Amputation

I want to write but I don’t know what to say. Sara is free from the pain and sadness she suffered and for that, I am happy. I’m relieved that she’s not suffering anymore. That’s for her, though, and not for me. For me I am sad. Not flashback-in-the-middle-of-walmart sad…just plain sad.

I have always struggled with the attachment disorder I have; it started when my life started and my young parents died and the abuse I suffered at the hands of my adoptive family exacerbated it. The stupid ass situations I put myself in carried it forward until I gave birth to a screaming, miserable, suffering little baby who seemed to hate me. That broke me, right there, and the next ten years were spent rebuilding and understanding the cause for all the destruction.

Anyway. I don’t bond well, often or appropriately to other humans. Well, baby’s that’s a bit extreme, as I’m quite capable of having and maintaining friendships…they just don’t act like real friendships because of the strange boundaries I put in place without meaning to. *sigh*. Basically I’m a fuck up when it comes to people. Sara was one I bonded with and did so tightly. She understood me without me having to explain. I think I understood her too.

Something that had been bothering me to no end since her death, is the odd way people feel the need to qualify their sadness at her loss. Everyone (not people here, but the ones who surrounded her in her day to day world) keeps trying to say they loved her more than anyone else….it is so odd. I don’t understand this behaviour. (I get super analytical when I’m down…heh. Sorry). Most of the people doing that qualification thing are ones who also didn’t do a thing to help Sara as she struggled. I realize that many did not know of her metal health issues (like many of us, she kept it completely private) but everyone knew of her physical
ailments. Those alone should have been more than enough to bring her “loved ones” to her side. This horseshit about “knowing her since grade school = hurting the worse” is pissing me off. I’m keeping my mouth closed though…I don’t know these people and it’s not my place but WOW. It sickens me.

Her mother told me that she was being cremated. I asked if I could get details on Sara’s final resting place as I want to go say goodbye and she told me that she was being cremated. I don’t know if that means that her ashes will be kept in the family…I have to call her again to get details. I don’t think I can visit her family. Their Sara and my Sara are two different people.

I feel a deadness inside me where she used to be. Isn’t that weird? A little bit of me…an extension or limb of some sort, amputated. I hate knowing that I will never get another chance to tell her that she is loved.

Bit of a mess. The only good here is that my friend is out of pain.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

15 responses to “Amputation”

  1. paindepression says :

    I understand, what you are feeling is very normal. The closer we are to someone, the worse out hurts when they are gone. Emptiness is normal. It does suck though, that we suffer alone so much with depression and people we are close to don’t usually even have a clue how bad it really is. I have always spoke out loud how I feel, I hide nothing. When asked how I am, I say exactly how I am. Even then, people just don’t seem to get it. Family is by far the worse, the think since I have not killed myself yet, then I just won’t do it. The reason I am still here is purely do too me being too scared to go through with it. It really takes a lot of guys to end your own suffering!

    • Grainne says :

      It always astounds me when I read of those little jabs your family takes at you when you need them the most. 😦 Xx

      • paindepression says :

        My daughter beat me bad in the back of my head while I was driving. She was drunk and I had to go pick her up and she started flipping out that she couldn’t find her phone, it ended up being in her pocket, but she beat me good and I had to slam on the breaks. Now all my kids have beat me. If it were not for my boyfriend, him stopping her, it would of been even worse. I want to run away!

      • Grainne says :

        I just read. :(. That girl needs to pack up and move on. She has no right to lay hands on you….I think its horrible that she did, especially considering all you do for her. Time for some tough love maybe? Send her on her way and let her screw up her life if she wants. You have put up with more than enough.

  2. Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

    It is my understanding that while people might know about a difficult situation someone’s in, they don’t feel the need to actually do anything about it…becuase in this world we’re responsible for solving our own problems. I also think it’s complicated when the “difficult situation” is unending, as it is with both the chronic physical and mental problems Hope had.

    Let’s look at money, for example. Hope was trying to get the same med (Humira) for her ulcerative colitis that I was trying to get for my RA. Her and I were both granted a free “trial period” and after that we had to pay…Humia costs $35,000+ per year. Who on this earth could afford to give either of us access to that medication? Hope couldn’t work (neither can I)…how much would it cost family to keep her clothed and fed and a roof over her head? A LOT, since it’s going to be ongoing. The only reason I don’t starve is because my husband works…if he ever kicks me to the curb I’ll be in the same position as her.

    In the end, I find it fruitless to be angry about the fact that no one will help because that’s just the way the world works. It’s not right nor just, but it’s the way it is.

    Lastly, I just want to say that her family does have a right to their own grief, regardless if it’s justifiable through our eyes or not. Maybe they feel some responsibility, maybe they don’t, but they’re entitled to mourn her nonetheless. Just as we are entitled to mourn the Hope we knew as well.

    Love and hugs to you Grainne…I’m so sorry you have to go through the grief of someone you love suiciding. It’s not a small thing to get through.

    • Grainne says :

      I didnt mean to imply that Sara’s family was not entitled to their grief. I think people are entitled to feel exactly as they do. The more love and sadness out there for Sara’s death the better.

      Thanks so much for your encouragement and kindness.

      On the Humera, that stuff is crazy-expensive, I know. So many of the most needed drugs are…its so inhumane.

      Hugs to you too.

  3. KittyHere says :

    Your writing is a way of saying goodbye and paying respects even if there is not a grave site to visit.

  4. Birdie says :

    I had a friend who committed suicide 25 years ago in March. (Where does the time go?) I still can’t think about him without immense sadness. I wonder if he could have held out a little longer would things have gotten better? But, I know. I know the wanting out. When you are in that vortex every breath is pain.

    You. It is you that has to create a new life without Sara. When my mom died I was so relieved that she didn’t have to suffer (she had cancer and died a horrible death) but the void in my life was not any smaller because if it. She was gone from my life forever. The realization of that is what hurts so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah… the platitudes…she isn’t in pain, she is at peace…whatever, right? Not only is she gone but WTF? What about still living here and not suffering? Why couldn’t that have happened?

    The thing with depression is this. No matter what anyone could have done or said would not have made a difference. I know when I was most depressed my family was there for me but it wasn’t about that. It was a feeling of total and utter hopelessness at the state of our planet. Yes, I have wonderful support but how could I be happy with suffering wherever I look?

    OK, I am rambling and this comment doesn’t flow at all. Just a bunch of thoughts.

    Are you able to get support through Hospice? I am sure they would do counseling over the phone if you can’t get in. Try to talk to someone.

    Much love.

    • Grainne says :

      You have such lovely energy in your words…kindness. Thank you for your thoughts.

      I have a therapist I can (and will) see soon and she will be able to help me sort through all of the things that need sorting. My hubs is being awesome as well so I am getting time to work this through.

  5. Ellen says :

    I’m not sure if I have a right to say this. I only knew ‘Sara’ through her blog. It was a compelling blog, and I read all her posts. And I felt for her. Though sometimes, her unending depressive way of thinking about things was too much for me. I wanted to argue with her, but saw it did no good, so I withdrew to just reading.

    I don’t believe that someone who suicides is now ‘at peace’. My belief is there’s simply nothing. To me, suicide is a triumph of self- hatred, planted in a helpless child when they needed love, not hate. It’s sad, it’s outrageous, it’s wrong. It’s failure. It’s a failure of life. It may not be that person’s fault, but I’ll never say, I’m glad, in any sense.

    I’m outraged, I’m sad, I’m angry, I unreservedly hate what happened.

    And I didn’t know her personally. You have a right to grieve in all ways you need to. This was a tragedy.

    I hope I haven’t spoken out of turn. Thanks for letting me vent. Take care.

    • Grainne says :

      You and your perospective are welcome any time.

      I understand what you mean. What I meant by peace was no longer in pain. My mind goes there first because of my own life experience, I suppose. The thought of being out of pain feels like a celebration in my mind.

      I do agree beyond measure that her death is a tragedy in many, many ways. I just say that she is peaceful because its what I want for her. You know?

  6. mandy says :

    Grainne, thank you so much for writing this. I know your pain is suffocating. Like you, I have a difficult time with friendships because of the lack of trust in anyone staying around. The feeling of abandonment after a suicide, of someone you finally trust to “get” you and not desert you, is terrible. I felt that when my brother ended his life. We don’t really know if there would have been a different outcome if Hope/Sara would have been offered a bucket of money. We want to believe it would have prevented this. My brother had insurance, he had a family. Robing Williams had it all. But sometimes hopelessness is more powerful than all the money or resources in the world. I know it’s normal when someone takes this route to be left with so many questions, so much hurt and anger even. Hope was cared for by this blogging family–that much we all know. I believe she knew it, too. You were a good good friend to her Grainne. She was lucky to have you on her side. I’m so sorry that now you are left with feeling a part of you has been cut away. I understand that feeling so well. Again, thank you for writing your grief. It helps the rest of us, too.

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you for all this kindness Mandy. You have been such a great support through this and I really appreciate it. Will write more and will read more as we go.

  7. Cat says :

    It sounds as if you are doing your best to process this. It is a tragic loss and will always leave a gap. For what it’s worth, you’re doing well, Grainne and your writing alone is a wonderful tribute.

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