Hidden

So I’ve spent most of the night and all of this morning staring at Sara’s Facebook page. I hate Facebook. It’s a place where everyone gets to pretend they give a shit about people they really just get to forget.

There are posts among posts from people saying “why? Why?” And others claiming they had no idea Sara was suffering. Some wonder if it was the UC that ended her life. I kept getting angrier and angrier, refusing to post there to join them, but then I came across this:

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Sorry for the crap edit. Can’t be bothered just now but wanted to protect privacy.

“I keep going over her recent email…all of her friends would have done literally anything for her if only she had let is know.”

My first reaction, other than to want to vomit, is WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???? And my second, more rational side bursts into tears. Do we really need to spell it out for everyone in our lives to be understood? Then again, I pause to think: who in my world would understand if I ended my life? You know who? You guys. You, Mike, Drew, (Sara…oh god Sara I miss you already). My family would blame Dayne. That would be it. The rest of the hundred or so people who know me would be astounded.

Why do we hide this from the ones who might help? But then, I wonder how many would have ignored a call for help. Sara had no money, no help, no circle of love. It sickens me to hear that they all would have rallied around her. If only she’d had cancer or another obvious illness that people weren’t so afraid to support. Instead, my friend died alone, afraid, unloved and in pain. If I could have held her while she died I would have done so but I fear that I am one of few.

This all makes her loss so much greater. I mean, I loved reading the political contacts and friends thoughts on her board. They respected her as a fine colleague and a fighter. She did good work here. All alone.

Can’t stop crying. I don’t know what to do with myself today.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

30 responses to “Hidden”

  1. KittyHere says :

    I think spending the day grieving is perfectly acceptable.

  2. paindepression says :

    I know… I have had a lot of thought of death and i have told people I am around but they act like it is nothing. They woulx all probably say they were shockex of i did kill myself. Nothing like feeling so darn alone

  3. Birdie says :

    It just shows that we have so far to go with mental illness. Quite honestly, very few people in my life know that I suffer from depression because I keep it hidden. There is a stigma.

  4. Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

    It does not surprise me that nearly all the people around her were clueless…most everyone is, and most of us also hide our deepest selves. How many people do you know who can really hear another person’s pain, and on top of that, know what to do about it or CAN do something about it? In my circle it has been plainly made clear to me that the only way I’m acceptable is if I’m silent and uncomplaining at all times…I don’t believe my experience is an uncommon one. As a psych nurse for 13 years, I can tell you that we humans have lost our ability to really see other people’s pain and respond appropriately…I sometimes wonder if the internet is a little to blame, as we are all maxed out on human suffering with horrible news coming at us 24/7.

    Though we on the internet couldn’t save her, we were privileged to hear her story from her own words, and to see the part of herself she hid from all others. That is a gift she left us with, one which we should be grateful for.

  5. Cat says :

    I’m sorry to read this news, I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks Cat. The world feels off kilter so far. I miss her.

      • Cat says :

        That is understandable. We can connect so powerfully with fellow bloggers and often know each other better than people in our day-to-day life. I read some of your comments on Hope’s blog (I knew her as Hope sometime ago) and I just know she would have appreciated your friendship and support. Sending you (((hugs)))

      • Grainne says :

        She is one of very few that crossed over from blog land into my off line life and i agree, that blog connection really made us the friends we were. After reading so many of her facebook friends posts I am even more grateful to have known her here…this side of her.

        Thanks for the love and kindness. Xx

      • Cat says :

        Sounds like a beautiful friendship. It makes me sick to hear people say, “if only we knew”…huh!

  6. Ellen says :

    This is such sad and terrible news. I followed Kyra’s blog though didn’t comment a lot. I am sorry.

  7. mandy says :

    Grainne,
    i have only just now learned of this and I’m devastated. I learned of it because you visited my blog and I came here and at first wasn’t sure what was going on but when you mentioned all the names I’m so familiar with Hope, Sara, Kiara….my heart sank. I want to scream NOOOO!! God I tried so many times to be there, to listen, to give her something, but WHAT could I give her? Nothing was enough. I wanted to be there physically for her to drive her places, anything… She talked of having no reason to live for so long, you never believe it will happen. How could I not believe it–my own brother gave up and took his life, when there was just no answers…. Can you give me her FB page to go to? I just need somehow to connect with the reality. I’m so sorry for going on here–I’m just feeling so sick about it.
    I know you were a friend to her. I know the guilt. The pain is unbearable, but it’s okay to feel it and share it. Thank you soooo much for letting us know♥

    • Grainne says :

      Hi. I followed your blog after reading many of your comments on Sara’s. I wanted to connect with the people who seemed to care and you were one. I hope you forgive the intrusion.

      I would be happy to share the facebook link, however, her mom has set her security so only those who are “friends” on her profile can see the posts since her death. If you would like to see her own posts, I am happy to share. Email me at grainne214@gmail.com and I will get back to you.

      Im sorry about your brother. 😦 I’m sorry we all lost Sara too.

  8. Pen says :

    I’ll admit to not knowing her well, but I feel this blow deeply on a community level. Especially seeing such ignorant responses to her pain. It’s appalling. But shows exactly why so many of us hide our struggle and pain.

    I am stricken, but also wishing her all the peace and kindness of the universe now that she no longer has to push, push, push against that current.

    Stay safe and gentle. You know I’m here if needed. ❤ ❤

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you so much Pen. I do know you’re there and it helps, just knowing. I wish we could sit and cuddle Zoe while getting drunk and wondering about life and what its really worth. Xoxo.

  9. Alaina says :

    Heartbreaking.

  10. strangelings says :

    I believe I was the one who brought up facebook, *sigh* it was how I found out about her death…

    And it really pisses me off too. Because from what I read that she wrote, she was trying to get help- and probably at least indirectly asking for it- and the people now saying they’d do anything- didn’t see it or ignored it. How could they NOT know that she barely had enough money for food and no therapist, that she was struggling and alone?!

    It also really pisses me off to see people giving condolances to her fucking family…

    • Grainne says :

      You were indeed, thank you. I had not checked there until you suggested it. I have been also angered by all the rallying around her death…all the offerings of comfort for the ones she left behind as if THAT is the terrible tradgedy and not the fact that she suffered so much she took her own life. Her mom wants me to call her today. I don’t know if I will be able to do so.

    • Grainne says :

      And the therapy deal! Yes…!! That had been bothering me so much. Two years ago she was in a facility where she had support, therapy, consistant access to therapy. Her family was paying for this and, because she didnt get better fast enough, she was cut off and turned away to fend for herself. I know some people would have been in the dark on this but not her mom. Not her sisters ans close family. Why they let her struggle alone is going to haunt me. The “lets pretend we did all we could” game is sickening and just so, desperately sad.

  11. Cat says :

    Hi Grainne… just droppin by to say hi! Been thinking of you

  12. ambivalencegirl says :

    I’m just reading this today. OMG, this is so sad. On so many levels it is sad. I’m sorry💙💞💚

    • Grainne says :

      The facebook deal is bothering me so much. I posted that i would miss her, and then that we should learn from this, to always listen carefully to the ones we love.

      Thanks xx

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