Lesson of the day

You know when you go out of your way to engage with someone you care for and do it in the most exposingly open way it leaves you feeling like you were just beaten by a bat? Yeah, I did that for someone I love. I tore into the heart of me and gave him everything I felt. You now what his response was?

“You are starting to seem like a bad choice. Is there really any need to elaborate on that?”

I seem to adore the ones who hate me. What the hell am I trying to do? I listen to my heart and no one wants me around. I feel nothing, ignore what I need and I’m the most wanted gal I town.

Why did he hurt me like that? I genuinely don’t understand. He did it on purpose. Asked for my support because he’s stressing over family issues and when I tried to give it I’m told I’m worthless. How can having someone in your life who loves you be a bad choice?

Why can’t I get this??! What is wrong with me? I try to reach out…I have a friend at work who had a bad time and I tried and tried to be there for her. I went out of my way to do so. She ignored me and put me off and I forgave that because I have felt that way before too. I finally got her attention and asked her out for a drink and she said yes then cancelled last minute. I forgave her that too. Now she’s happily hanging out with another friend, going out, going on trips and weekends away. All the while ignoring me and my attempts to be there for her. What the fuck?

Ok. So friend A doesn’t want me around. Friend B doesn’t want me around. I’m so tired of feeling so alone but I can’t seem to get this right no matter what I do.

The one friend I do have, Drew, I’ve barely talked to because I’m asleep the moment I get home most nights.

Trying hard to understand. Failing. Maybe I’m all emotional because I’m sick. Caught a respiratory thing at work so I’m home in bed today. 😦

Why am I so unlovable? Is there something you guys can see in me or have experienced through out blog friendship that you can help me understand?

It has to be my attachment style. I’m wired to mess things up.

I hate being sick and having time to think.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

18 responses to “Lesson of the day”

  1. Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

    “You are starting to seem like a bad choice. Is there really any need to elaborate on that?” Holy. Fuck. That says nothing about you and everything about him. Thank your lucky stars he showed his true colors, so now you don’t have to waste time and effort on him.

    For the record, being that I’m seriously disabled, unemployable, have an autistic kid, and verging on insanity from all the stress, no one thinks I’m a good choice either. I learned long ago not to take it personally. I am what I am and I’m totally fucking done apologizing for it. Whether it’s your attachment style or something else, perhaps you might consider the same approach?

  2. Birdie says :

    I can’t believe someone would say that. What a fucking asshole. Seriously. Who says stuff like that? Is he a fucking sociopath? You are picking assholes for friends and that is all. Don’t be hurt over this, get angry instead and kick his ass to the curb. Then go find someone who wants to be friends with you.

    • Grainne says :

      That made me smile. Lol. It’s true. I have a terrible track record when it comes to friends. I always go for the asshats. (Learning. Slowly). Thanks. Xx. Needed that. 🙂

    • Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

      Birdie, I just love your comment and liberal use of cuss words. I should have peppered mine with more, cuz he’s most certainly an asshole and a sociopath. Grainne, I’m proud of you for tossin’ him to the curb.

  3. Alaina says :

    I totally relate to this post! I clicked here to leave you a comment telling you so, but first read the comment left by “Ain’t No Shrinking Violet” and…. WOW…. now I want to jump up and give that comment a STANDING OVATION!

    Four divorces, I’ve had. Four. And believe me when I say that it doesn’t get any easier with practice, on the contrary, it gets much harder. For me, it was like having a bad car crash followed by another bad car crash followed by another bad car crash and then, in the ambulance on the way to the emergency room, the ambulance gets into a bad car crash. Each divorce, and all of my epic failed relationships – I did not marry them all! — left me feeling more broken, more battered, more scarred, in more pain, and even less capable of finding, attracting, and maintaining a healthy, happy, loving, and mutually respectful relationship.

    Talk about having baggage! Talk about not being a “good choice!” I had people point out to me that, since the common denominator in all of my failed relationships was me, the fault had to be entirely mine, also. And I believed it! I did! During my last divorce, I literally had these lyrics to a song that would not get out of my head: “I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me.”

    But today I am incredibly blessed to be happily married to my best friend. We have been married for going on eleven years, now. And, guess what – he, too, was divorced FOUR TIMES before we finally met when I was 50 and he was 54!

    Looking back, I now know exactly why I kept getting into one relationship after another that did not stand a snowball’s chance in the h-e-double-l of ever working out: I was “groomed” for it, by my insanely abusive traumatic childhood. It’s called “repetition compulsion.” I kept being drawn to people like my parents, because they were my first love, you know? People with their personality characteristics felt familiar, for one thing, and, for another thing, subconsciously I kept trying to “fix” what I had not been able to fix in my sick family of origin. I kept looking for someone similar to my rejecting crazy abusive personality-disordered parents, and then trying to “win” their love and adoration, just as I had tried so hard to win my parents. If I could find someone like them and win their heart, then: TRA DA, I will have solved the problem of my entire crazy life!

    But it never worked out that way, of course.

    So, HOW did I get over my self-defeating relationship pattern? First, I changed my belief about myself. I made a conscious decision one day to stop believing that I was bad and crazy and unworthy of love, and to start believing that I was in fact created by a wonderful loving Creator who had made me in his own image and who Does Not Make Junk. I made a decision to believe that I am OK, that I am good, that I am Not Crazy, and that I have as much of a right to be here, and to be treated with kindness, compassion, respect, and yes, even with LOVE, as much as any other imperfect human being has these same rights.

    THEN, after having made my decision to change my belief about myself, every time I caught myself starting to fall back into my old habitual ways of thinking bad thoughts about me, I would stop my negative self-talk by thinking “NO! That’s not true!” And then I would counteract my negative wrong thought with at least three positive true thoughts about myself. Eventually, my bad thoughts about myself virtually stopped.

    I also started reading all the pertinent self-help books I could find. Here are some of my favorites:

    WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH by Robin Norwood

    WHY DOES HE DO THAT? by Lundy Bancroft

    COMPLEX PTSD by Pete Walker

    IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT by Patricia Romano McGraw

    HEALING DEVELOPMENTAL TRAUMA by Laurence Heller, PhD, and Aline Lapierre, PsyD

    THE NARCISSISTIC FAMILY by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman

    TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward, PhD

    WILL I EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH? by Karyl McBride, PhD

    I hope this helps. But seriously, the BEST advice is what the first commentor said: ‘“You are starting to seem like a bad choice. Is there really any need to elaborate on that?” Holy. Fuck. That says nothing about you and everything about him. Thank your lucky stars he showed his true colors, so now you don’t have to waste time and effort on him.’ AMEN!

    Don’t beat yourself up, please. The world does more than enough of that.

    • Grainne says :

      Oh goodness, thank you so much for sharing this with me! You put so much time and thought into your comments and I wanted you to know that it’s really appreciated!

      I have always had issues with attachments and developing and maintaining friendships/relationships with appropriate boundaries. It sounds like you took some very useful steps in healing your own troubles with your self image…. It’s a very familiar journey to me. I have been trying to remind myself that I am just as worthy of love and affection as everyone else in the world and, that I’m not any more trouble to be around than anyone else. Those voices screaming inside my head are just so loud sometimes.

      Thanks also for the author/book recommendations. I will most definitely be looking some of those up. 🙂

      • Alaina says :

        You are very welcome, Grainne. I like what I have seen of your blog so far, I like YOU, and you are way more than worth a few minutes of my time, believe me. I’m just paying it forward, my way of giving back in gratitude to those few, precious individuals who helped me turn my life around.

        Yes, those hateful voices get LOUD. I had to make my healthy voice even LOUDER!

        I’m thinking of rewording my previous comment a bit and making a blog post out of it, with a link back to your post here, if you don’t mind me doing that. I probably won’t do it until tomorrow, though, I’m busy with something else right now.

        Oh, one more thing: I don’t know what, if anything, you believe, spirituality-wise. I just wanted to add that back in early 2003, when I decided to change my thinking and believe that I was created by, and made in the image of, a good and loving Creator who does Not Make Junk — I was staunchly agnostic at the time, bordering on atheist. But then I figured that SOMETHING gave me life and keeps my heart beating, even if that something was nothing more than a Force, like the Star Wars force — whatever it/he/she is, this force has done an amazing job and, furthermore, since the Life Force has seen fit to create me, that must mean that I have just as much of a right to be here as anyone else! My beliefs have evolved since then, and continue to evolve. But I just wanted to add this, in case you are in a similar boat like I was. I had been raised in a strict church and for a few years as a young adult I continued in those beliefs, even working in a ministry for almost three years, until some things happened that disillusioned me. Then I became agnostic and, during my agnostic years, when anyone tried to shove their “religion” down my throat, I gagged, to put it mildly.

        Take care.

    • Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

      Alaina, thanks for the claps. I think your comment is fabulous too…lots of good info in there for everyone. I’m so happy you are now happily married after the initial bumps with marriage. You embody the words, “never give up.”

      • Alaina says :

        Thanks. My awesome uncle, now deceased, who was a minister, married my husband and me. He knew all about our crazy history but he had that same accepting attitude, “never give up.” He could so easily have turned into a snob, with his three doctorates, and being elected President Emeritus of a small college. But he was one of those rare, insightful folks who saw me floundering, cared, and helped.

  4. KittyHere says :

    To heck with the ungrateful folks…hope you are feeling better before long.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks…me too. I have had a good year where colds ans flues are concernes. My turn I guess. Hope you guys are healthy! Did it just warm up for you too?? Weird winter.

  5. Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

    These comments have reminded me of a poem I like, called Desiderata. My favorite line: You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here. See the entire poem here: http://mwkworks.com/desiderata.html

  6. stunnedandstunted says :

    You are a lovely person and anyone in your life who cannot see that is really missing out.

  7. Virginia Flores says :

    I remember going through the same thing with my friends (don’t we all!) haha! But I can tell that you are such a caring person. It always hurts to see someone ask us and we respond but they go against everything we said. Then it’s like “Come on!” And currently I am a missionary for my church and I see it all the time! I still love everyone I come in contact with but it hurts me that they don’t see how much God is protecting them and watching over them and they ignore our Father in Heaven. Or they ignore and hate when I share with them the plan He has for all His children.

    Thank you for your post!
    Stay strong!
    Some people don’t know they have a good caring person in their life until they aren’t there anymore!

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