Isn’t it weird when you stop to think about what you want out of life and you realize how different life is since the last time you asked yourself? The last time I contemplated the direction I was heading in, I had a much younger child, a much happier husband, a much more optimistic outlook…I had a future. Now, things are very different and feel very much like there isn’t much out there for me anymore. I mean, I’ll be alive and the future will come to be the present but I almost don’t care what it looks like anymore. That must be a sliver of depression talking. Right now, it feels like all I do is sleep and work and yet I never get ahead and I’m always tired. How can that be? What am I doing to myself here? (Who carrrrrrrrrres Grainne. Just stop whining, work and then go home and sleep – there’s comfort in the routine at least). *sigh* I’m arguing with myself in print now. Excellent.
I dream of working in different jobs, living in houses where the people hate me and cannot wait to see me go, constantly packing and changing and moving, cleaning, showering, laundering clothes…trying to wash away the emotions and struggles, trying to escape and erase and start anew. I never get very far though…always find myself back where I started. When I step back and look at the length of time that’s passed since things were different, I’m horrified. How did I get here so quickly and with such a lack of grace? Stumbling along, tripping on tree roots, falling down hidden holes and wandering endless caves of blackness and fear. Is there not a way out of this? Is there a door right in front of my face that I’m missing? I don’t even know what to look for anymore.
Dayne has been acting really weird lately and I’m worried he’s pulling away from us. Colt’s noticed it too and has commented on it several times. I know Dayne is stressed…he hates his job (he always hates his job. He’s hated his job since the day I met him no matter where he works or what he does – I think, in reality, Dayne hates working with people, not the actual work he does). He’s struggling with family issues as well. They were out of his life for a long while but his father decided to lie about having cancer to get his attention. It worked, but then Dayne fell apart when he discovered it was all bullshit. I didn’t know how to support him through that so I just did my best….it seemed to make him pull away more though. He’s unhappy in life. I mean, I get it….who could be happy with *this*? His son is picking up every, single bad habit he has and is displaying them openly with fervor. His partner is asleep most of the time and in pain if not; struggling with a job that’s so busy and taxing it causes a whole separate layer of exhaustion and nothing I do seems to make it better. I don’t complain about work to him (he does to me but if I did the same all we would ever talk about is work). I try (hard) not to mention the pain. I try not to complain about it and try to keep my rampant fears for the future to myself….he doesn’t need more to stress over. It’s not like he isn’t stressed about it anyway…talking about it does little good. I don’t know….I try to support him but the deeper he digs, the harder it gets to surface again.
I don’t think he wants me anymore either, which is doing a number on my confidence and ego. The weight I’ve gained is a thing about me that I despise and I would cut it from my body if I could. If starving myself half to death would work, I’d do it, but these days, thanks to my shitty eating habits, when I don’t eat much I pack on fat. So, I try to eat small, balanced meals and that helps some but I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. Exercise it the key here, I know, but I can’t freaking stay awake long enough to do so and if, by some miracle, I manage it, the energy spent depletes me entirely and I end up sleeping anyway. Maybe I should ask my doc for some speed or something. Ha. Now there’s an idea.
The sleeping is just so frustrating. I try to explain it to people and they offer helpful advice without understanding that I physically cannot stay awake when I say I’m needing to sleep. Dayne finally gets it but that’s only because he watches me do it. Example:
One weekend he was getting ready to do my hair. We had gotten up early that Saturday (aka before 10) and had done the grocery shopping and running around so I was already exhausted by the time we got home and he started setting up. I sat down so he could start the foils (seriously, I am so lucky to have a personal hair dresser lol) and I was nodding off. My eyes would close and I would feel that switch inside that moved my brain from awake to asleep. Things started to echo and sound far away and I was having a hard time keeping the thoughts….they felt like they would start to hover and fly off while I was still thinking them. My head would roll and the movement would snap me awake again, but the sleep would pull me down before I had even got my eyes all the way open. I spend the entire time sitting in that kitchen chair more asleep than awake. Dayne completed the foils and then set the timer. I let my head drop and woke when the ding went off; marched to the bathroom and Dayne helped me rinse my hair. When complete I wrapped my head in a towel and made it to the couch before everything went black and that was me, out for the day. I slept from about 330 that afternoon until past noon on Sunday, woke for three hours and then went back out until Monday morning. There was nothing abnormal in my week, I wasn’t sick, I wasn’t in a huge amount of pain….I was just so tired I couldn’t stay conscious. That, is what it’s like when I say I can’t stay awake.
Of course, my last job here being a solitary role in an office contained in a very old, very hot, very isolated building made those pockets even harder to get through. I’m dead sure that I fell into a deep sleep, sitting up at my desk, more often than I realized in those last months. They had taken all my tasks away then and I was just waiting the time out before I found another job. It was very difficult to stay engaged.
So that’s me. Sleepy Grainne. I’m feeling somewhat more awake this morning and have managed to talk to a lot of people so far…getting lots accomplished. I figure I might as well ride this wave of awakeness as long as I can. Make good use of it. (Still contemplating the speed thing. I wonder what my doc would say? lol…I’m sure it wouldn’t mix so well with the narcotics though. Ah well, you win some, lose some eh?)
Okay back to work for me then. I have so much to catch up on from last week when I was so busy I couldn’t do anything but audit. ha. Never ahead around here. At least I know I’m needed.