Not sure how to feel

So a lot of you guys know or have seen comments from my friend Hope. She has a powerful and relatable blog here on WP and it’s how we first connected, years ago. Hope and I weren’t in constant contact by any means but we made sure to connect, at least through our blogs, often. Hope was suffering so much and had been for so long, it was a wonder as to how she made it to the next day at times. Hope had physical battles going on, painful, debilitating ones, along with the demons she valiantly fought inside her head. Her experience in life was so much like mine. I guess that’s why we made such a strong connection that neither of us were prone to.

She was suicidal. My friend was never without hardships and although a few of those were self created, like all of us in this world have, they never seemed
To end. I wanted to save her from her life somehow but knew I couldn’t. The best thing I could do for her was to be we friend, to love and support her when she needed and to understand. Just to understand.

I was the one who always told her I would understand and love her still, if she ever decided to take her own life. Now, I’m faced with having to life up to that promise, maybe. You see, I can’t find her right now. Since Dec 19th her every medium of communication that I knew of went silent. She hasn’t answered phone texts, email, blog comments. I called but the phone just rang and rang…it started to freak me out so I hung up after a while.

I always thought she might say good bye, so left thinking she’s just gone somewhere? Trouble is, Hope didn’t have many places to go. Her family was disengaged from her troubles and although I know she loved her sisters, turning to them for help is not Hope’s way. She had little money, thanks to the ridiculous disability system in her state (everywhere, really) and she was worried about making rent. I just can’t see her taking off to Jamaica for a few weeks in the sun.

I’m worried. Sad. Well, I don’t feel like I should be “sad” because that’s pretty damn selfish. I promised that if she took her life that I would understand. And I would and do understand…I just thought I would know. Not sure why I thought that.

Again, all this isn’t about me. Hope would forgive me if I had vanished and I forgive her. I just don’t know if I can mourn her? Do I have to wait a few months to be sure? I don’t want to call her mother just in case I start some unwanted panic that results in my friends privacy being grossly invaded. I just wish I knew. 😦

I miss her. There was something about having her there that comforted me so much. I don’t really know what to do so I will just sit here and hope she appears somewhere.

If anyone hears from her could you please let me know? No details, just….let me know she’s alive. I’m not sure if I wish for her to be alive and so down she can’t even pick up her phone or peacefully laying in a funeral home, her spirit already long gone from her tortured body.

I miss you, my friend. Xo

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Not sure how to feel”

  1. strangelings says :

    I found out recently she commited suicide. Found out via her Facebook- what little I’ve found out was via there, can give you a link if you don’t have it… If you want to talk, feel free to email me.

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