Weekend passes by

Monday. I spend most of the weekend under a fog of fear and depression but I’ve managed to find a bit of a clearing to hang onto today. I function best at work…there’s that part of me that will not relent, will not give up and give into the darkest thoughts in my head. I just seem able to bounce along and get shit done until I get home…then I crash physically and mentally…not the best way to raise a disabled child, I know, but thankfully I have Dayne to hold up the other end of this very heavy stick I’m trying to carry.

I wanted to reach out to someone this weekend, just to find a connection, but I didn’t. I have few friends and it was thanksgiving weekend where most of the ones who care for me reside. Although I did really want to just sit down and unload with someone, I couldn’t disrupt a family holiday plus, what is there to say? My life is getting to be too much to bear all at once and I don’t know what to do about it. People don’t know how to handle it when someone’s kid turns against them…it’s like when a work colleague has a deadly disease they’ve just found out about….you want to say something, but what can you say? “I’m really sorry for your shit luck.” just doesn’t sound like it would help any. I tried to talk to Dayne about it all on Sunday and although we managed it without arguing, it only served to panic us and made us feel even more useless and helpless to fix this situation.

Type/delete/type/delete – I’ve been at this post for hours. I don’t know what to say. Maybe I should just start a video blog where I could just talk and not have to worry about how my words sound to others.

Colt is still suspended today so he was going to the sitters, but Dayne woke up throwing up from anxiety and stress so he stayed home. They are spending the day together, I hear. I don’t want to send him back to school this week. I keep having nightmares about being at work when the phone rings and the school’s number flashes in front of me. Every time I answer the phone something more terrible has happened and its always my fault somehow. I sit in my dreams and panic, flooded with guilt and begging forgiveness for things I cannot control or affect, yet feel the blame for anyway.

I’m so tired. My body is in such pain. My eyes won’t stay open and the inside of my mouth is bleeding from all the little rips I make as I chew on my lips without realizing it.

Next steps: Get Colt’s health card issue fixed (need to renew it but can’t find his birth certificate grrr). Make appointment with Psychiatrist ASAP. Call the school to get him reinstated sometime today. Decide if he’s going back this week. Make it through my day….then sleep. Forever, if I can.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

9 responses to “Weekend passes by”

  1. KittyHere says :

    No family commitments over the holidays so you may always email if you feel like it. You are not the first parent to face such big challenges, please do keep that in mind. Wish you had a support group that respected and would reinforce that for you. Sending you a courage booster shot.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks Kitty. It’s good to be reminded that I’m not the only one out there. xox Thank you for the booster shot! I’ll send you an email this week when I get a sec.

  2. Kyra says :

    I’m so, so sorry that things are so bad right now. I don’t know if there’s much I can do to help, but you can ALWAYS call or text me if you need someone to talk to. I’m always happy to hear from you. Do you still have my number?

    • Grainne says :

      Just knowing you’re there helps, my friend. Yes, I have your number and I’ll not lose it. We’re so much alike in so many ways….thank you for understanding me. oxox

  3. Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

    Yeah, one of the reasons I debate about blogging is that there really isn’t a lot to say once things go totally off the rails…I’m quite familiar with the whole type-delete-type-delete scenario. Yet reading your story has been helpful to me and definitely has made me feel less alone. Maybe that doesn’t amount to much in the big picture of life, but I hope it gives you some comfort in all you’re going through.

    • Grainne says :

      Well I suspect you know exactly how much feeling less alone can mean. (A lot!). Thanks for being here. I’m getting to know you through your blog…i’m quite glad we ran into each other here. (Your post are meaningful to me as well. I hope you keep posting too, even when there isnt much to say.)

  4. Pete says :

    Hey Sis, unload on me because I feel just like you at the moment (like that hasn’t happened before huh?). I’ve read every post you’ve written and know you, and of course ‘really know you!’ We’ve had a gap apart and it hasn’t been good for either of us, the WHOLE TIME for me actually. Lean on me, buy a bag of peppermints and catch a movie 🙂 I always feel better at the movies because once everything goes dark and the movie starts, my troubles go away for a little while.

    Love You so much my twin,

    Pete xo

    • Grainne says :

      Hello my twin from across the globe. I always visit you in my head when I’m needing a friend. (Thanks for being in there!). Looking forward to reconnecting with you, as always. xx

  5. ittymac says :

    I don’t know how to comfort you but I have this really strong feeling inside that I should try. Do everything you can, especially during the worst times, to remember how resilient you are, and remind yourself there are others “out here” who understand and sincerely empathize.

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