The day before the stress returns

The only thing I know how to do when I’m messed up inside is analyze. I search the corners of the places I usually avoid until a compulsive surge takes over and I plummet to a new, quieter place where these things don’t bother me so much anymore. I feel inside like retreating to dreams…to that other life where, if nothing else, I’m scrambling with fear and worry; racing ahead to get-it-done and get-away … to run and hide. Or escape … I try to get away from it all so I can just fucking exhale and let my body stop shaking with fear. It’s rampant in me, right now, just describing it.

These last nights in dreams I am scrambling around trying to clean up as much evidence of my existence as I can before it’s too late. The places I visit are in complete disarray and I try to grab at bits of things…a piece of mail with my personal info on it; a medication bottle with the words ANTIPSYCHOTIC looming huge in glowing letters. The things I need to hide, I guess.

There is a desperate need to get things finished. I charge from place to place, every obstacle in my way you can imagine, from monsters who live beneath stair cases to men who catch, hold and torture me for fun in ways I never wanted to know I could imagine. It’s so tiring … Which is an odd thing to say about a dream, but when I am dreaming of these fearful things my heart goes through the ringer. I wake feeling the pain while understanding it was “just a dream”. My logic is sound there but sometimes, my heart simply does not agree.

Gah. These stupid dreams. They are just my mind spinning off random fears and anxiety the moment my conscious self slips out of control. I can’t ignore them because they happen every time I sleep. They’ve been relentless since Sara died … I’m failing her in every way I can imagine inside my brain and I can’t make it stop. I can’t even avoid it…I’m so tired, all I can do is sleep.

My bones hurt today to match my heart. There is a symmetry to it that makes it more tolerable than usual. I feel like I’m hurting for a reason, at least.

We are all prepping for the return to work and school here…I’m not looking forward to it, much like Colt. He has spent these last days digging his heels in and making absolutely every step of his day as friction filled as possible. He doesn’t want to go back to school. Really doesn’t…to the point of outbursts and teary fits. I have to fix this for him somehow and I’m not ready yet but… Life. I am stressed about going back to my insanely busy job tomorrow and to the phone calls and and and… I have to go see my family doc for my blood results (betcha all will be normal as always) and we are going to talk about options on the excessive sleeping and pain levels.

And that’s about all I can get to before I realize that Sara is gone and it all falls in on me again.

I want to sleep. I’m so tired. I don’t want to dream though, of anything. I want to black out coma sleep. Is there a drug for that? 😦


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

8 responses to “The day before the stress returns”

  1. Birdie says :

    I am not saying this as a suggestion but as a question. Could Colt be homeschooled?

    I had the most horrible dreams after my mom died. There is no big message and I think trying to make sense of them just causes more anxiety and around and around it goes. It is just your brain trying to rest but not having much luck. Try downloading some Mindfulness apps. They helped me a lot. A hot epsom salts bath. Or try playing music while you sleep. Your brain just needs to be pulled in a different direction. It may take a while but the horrible dreams will stop.

    • Grainne says :

      Hi! Thanks for the kind suggestions. I actually did go looking for a mindfulness app for my phone that I could use through the day at work. Do you have one you really like to use?

      I would LOVE to homeschool Colt but it’s not possible as far as our family economics are concerned. Both his dad and I work full time and need to do so. We are looking at alternative schooling though, in 2015. We can’t afford the insane prices they charge at most private institutions so we *might* go through the school board first to see if we can get him into their ASD program…it’s just so…I dunno. I wanted him to be able to cope mainstream so much it’s hard to let go of. Well, not so hard now that he’s not happy anymore.

      • Birdie says :

        If you are a beginner the one I like is called Mindfulness Daily. It takes you through 21 days of teaching. It also has the ability to “check in” throughout the day where it reminds you to take a breath and be still for 15 seconds. It helps a lot.

      • Grainne says :

        Hey…I downloaded that app last night and I LOVE it. I used to meditate when I was younger and got quite good at calming my mind….soaking in the moment. Thank you again for the reminder. I also found a breathing app that takes you through a really neat five minute grounding session. The colour of the screen on my phone changes as you hold your finger on it so you watch the colours change for an inhale and you try to exhale until the original colour returns. It’s quite lovely.

  2. myplace2spu says :

    I dont know the story but I take a medicine called prazosin for ptsd related nightmares. Its non addictive and you take it on a need basis as in if you’re having nightmares you take it and if they go away you can stop to see if your nihtmares are redolving on their own or if your still triggered. I dont have to use mine all the time and they really stopped my nightmares. Something to do with slowing down your adrelaline responce right before you fall asleep I believe is the basic concept. Its common blood pressure medication they started giving off label to ptsd suffers mainly for nightmares. If I were you ibwould google it and ask your doctor. I did and I dont regret it at all. I have had horrible nightmares for years and never had anything that actually stopped them without making me feel hungover of completly drugged up. This medicine worked the first night. It might not work but it then again it might. Also I agree with tge above comment above about tge mindful mefitations, they sre so helpful even just breathing. Much love to you and yours.

    • Grainne says :

      Hi there! Thanks for sharing your experience with PTSD nightmares with me. I was put on that particular medication when I was a child (I used to sleep walk/talk/leave the house while I dreamed) and shortly after starting it, I had a series of seizures. Not even sure if they were related, but my caregivers took me off and we never tried it again. It’s a been a long time…definitely something to think on again.

      I’m actually going to see my doc this morning so I’ll mention this to her. Thank you 🙂

  3. myplace2spu says :

    Sorry about the typos I’m on my phone 😉

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