Okay. So. I’m starting over. I’ve let go of the folks who don’t want me and I’m reevaluating everything. I think what I’ve been doing (always) is simply going back to the last place/person I felt loved around when I need someone. So, the gal at work chased me for YEARS while I was depressed and kept trying to keep in touch with me. I thought that meant she cared so, when she needed someone I tried to be there for her. The rejection of that surprised the heck out of me but, it wasn’t exactly a mixed message she sent…I kept pursuing something that clearly wasn’t what I thought it was.
Mike too. Very much. He is focused on making his life better and changing the way he views the world. I do love him, very much….enough to let him crush me over and over and still care, still take him back and want to be there for him. It’s a self-destructing cycle and never-ending and I just end up feeling so unloved and like such a failure as a friend and person. I’m letting go, finally. It’s as much for him as it is for me.
The friends I will keep are the ones who love me back. Period. I’ll let go of the destructive things that keep me locked into desperate cycles and try to allow the good ones come to me. If the gal above or Mike suddenly decide I’m worth their effort, affection and time, I’ll reevaluate then, but I’ve got to stop seeking such destructive relationships.
Of course, I don’t really know how to maintain a proper friendship…hmm. Just paused to think there…that might not be entirely true. There are several people I’ve known here at work for over a decade who are always happy to hear from me and always want to meet up for a quick chat…a tea…some conversation and relaxation. I’m not going to pour all my energy and time into them right now, but I’m going to write them an email….meet them to say a quick hello through my work day. That is likely how true friends develop and I really believe that once I stop chasing the ones who don’t want me, the ones who do will have a chance to catch up. Am I way off base here? I sure hope not but really, it can’t hurt, can it?
I can almost feel myself leaking back into my own soul. I used to love me enough to do anything to save myself. That love isn’t dead…it’s just hiding somewhere in my nightmares. Time to find her again. Time to be her again. Time to love life again….its not good waiting until it’s too late now, is it?