I want to write but I don’t know what to say. Sara is free from the pain and sadness she suffered and for that, I am happy. I’m relieved that she’s not suffering anymore. That’s for her, though, and not for me. For me I am sad. Not flashback-in-the-middle-of-walmart sad…just plain sad.
I have always struggled with the attachment disorder I have; it started when my life started and my young parents died and the abuse I suffered at the hands of my adoptive family exacerbated it. The stupid ass situations I put myself in carried it forward until I gave birth to a screaming, miserable, suffering little baby who seemed to hate me. That broke me, right there, and the next ten years were spent rebuilding and understanding the cause for all the destruction.
Anyway. I don’t bond well, often or appropriately to other humans. Well, baby’s that’s a bit extreme, as I’m quite capable of having and maintaining friendships…they just don’t act like real friendships because of the strange boundaries I put in place without meaning to. *sigh*. Basically I’m a fuck up when it comes to people. Sara was one I bonded with and did so tightly. She understood me without me having to explain. I think I understood her too.
Something that had been bothering me to no end since her death, is the odd way people feel the need to qualify their sadness at her loss. Everyone (not people here, but the ones who surrounded her in her day to day world) keeps trying to say they loved her more than anyone else….it is so odd. I don’t understand this behaviour. (I get super analytical when I’m down…heh. Sorry). Most of the people doing that qualification thing are ones who also didn’t do a thing to help Sara as she struggled. I realize that many did not know of her metal health issues (like many of us, she kept it completely private) but everyone knew of her physical
ailments. Those alone should have been more than enough to bring her “loved ones” to her side. This horseshit about “knowing her since grade school = hurting the worse” is pissing me off. I’m keeping my mouth closed though…I don’t know these people and it’s not my place but WOW. It sickens me.
Her mother told me that she was being cremated. I asked if I could get details on Sara’s final resting place as I want to go say goodbye and she told me that she was being cremated. I don’t know if that means that her ashes will be kept in the family…I have to call her again to get details. I don’t think I can visit her family. Their Sara and my Sara are two different people.
I feel a deadness inside me where she used to be. Isn’t that weird? A little bit of me…an extension or limb of some sort, amputated. I hate knowing that I will never get another chance to tell her that she is loved.
Bit of a mess. The only good here is that my friend is out of pain.