Oh god I’m so tired. I have slept an accumulated 8 hours in the last three nights. In part, it’s worry over the job, and a whole bunch of worry over Colt and my health (mental and physical. Yay). The rest comes from pain.

*Warms up whining motor*

This particular pain flare up formation is one of the worst ones. Because the degeneration (the really bad parts anyway) is located in my cervical spine (brain stem to where my neck meets my body) and then again in my lumbar spine (lower back) the pain can be mostly in my upper or lower body, depending on which part is flared up the most. When it’s my lower back the pain is in my back, hips, tailbone, bum and legs. My sciatic nerves take the worst of the trauma which causes intense pain from my butt to my ankles. It’s relentless and very sore to sit, stand, lie down…nothing helps. Right now I have a mild flare up going on so it’s not agony but the pain is always, always, always there. It’s there when I go to bed, there when I wake up, there all day long no matter how many narcotics I gobble down. When the pain is coming from my neck, like it is this week, it affects my neck, jaw, encourages screaming headaches that leave me unable to do anything but clamp my hands to my head and cry in a dark room, begging for it to stop. It also moves into my jaw and face, collar bone area, ribcage, shoulders, elbows and shoulder blades. The musculature surrounding the damaged parts of my spine lock up to help support my head without causing further damage to the vertebra and (what’s remaining of my discs). The tension is so bad it limits blood flow to and from my brain (headaches, fainting spells) and everything in there….muscles, tendons, nerves start to sting, burn with pain and generally complain incessantly.

So today, I’ve got the whole bag of tricks going on. My entire freaking body from belly button up and butt down is in pain. I’m really tired and I’ve taken a fair amount of pain killers today – an action that always results in me dropping off the planet to a coma like sleep for 20 hours or so. (Could really use that sleep right about now!).

Dayne called me up to suggest I make an appointment with a massage therapist for tonight to help bring the tension down a bit. I’ve tried this multiple times in the past and have found zero relief from them. The first one was super gentle so I tried again and booked a ‘sports massage’ which is more deep tissue; but that didn’t help at all. Honestly, the only thing that does help in any way is when Dayne jams his thumbs, elbows, some tool or implement into my rock hard muscles and aching bones until he bruises the flesh into multicoloured patches of black and blue. No one wants to do that to me in a professional world and I understand why…..it’s a bit of a liability when you make your clients look like you just beat them up for $150/h.

I wish I could leave a little early today…sneak home and curl up in my heating blanket, sleep for a week. I have so much to do and I’m so behind…just had a call from the crazy manager who wanted to panic about things that are due in January. She reminded me a few times that she didn’t feel on top of things thanks to me. I have another call with the other one in 30 min. She’s not talked to me all week. I did send her an email letting her know that I recognized her frustration and was working to fix it. I have to spend much of my weekend laying out a plan of action so I can keep both of them feeling supported while getting everything done.

Maybe I just can’t do this anymore. I do nothing but work and sleep and yet I still cannot accomplish everything here that is needed. Each little task that slips off my plate makes the bosses less and less happy with me. I’ve tried to let them know when I’m swamped and have asked them to prioritize their requests so I know what is the most urgent, but really….when they want something done they want it done now. I’m trying with all my heart….really hard. I just can’t seem to accomplish this. 😦

I talked to Dayne about reducing my hours to 4 days a week (if not in this job, any other I might be inclined to apply for) and he panicked instantly. Will have to work that one out…I don’t think I can keep this up much longer with the home stress/Colt stress/work stress/health stress/nightmare stress/relationship stress.

Fuck. I hate everything about life today. Well, except for Colt. He’s ‘ungrounded’ today, finally, after five weeks of losing his ipad and ipod. (It was only to be two weeks but he got suspended twice more after that….sigh). I’m looking forward to picking him up so he can play his games and have some fun.

(There’s a smile…finally!)


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

3 responses to “*YAwNS*”

  1. serenityseeking says :

    My job causes me unending pain. Some days it hurts to breathe, other days I can manage. Massage therapy is very, very diverse. I just went to a new therapist this week (my regular is going on maternity leave) and she was completely different than anyone I have had before. Keep looking. You can interview first if need be. I know I need the same pressure and I have walked out with bruises but oh, it feels so good!
    One thing that works for me is laying on tennis balls. I put one in an old wool work sock so I can move it around easily. I can hear the muscle breaking up. It is not a miracle cure but it does bring some relief. Another thing is using the weight of my own body against a solid object like a wall. It helps a little, if only for the time I am doing it. Oh! Another thing that has brought relief is this…
    http://ditchingthedog.wordpress.com/2014/09/27/ibuprofen-how-i-love-thee/ (Sorry for plugging my own blog but this helps as well.)

    Hope this doesn’t across as being a know-it-all. I have dealt with back pain since my early 20’s and found a lot of things that didn’t work and only a few that have.

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you for the comment and the suggestions! I have never tried lying on tennis balls (lol…as you might imagine) but the moment I read it I could identify the relief it would bring immediately! I’m going to get some today, in fact. I am working right now (er, and checking my blogs as a prepatory focus exercise) but I’ll be checking out that post later.

      Thanks again 🙂 Good to ‘meet’ you. I suspect your experience will prove helpful…although I’m very sorry to hear that you’re 20 plus years of learning to cope with pain.

  2. Jason Ellis says :

    Work, work, this also makes me so tired, but I have so many bills to pay, that is why I cannot stop.

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