Relationships and a jerk of a boss
Oh for crying out loud. So I get four phone calls home while I’m sick panicking about stupid ass pointless things from my one boss. The other wants me to go home…she says she doesn’t want me to feel like I have to be here if I don’t feel well. Compassion and crazy. Nice combo. The nice one is happy with me this week because I’ve been hauling ass to get her all caught up and beyond. The crazy one is pissy anyway so my sick call was just another slap to the face, apparently. Am I just confused and mislead? Is everyone in the world like this and I’m just clueless? Is everyone’s job this way? What the hell is wrong with me that this seems to happen everywhere I work?
At first, I thought it must be me. First I thought I was maybe shitty at this kind of work. I proved to myself I was not and then I figured I was too unorganized? Maybe? I fixed that and then thought it was a matter of dedication; maybe I wasn’t dedicated enough and people could sense that it wasn’t the most important thing in my world…work? But seriously? There are SO many people here who barely DO their job… I just don’t know.
When it comes to friends, a new blog friend pointed it out clear as day yesterday: What’s wrong with you is you choose assholes for friends. Yup. That makes perfect sense! I do! I date them too! I’m going to stop that this time…finally. I’m going to not let people ruin my days. I fight so damn hard just to make my life mean something…..for all the hard work to mean something in the end, I don’t want to be spending my life fighting so hard against everything.
I don’t “do” friends well anyway. The people whom I think understand me the best are usually the worst for me. I often wonder if it’s because the ones who most ‘get’ me are people who have already warped their own reality around something they would rather not face. I think I remind people of the worst parts of them and they don’t like it. Maybe it’s because I manage to conduct (somewhat of) a life while carrying this load while they cannot.
All I know is this: I am not a bad person. I have a very large heart that is just aching to be filled with love but my head betrays me and stops that from happening. I manage to say the wrong things to the wrong people, but then, if they were good in my life, they would forgive me right? It’s only those who have written a character sketch in their head of who I should be that end up disappointed. When expectations are unrealistic it’s no surprise when I can’t meet them. I’ve noticed a lot of people do this…create their own reality. I know I’m guilty of it too in ways but I am a realist at heart. I look at the situation before me and I find my way though…every time too; never fails.
Yesterday, I asked a (no-longer) friend for comfort. I shouldn’t have asked him, I knew it clearly. I should have held out for whatever fantasy I had in my head that he cared, but really, I knew all along that he would turn on me the moment I needed a kind word. He used to comment on my strengths and I told him that it was no good thing, being a dog who could take a whipping, but I think I’ve changed my mind on that. I have a sense about me that really dislikes suffering…any suffering. When I see someone who reflects some of my own inner struggles back at me, I will do nearly anything to help ease their pain. It makes me a tasty little snack for people who want to bleed me dry of compassion and empathy. I have been told many times in my life that something about me is ‘addictive’. The trouble with this particular drug I am, like most drugs in reality, is that the efficacy wears off as you take it. The longer I’m around, the less high you get off me, the more you need. When I try to draw a boundary everything falls apart and I become the evil person who is withhold what they most need. I hear that same old song all the time. I realize this had a LOT to do with my own boundary setting abilities but my heart gets away from me when someone I care about, even just a little, is hurting.
All-in-all, I don’t think it makes me a bad person, just a bad judge of who to give my heart to.
I try to maintain friendships but it’s so hard at times, balancing these people I have surrounding me. I’m guessing that if I managed to surround myself with good people, things would be different somehow. (lol…”somehow” I say). I feel trapped here though. I can’t get out from under this pile and I’m not sure I ever will.
(Grrr..so right now my bitch-boss is having the woman whom I replaced here audit my work. Nice. Thanks for all the support and such. I need to take a good hard look at my life and figure out where I want to be in ten years so I can change tracks without up-ending everything.)