The Space Between
I love it here…did I ever tell you that? I love love love being in this place inside me. It’s dark and warm, feels like soft blankets over my head, hiding me away. I don’t have to feel much when I’m here but I can watch…stay aware. I look around at the things that caused such panic my stomach was in knots only hours ago and passively slide my eyes past them without a care in the world. There are *very* few things in this world that reach me there. Colt, is one. With Colt, I sometimes feel everything at once.
I slept in a cold room with a cold bed last night. Dayne was in there but was way off on his side, shivering under his separate blankets. I lay there, awake and immobile for hours…my body didn’t even react to the cold. I thought about work for a while but I couldn’t even separate the thoughts…so much jumbled in there. I worked like a dog yesterday and didn’t even clear half my email. Losing battle, this. I thought about other things too…Sara, past friends and family members who are gone. I have a pretty robust troupe of angels up there, let me tell you.
I feel, today, like I could sleep forever. I wish I could go back to bed and not get up for a week or so….it would feel so much more *right* than the real world does at this moment in time.
I’m afraid for Colt today. He’s heading back to school after the break and although he’s been bolstered up and prepping for days, I know the excitement of it all is going to overwhelm him. I told him that when it happens it was okay to feel it. I told him it was okay to SAY it. I just asked that he didn’t swear at or hurt anyone. He seemed to be okay with that but the stimulus hadn’t surrounded him then. I hope he’s okay. I hate to see the level of anxiety in this kid over something that is supposed to be fun. Well, not ‘fun’ exactly, but…well part of life. It hurts me to think that he won’t have memories like I do of field trips and fun with classmates. But then, that’s me and not him. He doesn’t really like any of those things so missing them isn’t such a hardship. It’s very difficult to separate from that though, as a mom. I want him to have a birthday party or have a friend come round to play. I want him to have a buddy to play video games with. My sweet boy has never been invited anywhere, aside from whatever the sitter is doing. Ah well. We all have our own experiences in life I suppose.
Well. Off to see my doc. Maybe something will come of this one. When you least expect it…