Breathe in the good; breathe out the bad
I was standing in the shower in a dream, looking for a particular kind of shampoo I always find in that particular bathroom (whoever owns it hates me using it and they often tape it up with duct tape or glue the lid shut but I always find a way to get in…lol). I heard a weird, beeping, buzzing noise that sounded like an angry bee and I started to look for it in the tub.
*Confusing dizziness and things moving in and out of my line of sight*
*Beep beep beep buzz buzz buzz*
Oh. My alarm. And…awake. I got up and got in the shower thinking about how so much in my life feels like a deja vu but really isn’t.
The weekend was okay. I slept so much I feel like I’ve been away from work for a month, not four days. I didn’t get much done at home. I watched a few really freaking gory movies on Youtube – one I couldn’t even believe was on there. It was all about horrible things, immoral, twisted things and there was so much blood. It got me thinking about my psyche and how I process things after watching it when I read the thousands of comments left by other viewers. So many people were horrified and then the other half were poking fun at it, saying it wasn’t “that bad” and how “desensitized” they must be because it didn’t even bother them. There were multiple comments from people claiming to be 12 and under as well, which was the truly horrifying part. It was about rape and sodomy and the plot line was entirely perverted and demented … what the hell are 12 year olds doing watching that crap. Then again, I’ve always loved these types of movies for some reason. I love watching the gore that other people shy away from and the immoral stuff doesn’t really phase me because I know it’s not real…I mean, it’s just a movie, right? Anyway, it got me thinking about ‘triggers’. I’ve always disliked that word, mostly because it didn’t seem to apply to me. There are certainly moments in my past where a smell or a place brought back a memory and often times a full-on dissociative flash back so I guess I am affected by ‘triggers’ but, hearing someone else’s story, hearing someone talk about traumatic things…it just doesn’t set me off in that way. Never has. I’m not sure if that’s because I flick my feelings to ‘off’ or if the fear just overwhelms me and short circuits? Is that even possible? I don’t know. I had a glass of water and went to sleep right after the movie and my dreams were more pleasant than normal. Maybe I just like knowing there are worse, sicker things than me out there.
My body has changed a bit and I was hiding from the scale for a week or so but, finally, got up the nerve to step on it yesterday. I’ve lost another five pounds, which is exciting. Usually, when I sleep for four days I gain weight. I think it’s because my body isn’t getting any energy so it clings to the stuff I do manage to put in between zzz’s. If I can lose another 15 pounds I’ll be so happy….the trouble will be keeping it off. I’m doing much better than usual though, with eating. I think I’ve stabilized at this current weight so I’ll ride it out for a few more weeks then increase the exercise and cut the calories some more. I wish I was still 16 and could just stop eating for a week….that always worked so well. Sadly, your body grows wiser as you age and won’t let you pull those tricks anymore. When I drastically cut calories now, I end up gaining weight. (So not fair). .
Another way I screw myself is by seeking out the exact opposite personality type to what I truly want and need in a friend. I extend myself (endlessly) to people who don’t want me and then avoid the ones who do. It’s the stupidest cycle and it gets more stupid the more aware of it I become. Take Mike for example. He will not stay in my life for longer than a few weeks at a time and every single time he goes he blames me for ruining his life in some way that is entirely his fault to start with. He is kind to me when he is lonely and cruel to me when he is not. He tells me, flat out, that he doesn’t want me in his life and what do I do? I hang on his every word, check his blog daily, worry about him and think of him, imaging little ways I could make things easier and better for him. I know that he never thinks of me that way at all. He has never tried to make my life better, he only wants to make his own life more tolerable and when I fail to meet his ever-changing criteria, I am blamed, dismissed and rejected for it. He uses love like a weapon because he knows I have so little. Suddenly, this weekend, he started to feel dangerous to me…like a blade I was using to slice at my skin. I self harm by letting others hurt me. How stupid is that?
Same goes for the gal I’ve been trying so hard to support through her depression…the one who takes off to Vegas with her friend and posts photo after photo but can’t even manage to get out of the house for a cup of coffee with me because her ‘anxiety is too high’. She doesn’t listen to me when I speak or she’d have known that I understand that kind of thing better than most….or she doesn’t care is more likely. Or whatever. I don’t care anymore. I stopped texting and emailing, stopped checking in on her. Suddenly she’s sending me messages again but I don’t want to bother answering. I tried. I turned to her when I was on layoff notice and she dismissed me. Not two months later she was in trouble at work and I immediately ran to her side….to be rejected. Why I kept trying is completely beyond me. I’m not going to anymore though. I’ve had enough of her crap too.
Some people will say Dayne is bad for me too, but he really does deserve the higher status he has in my life. This weekend, he did everything (including cleaning the bathroom floor, toilet, shower, sink, dishes, kitchen, kitchen floor, fridge, laundry, and vacuuming the mail level of the house. Oh…and he also cooked all our meals and cleaned up after them as well…all while I sat on the couch and dozed on and off). He didn’t snuggle me or sweep me into his arms for the most passionate of kisses, but he grabbed my boobs a few times and told me I looked gorgeous from behind (giggle…he likes my butt. The bigger it gets the more he seems to like it) and he gave me a nice exfoliating body scrub (he literally put on a scrubby glove, poured some lovely coconut oil and sulphate free soap into it and exfoliated me head to toe in the shower. It’s like being scratched everywhere at once without hurting your skin and oh my god does it ever feel good. I came away feeling like he’d cleaned a layer of me right off the top (which I guess he actually did!). It’s those little things….the fact that he went out in the snow to fill my gas tank up so I’d not have to stop on the way to work this morning; that he put on his boots and started my car so it would be warm by the time I left (it was -28 this morning without wind chill) and he sent me a text telling me he loves me before I even got to work. THOSE are the things that should fill my life and my heart, not the poisonous backwash from other toxic, mean, self-focused people I decide to keep in my life.
There are good people in my life. This blog connects me to so many friends whom I’ve come to care for and need in my life. The support I find here and the space to put my world into words has helped me immeasurably over the last years. I will hold onto these good things and try to let go of the rest.
I don’t know how many times I have to say this to myself to make it stick, but I don’t want to spend my life miserable. I fought too long and too hard to give up now.