Dreams of Comfort and Odd

…and then it was Thursday.

I have no idea where this week has gone. The weather here has been terrible (snow/ice/snow/ice/with 30 degree temperature swings) so driving is taking twice as long as usual, making everything that much more difficult. I’ve made it to work every day though…my new car is incredible in the snow and ice. I am so thankful for that vehicle…first completely reliable and new vehicle I’ve ever owned and I appreciate it every single day. I worked hard for it too, which only makes it better.

Dreams were complicated and exhausting last night, as usual. I’m dreaming of seeking comfort, I think. I had a dream I’ve not had for years and years….it’s really embarrassing to talk about for me (it’s not really an embarrassing need but I find it horrific to talk or write about – going to anyway…*deep breath*). I was in one of the houses from this past year. Before the turn off to the woods where the girl I am infatuated with lives there is a large white farm house that sits on a few acres of well manicured lawn. The house is abandoned and filled with old things stacked on shelves, odd things…twisted, rusted bits of metal that used to be attached to other things, dolls with too-large eyes ironed onto their fabric faces, books with pages torn our, burnt down candles, car parts, broken lamps and chandeliers all covered with a thick gray layer of dust and strung with sticky webs. The house has no electricity or water so it’s very dark and cold inside, even in the summer time. There are no windows in any of the rooms except for the main sitting room that is filled with strange cube-shaped furniture that seats dozens of people all around the room. There are three windows that reach from floor to the vault ceiling two stories high. They are not stained glass, but have some sort of paint adhered to the inner surface. It looks like frosting up close and I have always assumed it was for privacy, as there are no curtains large enough to cover those windows.

I entered that sitting room and could make out the dark, plush shapes by outline in the glow the outside world cast through the foggy windows. Right in the back corner there is an “L” shaped couch piece that is surrounded by taller segments which form a little barrier around the L couch I love to hide in. It feels safe and protected there and although the house is creepy as hell, I find a lot of comfort hiding out there sometimes. I crawled over cubes and squeezed between larger pieces and crawled into my little burrow, delighted to find the heavy wool blankets I had left there last time tucked between the cushions. I lady down and was feeling lonely….cold…tired. I picked up my phone and thought about texting someone for company when I heard the front door to the house open and then voices came inside…down the hall…right to where I hid.

“Grainne, love, why are you here?” a very familiar voice asked.

It was one of my people. There is a group of seven who join me in dreams and have done so since I was a child. They have not changed or aged in any way (that I can see, anyway) and the number has never changed. In this group there are adults and one child, men and women (the child is a girl, and yes I realize who she probably represents in my dreams). The six adults come with me on adventures some times…when they show up is not predictable in nature and when they are around, they don’t really do much aside from bear witness and occasionally provide a bit of comfort, as I’m about to outline here.

*Gahh I hate this part* So. When I was a child and was scared or trying to come down after being hurt by my father I would lie in bed and imagine I was dreaming of my ‘friends’. They would crawl into bed beside me and slip under the blankets, embracing me from all sides and locking me inside their arms. One would stand guard at my head and one at my feet and they would keep my father away from me…make it so I could finally sleep without panicking or lurching awake at the smallest noise in the dark. They would watch the door knob from inside my room to make sure it didn’t turn quietly in the night to usher in more pain. It was complete safety for me, holding that image in my mind. They started appearing in my dreams regularly when I was about 7 years old. And then last night, there they were again.

“I think you are the only ones who will never leave me.” I said though tears.

They lay with me in my little safe spot, all touching me in some way, curled around each other like a litter of cats. With them with me, I could finally sleep and, in my dream, I drifted off.

(I do wonder what happens when I sleep in my dreams. I assume I go into a deep sleep cycle but never really knew as it’s rather hard to fall asleep when I’m dreaming. It’s like dreaming of needing to pee and finding a bathroom in your dreams. You know you need to go, you know you’re sitting on the toilet, you know you’re in your home …. but something feels wrong. You try to go but can’t and it’s because your body isn’t really doing what your mind thinks it is. Errrr..or maybe that’s just me. Ha!).

Anyway. Jumble of thoughts today. I’m tired, my neck and head are hurting so much right now and my body is low on energy. Might as well go find some food … or something. What settles a need for comfort?

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

4 responses to “Dreams of Comfort and Odd”

  1. Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

    Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you this weekend…it gives me a bit of comfort to know that you’re fighting the good fight where you are, while I’m here fighting my own fight. We certainly both seem to battle weird and upsetting dreams. I actually had to delete a few posts I published about my dreams because they were too graphically violent…I was worried I’d upset or trigger my readers (your dream is not too graphic to post). Have a hug!

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you!! I feel your struggles as well. (Hugs back!). We should connect via email one of these days. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

        The only reason I hesitate to contact via email is that, like you mentioned about yourself, I also have a hard time maintaining friendships. It’s not that I don’t like my friends or want to spend time with them, it’s that my life is so complicated I can’t seem to do ANYTHING too consistently. I find blogs to be the perfect medium…I can stay in touch and then back off as needed.

        I hope you aren’t offended, as I truly value reading about your life experiences and getting to know you and your family through your writing. With our similar situations we could be sisters!

      • Grainne says :

        Not offended. I have just never met anyone who I would be able to speak to freely about my son. I understand your reasoning entirely and respect your stance though. ๐Ÿ™‚

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