Dreams and finally Friday.
So it’s Friday. Finally. I feel like I’ve already worked my entire week and then some. This was the worst week of my month, the first one…all of the big, time and detail oriented tasks I have to do close at the same time so I go from scrambling to get the long list of things I have to do complete before this week, and then I spent the entire week scrambling to get the audits done and submitted. It’s a lose/lose because no matter what I do. The crazy manager is now ‘off’ me and the other one loves me…I’ve flipped the dynamic again. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to make them both happy at the same time because they each get annoyed when I’m not working on their stuff. lol…god you’d think they would understand, but I do need to keep in mind that their perspective is entirely different from mine.
Spent the night dreaming of work and the woods. I woke with the most intense longing I’ve felt in a very long time. I wrote a bunch of posts that I drafted because I couldn’t finish them in the last two weeks, mostly about dreams of my girl in the woods. They were too disjointed to form a complete story so I kept giving up, but the emotional hang over from them was so strong it took my breath away. The worst part is that I can’t even define the emotion so I’m not sure if it’s a good, anticipatory type feeling, or a bad, painful one. It reminds me of those times when you go to wash your hands and the water is surprisingly very hot or very cold and for a split second, you can’t tell the difference. The closest I can get in words is ‘longing’. I might be in love with her, I might BE her, I might need her desperately, I might need to take care of her desperately. I might want her or maybe I just want to fill my body, heart and soul with her essence. I don’t know though and it frustrates me.
The last dream I had of her before the confusion began, I went to her house and found no one home. I crept around back and peeked in the windows, as quiet as can be, and when I confirmed the house empty a surge of excitement went through me and I and slipped in through the back door that is always left unlocked. Her bedroom is next to the back door and I went directly there, crawled into her bed and wrapped her blankets around me; they smelled of her and it made my heart pick up and my breathing slow down…lovely, blissful, peace. I hadn’t been there long though, before I heard someone come in the front door and stomp their heavy foot falls through the kitchen and down the hall that leads to her bedroom. I froze, hoping to look like a lump under the covers but it was already too late; he was there, in the room, standing over the bed. I could smell his unclean body and rotting breath through the blankets and only had a moment to peek out before his giant, dirty, scabbed up hand reached in and grabbed me by the hair. He pulled me out and carried me that way, dangling from my hair, legs kicking and my hands clamped onto his, trying to lessen the pain he was causing my head. He dragged me up the stairs and threw me into the master bedroom, locked it and went back down to the kitchen where I heard him sharpening knives. I escaped by destroying a beautiful stained glass window and scaling the roof to the lowest point where I jumped to the ground and ran for my life.
For weeks after that dream I would be dreaming and wanting to go visit her but was too afraid to go back. I inched closer by the day, sometimes just standing in the woods, staring in the direction of her house. I missed her deeply and felt so bereft. When I finally made it all the way to the house again, things took on an even more emotional turn.
I went back the night before last and screwed up the courage to go all the way there. I stood on the lip of the forest for hours, or so it felt, until I managed to make my feet move and I walked up to the front door, knocked and waited. I was ready to bolt if that man was still there, but, to my relief (and misery) her mother opened the door.
“What do you want?” she asked without any hint of kindness.
“I just want to see your daughter.” I said in a strong voice, although I felt like whimpering.
She glared at me but stepped aside and allowed me into the house. My girl was sitting on the couch playing on her phone. She looked up and smiled, scooched over so I could sit beside her, and I did just that, curling around her body and shoving my feet under her legs, as close to her as I could get. She lay her cheek against my head and sighed, seeming content. I immediately drifted off to sleep (yes, I sleep in my dreams) and felt safe for the first time in a long while.
When I stop and think of it, that is exactly where I want to be. It’s like she is peace itself, silence, comfort. Just being near her is good enough to find some silence to settle my soul. I need her so much….and she’s not even real. She’s a dream I dream and I don’t know what she represents or what I want from her or which side of me she may be a reflection of. She rarely talks to me (I can’t remember a time right now where she has, although it hadn’t occurred to me until just now), often dismisses me entirely and just walks away to do something else, or just smiles and turns away. I don’t understand the intensity of the upset that follows when I wake and am gone from her world again. I miss her like she’s real. It doesn’t make sense, but the feelings are real.
I also dreamed about work (no big surprise there) but it was more of a typical dream that everyone has when stressed about something. I was working so hard and I wasn’t ever leaving my desk so they built me a room to move into so I could work all the time. lol. The place was haunted (that usually just signifies stress in my dreams) and I was left there all alone at night, terrified. I think I need a day off or something. haha. Weekend’s coming. I’m worried I will sleep right through it.
Anyway. Life. Onto my last few tasks and then I’m counting down the minutes until I can get the hell out of here.