Good, bad, stress, rejection and love
What an interesting morning. Good/bad/happy/sad all at once.
Dayne doesn’t do well with emotions and struggles not to take things personally at times, especially when it comes to work. He gets rather cocky and quite enjoys when things go his way (to be fair, “his way” is usually the right way without cutting corners and he values the customers far, far more than his company usually does) but when the petty people get pissed off and dish it back, he gets very angry and hurt that they would do that to someone who is so obviously invested in the company. What he doesn’t understand is that his values, although high and very appropriate, are not always shared by those he works for. Sometimes they want cheap and he doesn’t do cheap. That conflict becomes nearly unmanageable in his head and things go haywire from there. He gets angry, says stupid things at stupid times and then the entire conflict gets bigger and more emotional until it comes to a head and he’s throwing up from anxiety every morning. He creates a lot of this angst himself, but he’s completely blind to it….it’s hard to help him through some of these situations.
This morning, he unloaded in the shower with me. I fell asleep at dinner time so he didn’t get a chance to vent and came to share my shower to get his thoughts out. I listened, tried to refocus him, tried to make him see how he could step away from the emotional aspect and drive the sort resolution that would most benefit him. It didn’t work immediately because it sounds very much like I’m dismissing his feelings (which I kind of am. There’s no need to take everything so deeply personal) and when he woke Colt up, the frustration spilled over a bit. Colt didn’t want to get up and Dayne just let loose on him for the belligerency and snotty attitude. Not wanting to start Colt’s day off that way, I interceded and snuggled a grumpy, chastised Colt on the couch and explained that his dad was having a really hard week at work. I told Colt that his dad was as unhappy at work right now as he sometimes is at school and that it was hard for him not to feel frustrated and grumpy while he was trying so hard. Colt seemed to relate (which was very cool). I told him that his dad needed us right then, to support him and help him get through his hard time. Colt agreed, feeling better about being yelled at, and settled. Then I went for Dayne. I talked him down through a crack in the bathroom door while he was taking a shit (lol – yes, we’ve been together a long time) and although I ended up leaving way late, he felt better about things by the time I left too. As I walked out the door I heard Colt giving him a hug and some advice on how to get through his day (how sweet eh? Oh, and he wasn’t still on the toilet at that point lol) and I headed off to work. Grainne saves the day. Now they are both detaching and feeling better, everyone is hopefully having a better day.
Then, I got to work and checked my phone since I passed out last night at dinner time. I saw that a friend from ages ago send me a message and I checked it…found out that her little nephew was in a terrible accident last week and lost his life. He was just a baby…maybe 2? It’s sickening and tragic, terrible loss. How does that even happen in this world?! It is so unfair to lose someone that young and innocent. I want to help her so badly….I nearly packed up and booked a flight to go to her. I asked her what I could do (I already know the answer is *nothing*) but I want to help so much. With Sara’s death still weighing on me I cannot stand the thought of the pain my friend must be suffering. She has a fund set up for people to donate to … a fund for the other siblings education, I think. I’ll donate, of course, but wow, does it ever feel like not enough. 😦
Then we have Mike. He’s told me that his psychiatrist is retiring and I know he must be coming undone. That man has been like a father to him for many years and I’m pretty sure he’s the reason that Mike made it through all the trials he’s faced. He doesn’t depend on many people, but his doc would be one he needs…or thinks he needs, at any rate. I would quite like to be there for him through this, but, he accused me of throwing him off track and said he needed to focus on his own life for a while. So…my need to take care of him is rejected. That’s hard for me to deal with but…I guess I can’t force myself on people now can I? LET ME FIX YOU! Just seems to send them running. I’ll shoot him an email at some point, to check in, but he’s made it pretty clear. He doesn’t want me as a friend.
I have made an effort to reconnect with a few people…the good ones who don’t make me feel like I’m either forcing myself upon them and don’t just want to talk about themselves. MH is one who has forgiven me for more friendship offenses than anyone alive and he’s taken me back as a friend without any guilt or ulterior motive. He was always special to me and I am so glad he’s let me back in.
My girlfriend – the one who just lost her nephew. She’s another who will forgive instantly. She has been through the wringer in the last few years and we’re revolving around each other carefully, but with compassion and love. I’m glad to be in contact with her again.
Drew is one who never leaves me. I mean ever. I think I could go into a dark pocket and vanish for a decade and he would still take me back with open arms. He means the world to me….never, ever gives up on me and he’s so supportive. I’m lucky to have him and I tell him so every chance I get.
I’m trying to connect with some of the lovely people I work with and it’s going so well…I’m trying to move very slowly, not pretend I’ll be up for meeting ten times a week over coffee. It’s easier here because we all work together and I kind of have to see them every day. That will be done carefully and slowly. Right now there are three I’m letting in. Will expand on it from there. I figure I’ll be here until I retire so…why not.
Of course, I fully expect this to all blow up in my face at some point. Will try to go with the flow until then.
About GrainneMy name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)
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