Weekend passes by
Monday. I spend most of the weekend under a fog of fear and depression but I’ve managed to find a bit of a clearing to hang onto today. I function best at work…there’s that part of me that will not relent, will not give up and give into the darkest thoughts in my head. I just seem able to bounce along and get shit done until I get home…then I crash physically and mentally…not the best way to raise a disabled child, I know, but thankfully I have Dayne to hold up the other end of this very heavy stick I’m trying to carry.
I wanted to reach out to someone this weekend, just to find a connection, but I didn’t. I have few friends and it was thanksgiving weekend where most of the ones who care for me reside. Although I did really want to just sit down and unload with someone, I couldn’t disrupt a family holiday plus, what is there to say? My life is getting to be too much to bear all at once and I don’t know what to do about it. People don’t know how to handle it when someone’s kid turns against them…it’s like when a work colleague has a deadly disease they’ve just found out about….you want to say something, but what can you say? “I’m really sorry for your shit luck.” just doesn’t sound like it would help any. I tried to talk to Dayne about it all on Sunday and although we managed it without arguing, it only served to panic us and made us feel even more useless and helpless to fix this situation.
Type/delete/type/delete – I’ve been at this post for hours. I don’t know what to say. Maybe I should just start a video blog where I could just talk and not have to worry about how my words sound to others.
Colt is still suspended today so he was going to the sitters, but Dayne woke up throwing up from anxiety and stress so he stayed home. They are spending the day together, I hear. I don’t want to send him back to school this week. I keep having nightmares about being at work when the phone rings and the school’s number flashes in front of me. Every time I answer the phone something more terrible has happened and its always my fault somehow. I sit in my dreams and panic, flooded with guilt and begging forgiveness for things I cannot control or affect, yet feel the blame for anyway.
I’m so tired. My body is in such pain. My eyes won’t stay open and the inside of my mouth is bleeding from all the little rips I make as I chew on my lips without realizing it.
Next steps: Get Colt’s health card issue fixed (need to renew it but can’t find his birth certificate grrr). Make appointment with Psychiatrist ASAP. Call the school to get him reinstated sometime today. Decide if he’s going back this week. Make it through my day….then sleep. Forever, if I can.