Horror movies and work
Okay. It’s Wednesday and I managed to get to work for 630 am. I stayed until 630 last night so I’m rounding out a 12 hour on 12 hour off cycle. This is fucking ridiculous. Both managers are now being pissy with me because each thinks I’m prioritizing the other over them. … I work in a GLASS office for crying out loud….they can look in and see my computer screen any time they pass by, which is a ton since I’m right in the middle of the damn waiting room for the clinic. *sigh* They both made a point to tell me that they realize I’m overloaded and can’t be expected to do everything so one thing must come off my plate to allow another to be placed on but their attitudes don’t seem to back up their words. I’m WAY too receptive to negative vibes and I can tell, clearly and plainly, they are not happy. In part, there are budget issues that started back in April that we’re trying to fix…PLEASE NOTE: I Started this job in June. I’m so tired…but, I’m here, I’m working like a dog, I’m putting in the time. I start early, leave late, skip all breaks (which they give me shit for. I’m supposed to be a ‘model’ for the therapists apparently. I’m to follow the proper work/life balance, even though it sabotages my work and makes me even less efficient). Endless circles, this crap.
Anyway. Taking a five minute tea break to write and get ready for this day.
Colt went back to school yesterday and had a decent day. There were issues but nothing like last week. We’ve decided to give the kid a break and try to reset by taking one day a week of school off his schedule. He’s been attending five days a week since kindergarten but it seems to be too long a time for him now….when it’s all in a row. Between now and Christmas we’re going to let him take Wednesdays off to see if that helps make school more manageable. I’m taking it day by day. We have appointments for psychiatric visits and I’m trying to get him assessed by a psychologist in a child and adolescent centre here at work. A blog friend has a relative who is a behaviour analyst and she’s recommended a specific kind of therapy so I want to find someone here who works with it. Hopefully things will improve for my boy.
One tiny piece of news helped me some. We discovered that Colt has been watching (prior to the groundings that banned him from his ipad and the internet) horror movies late in the night. This doesn’t surprise me as he has a thick padding of space between himself and his emotions most days which serve as a shield. Horror movies wouldn’t affect him emotionally the way they would have affected me as a child. On that note – as a kid I was terrified (of everything) of scary movies and when my friends had sleepovers and rented “Nightmare on Elm Street” or something of that sort, I’d leave the party and go home. I hated horror movies. If you’re curious as to why, when I was very small…between 5-7 years old, my dad showed me the Exorcist. If you’ve seen that movie, you know how inappropriate that would be for a terrorized, traumatized, little girl, hell, it scares me to this day, that movie. …. Sorry, back to my point …. Colt’s been watching the movie “Annabelle”. It’s about a haunted doll and looked like a real creepy show when I saw the trailers. Some of the horrible things Colt threatened last week might have (please please please, PLEASE?) been picked up from watching horror movies. I hope, with all my heart and soul it’s true. The other option is that my child is a blooming sociopath whom I’m going to have to watch like a hawk to ensure he doesn’t murder our cats while we sleep one night….and I just can’t swallow that truth. I hate to even write it.
Well, I’ve spent my break…should get onto work so I don’t waste the extra time I have made for myself. My back is really sore today…my arms are clamped to my sides in the way they sit when nothing wants to move. My shoulder joints feel out of place and the tendons are stinging from shoulders to elbows and my neck is on fire with pain. It won’t take long for it to crawl into my face, jaw, head and torso so…shall take advantage of the focus while I can.
Hanging in there. One day at a time. I’m not happy about it but, I’m alive…for today anyway.