Dreams, struggles and smiles
Well now. I’ve written a dozen blog posts and have them all neatly saved in my drafts file. I do this when I’m really struggling, I’ve noticed. I don’t want to post a week of misery so I read back what I’ve written and think “why would anyone want to read this crap?” aaaand draft. (Often goes straight to delete!).
I had so many dreams last night (this month) in my 13 hour slumber. They kind of stack on top of each other in my head when this happens and it feels like I’ve been dreaming for weeks, not just one night. I think it’s because the days keep going by and scenarios keep changing so I lose track of time passing. Well, that and I’m asleep…lol. So….kind of hard to be totally aware of what time has passed right? The dream I woke to was interesting.
I was dreaming that Dayne and I been doing something together that happened to take us by a place we used to live. It was an apartment that I “lived in” in dreams over several years and was a place I quite liked. It was safe…terrible things didn’t happen there like being shot at through open windows or having strangers walking into my bedroom in the middle of the night, as seems to happen with other (dream) places I’ve lived. I could see, from the street, that the place was completely falling apart. We had left this place and moved elsewhere about a year ago in real time. Always, in the back of my dream memory, I knew we hadn’t really finished moving…there was a TON of stuff we’d left behind and we hadn’t managed to clean up at all. I always felt a little guilty about that. From the street, I could see the windows were smashed and broken and the junk inside was overflowing. To my horror, I could clearly see dozens of orange pill bottles with my name all over them along with whatever medication they maintained. (In real life I’m very careful about who knows what meds I’m on. I don’t need that judgment working against me along with the rest of the crap I have to deal with.)
I told Dayne that I was going to sneak in and remove the pill bottles and anything else that had our name (despite the fact that the landlords would have known who we were anyway) and carefully snuck up to the side entrance of the house. It’s a triplex so two other neighbours lived there….one of whom jumped out and scared me as I approached. He was angry with me being there….it was our fault the place was falling apart because we’d left such a mess and the other tenants were pissed. They told me they were calling the landlords and the cops….I knew I didn’t have much time to work.
I slipped inside through a smashed front door and wandered around a bit, taking it all in. The walls and ceiling had collapsed some, leaving open spaces that let the weather in which caused even more damage. The stuff we left behind was just incredible…piled in corners and jammed into every drawer and closet. I gathered the old bills that came by mail, medication bottles, general stuff that had personal info involved. As I went through I kept finding things I loved that I hadn’t realized were gone; A dress I loved to wear in the summer, a cardigan that really suited me and I hadn’t seen for years, chargers for electronic devices we hadn’t known were gone. I found a video camera and some trinkets…at one point I was looking at these little bunny figurines that my mother used to buy me as a kid. I didn’t take those with me but stopped to think of her for a moment. I grabbed some plastic shopping bags that were lying in the mess and started to gather things I wanted to keep, not really understanding why I had left them behind. Odds and ends, memories, bits and pieces…I found a lot of things in that mess. Dayne arrived to help some and as he walked in he had the cats in his arms (we have two cats in our family who often make appearances in my dreams). He set them down for some reason and they ran to play in the piles of junk….I kind of scolded him for that, not understanding why he’d brought them in. We’d only have to find them and drag them back to the truck afterwards and we were short on time.
In the kitchen there was food everywhere. Food filled the fridge, cupboards, and counters, all either completed rotted or badly exposed to the elements in a way that made everything perishable. I piled as much as I could off to one side and then heard a big commotion as the other tenants seemed to be
making their way inside. I grabbed what I could, picked up one of the two cats and yelled for Dayne to find Daisy and we hurried back to the truck and drove away.
The whole dream left me with a sense panic…feeling like I was about to be ‘found out’ or caught for something I’ve been hiding.
When I woke up this morning I felt rested but uneasy. After my shower I woke Dayne up and his only words to me were:
“Do you have something you want to tell me?”
This is the line he uses when he wonders if I’ve been cheating on him. He’s never dealt with jealousy well. Because everything was fine last night I assumed I must have been dreaming something that involved someone other than him….in an intimate sort of setting. I sleep walk, I sleep talk, I sleep fight and scream and run. I make noises and my body does things…these are dreams and they happen nearly constantly while I sleep. They sometimes seem to be about one thing but sound to be about another entirely, plus, I’m DREAMING, not fantasizing. If and when I have dream encounters with someone it doesn’t necessarily mean what I’ve dreamed, I desire. Half the time sex scenes in my dreams are violent and forced…I tried to remind him of that without flipping out. What got me angry, though, was the fact that not a month ago I had real, tangible, reality based evidence that HE was not only looking at/chatting with naked women over the internet, he was actively seeking someone in our area to go fuck. He swears he didn’t go through with it and I forgave him. I didn’t guilt him over it. I didn’t sit him down and yell at him or make him feel terrible…I didn’t even fucking bring it up until HE accused ME of doing something similar based on nothing but his own shitty mood. I was mature, understanding and forgiving. I kind of spat that in his face right away and he instantly backed off, apologized and dropped it. Damn straight. I wasn’t about to put through the wringer over a dream.
(Whew – lil burst of anger there! All better now.)
My day got happy when I got to work. The therapists (one bunch of them) got me a lovely Christmas present and a card….in the five years I worked with the execs I didn’t even get a “Merry Christmas” in passing, let alone a card. It touched me so deeply, that they cared enough to do something so sweet for me.
Then, I happened to glance at the buy and sell board here at work. I found a Wii console complete with controllers, nun-chucks, steering wheel and a handful of games that someone was selling for $150!!!!!! Colt has been dying to get a game system for years but we’ve not wanted to put that amount of money into something that will only serve to distract him more. Now that we have better controlled rules surrounding video game play (on his Ipad, currently) we considered buying a system for him this Christmas, but in the end decided to spend our money on a pile of little things he will love to unwrap and enjoy. Then I come across this deal….I beat more than two dozen people to it and was the first to respond. I took it sight-unseen. It’s only two years old…. 😀 Colt is going to be SO surprised! He’s been doing an amazing job at school these past couple of weeks so it’s well, well, well deserved. I think I’ll write a separate post about his accomplishments and trials since the last suspension incident. 🙂
So. Happy day indeed. I have a smile I can’t wipe off and it is so, very welcome.