I am trying to make it through today with a smile of some sort. It’s going alright. I woke up this morning and thought about that nice man I chatted with earlier this week. I put my feet on the ground and told myself (out loud) that today was going to be a great day! I even managed a grimace-like smile as I hobbled to the bathroom for my shower. Shit is not working right in this body of mine. My knees don’t work in the mornings now (well, they do but with a huge amount of stabbing pain, cracking, snapping and sudden, involuntary weakness that tends to make me collapse if I’m not holding onto the walls). Smiling (ish) still, I did have a nice hot shower….which I regretted as soon as I got out. lol. It’s a comedy of errors, me in the morning. So, out of the shower, sweating like a freak, I couldn’t cool down to save my life. I gave up, pulled my clothes on (god that feels terrible when you’re all sticky and hot) and then froze the entire way to work because it’s freezing outside and I was … damp. Blech. Okay, seriously, I KNOW there are worse things in life but somehow the overheating/sweating really gets to me. Thanks Menopause. Well, super early peri-menopause, that is. I’m not sure I want to know what it’s going to be like when I actually hit that mark and am no longer in the ‘peri’ stage….

That whining aside, the pain I’m in today is … how do I describe this without over exaggerating? It’s just…awful. 😦 Every time I inhale my chest moves (duh..) and pain shoots through my rib bones, my collar bones, my shoulders feel as if they are being pulled from their sockets…my neck and back ache and then I breathe out and the pain is amplified as everything returns back to it’s normal, fucked up position. I have that panicky feeling that you get when you can’t get a good breath although I know I’m breathing fine, just have explosive sparks of pain each time I do so. You can breathe through pain so at least I have that going for me right? Yayyy… *sigh*

I did have a nice chat with Colt’s teachers today, which is rare. Every time I see that school’s number pop up on my call display my heart feels like it drops about three feet. I always try to put a bit of cheer into my voice anyway. “oooh Hi! How are you doing today?” I’ll ask as if I have no idea why they are calling me. I don’t know why I do that…maybe just wanting to put them at ease a bit so they don’t feel so bad about telling me how terribly my son behaved on that particular day. I’m way too nice to people sometimes. Anyway, good chat. She said they had held their collaborative meeting with all of Colt’s teachers, principal, learning support teacher, the ASD planner person for the school board, the school psychometrist (who probably hates us now for getting her into trouble over the ‘asd program closure bs Dayne started) and his EA. Really, I think the meeting was mostly about how they could cover their asses and be sure they didn’t leave any gaps to fall through, but…whatever…at least they met to discuss what to do with him. They decided that they will no longer be calling me every time he mumbles a swear word (yayyy!) and will deal with that in the moment. When he swears AT a student, swears at a teacher (my boy has balls. He doesn’t care who it is … much to my chagrin) makes a threat to swear at a student or teacher, actually threatens a student or teacher (wanting to watch the school burn down is his latest little gem) he will be sent to the office to write lengthy apology letters to whomever he offended. If he actually threatens harm or physically hurts someone, he will be suspended, as per norm. I’m more or less okay with that. He needs to know that there are different levels of ‘not okay’ or he’ll forever be mixing it all up together. Mind you, I’ve pulled him out of school every Wednesday to give him (and the school) a break from the constant battle and had hoped they would work with me so he’s not suspended every other freaking day. The LST actually told me that if they suspended him every time he broke the rules it would happen every single day. That didn’t inspire much confidence, but again, whatever. It’s always been this way, dealing with the school.

So what comes next? I don’t know. They’re going to carry on documenting every time he messes up, which is already a long list they’ve been squirreling away. I’m not sure how obsessive documentation will do a thing for Colt but they sincerely tried to pass it of as being done for him. All it will do is compile a nice, neat file of wrongs that they can lean on when they want him out for good. It sucks…but, there’s little I can do about it. There was a little leeway in there for Colt because I’ve told the school he’s been diagnosed with Tourettes (something the psychiatrist said to kind of keep in our back pocket). The behaviour has been so off the charts lately though, I had to say something. We are all hoping that Tourettes has something to do with the outbursts, mood swings and aggression.

At least it’s Friday hey? I don’t even know what that means anymore, aside from being the day before I can get a bunch of extra sleep. There’s a Christmas party tonight…the only one I actually wanted to attend this year, but I don’t think I’m going to go. I’m really uncomfortable and more or less wasted on narcotics. I can’t drink anything with this load of venom in my system so I’d just stand there, uncomfortably wincing and overheating until it was time to leave. No fun. Would rather be passed out on my couch, wrapped in my warmest blanket while I sweat and toss and turn until I fall into stressful, anxiety ridden dreams.

What is the point of my life again? Hmm? Sleep/work/sleep/cope with disabled son and inadequate support/sleep/work/cope with crazy bosses who make me feel like shit/sleep/toss and turn in pain/sleep/wake from nightmares/sweat/sleep. Can hardly freaking wait to move from ‘working in agony’ mode to ‘lying there in agony’ mode. My couch is about the only place I want to be.

But…what the hell. It’s not a bad day, in the grand scheme of things. It’s already 1:30 and the school hasn’t called, I only have 2.5 hours left of work, I have money in my pocket and a hot cup of coffee on my desk. My boss doesn’t seem to hate me quite so much today aaaaand…well, I still really really really love my awesome new car. ? I guess that’s more than enough to be grateful for.

Well. Off to load up on more meds. See if I can’t get this breathing deal under control. Hope you all are having a great day! I’ll live vicariously through you guys for the rest of mine. 😉


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

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