Oh god I’m so tired. I have slept an accumulated 8 hours in the last three nights. In part, it’s worry over the job, and a whole bunch of worry over Colt and my health (mental and physical. Yay). The rest comes from pain.
*Warms up whining motor*
This particular pain flare up formation is one of the worst ones. Because the degeneration (the really bad parts anyway) is located in my cervical spine (brain stem to where my neck meets my body) and then again in my lumbar spine (lower back) the pain can be mostly in my upper or lower body, depending on which part is flared up the most. When it’s my lower back the pain is in my back, hips, tailbone, bum and legs. My sciatic nerves take the worst of the trauma which causes intense pain from my butt to my ankles. It’s relentless and very sore to sit, stand, lie down…nothing helps. Right now I have a mild flare up going on so it’s not agony but the pain is always, always, always there. It’s there when I go to bed, there when I wake up, there all day long no matter how many narcotics I gobble down. When the pain is coming from my neck, like it is this week, it affects my neck, jaw, encourages screaming headaches that leave me unable to do anything but clamp my hands to my head and cry in a dark room, begging for it to stop. It also moves into my jaw and face, collar bone area, ribcage, shoulders, elbows and shoulder blades. The musculature surrounding the damaged parts of my spine lock up to help support my head without causing further damage to the vertebra and (what’s remaining of my discs). The tension is so bad it limits blood flow to and from my brain (headaches, fainting spells) and everything in there….muscles, tendons, nerves start to sting, burn with pain and generally complain incessantly.
So today, I’ve got the whole bag of tricks going on. My entire freaking body from belly button up and butt down is in pain. I’m really tired and I’ve taken a fair amount of pain killers today – an action that always results in me dropping off the planet to a coma like sleep for 20 hours or so. (Could really use that sleep right about now!).
Dayne called me up to suggest I make an appointment with a massage therapist for tonight to help bring the tension down a bit. I’ve tried this multiple times in the past and have found zero relief from them. The first one was super gentle so I tried again and booked a ‘sports massage’ which is more deep tissue; but that didn’t help at all. Honestly, the only thing that does help in any way is when Dayne jams his thumbs, elbows, some tool or implement into my rock hard muscles and aching bones until he bruises the flesh into multicoloured patches of black and blue. No one wants to do that to me in a professional world and I understand why…..it’s a bit of a liability when you make your clients look like you just beat them up for $150/h.
I wish I could leave a little early today…sneak home and curl up in my heating blanket, sleep for a week. I have so much to do and I’m so behind…just had a call from the crazy manager who wanted to panic about things that are due in January. She reminded me a few times that she didn’t feel on top of things thanks to me. I have another call with the other one in 30 min. She’s not talked to me all week. I did send her an email letting her know that I recognized her frustration and was working to fix it. I have to spend much of my weekend laying out a plan of action so I can keep both of them feeling supported while getting everything done.
Maybe I just can’t do this anymore. I do nothing but work and sleep and yet I still cannot accomplish everything here that is needed. Each little task that slips off my plate makes the bosses less and less happy with me. I’ve tried to let them know when I’m swamped and have asked them to prioritize their requests so I know what is the most urgent, but really….when they want something done they want it done now. I’m trying with all my heart….really hard. I just can’t seem to accomplish this. 😦
I talked to Dayne about reducing my hours to 4 days a week (if not in this job, any other I might be inclined to apply for) and he panicked instantly. Will have to work that one out…I don’t think I can keep this up much longer with the home stress/Colt stress/work stress/health stress/nightmare stress/relationship stress.
Fuck. I hate everything about life today. Well, except for Colt. He’s ‘ungrounded’ today, finally, after five weeks of losing his ipad and ipod. (It was only to be two weeks but he got suspended twice more after that….sigh). I’m looking forward to picking him up so he can play his games and have some fun.
(There’s a smile…finally!)