So I’ve spent most of the night and all of this morning staring at Sara’s Facebook page. I hate Facebook. It’s a place where everyone gets to pretend they give a shit about people they really just get to forget.
There are posts among posts from people saying “why? Why?” And others claiming they had no idea Sara was suffering. Some wonder if it was the UC that ended her life. I kept getting angrier and angrier, refusing to post there to join them, but then I came across this:
Sorry for the crap edit. Can’t be bothered just now but wanted to protect privacy.
“I keep going over her recent email…all of her friends would have done literally anything for her if only she had let is know.”
My first reaction, other than to want to vomit, is WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???? And my second, more rational side bursts into tears. Do we really need to spell it out for everyone in our lives to be understood? Then again, I pause to think: who in my world would understand if I ended my life? You know who? You guys. You, Mike, Drew, (Sara…oh god Sara I miss you already). My family would blame Dayne. That would be it. The rest of the hundred or so people who know me would be astounded.
Why do we hide this from the ones who might help? But then, I wonder how many would have ignored a call for help. Sara had no money, no help, no circle of love. It sickens me to hear that they all would have rallied around her. If only she’d had cancer or another obvious illness that people weren’t so afraid to support. Instead, my friend died alone, afraid, unloved and in pain. If I could have held her while she died I would have done so but I fear that I am one of few.
This all makes her loss so much greater. I mean, I loved reading the political contacts and friends thoughts on her board. They respected her as a fine colleague and a fighter. She did good work here. All alone.
Can’t stop crying. I don’t know what to do with myself today.