened. It’s so sad. I really liked her writing and communicated with her several times last year. I wonder what happened to cause things to collapse. Just too bad…

    • Grainne says :

      Hi there. I’m so sorry that you’ve just heard the sad news about Kyra 😦 It’s been a tough few months without her. If you have any questions, I’d be happy to share what info I have. You can email me if you like…

      She was such a wonderful friend and I’m still quite lost without her.

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