Apparently, my tolerance does have an end.

(Please excuse the rambling, self focused pity, selfishness and abject misery of this post. I’m having a really hard time today and needed to discharge some of the murk in my head).

So things didn’t go quite as well as I hoped yesterday. I was feeling fairly confident as we had made it to 3 PM at work without a phone call from the school. I was starting to get excited for our planned day off today, Friday. Today was the day the Colt was to end his grounding from the last suspension, and was going to be getting back all of his things that he had been restricted from. I told him we could take a day off school and work just enjoy his success. I thought it might help give him something to shoot for or some kind of goal to remember. I had just told my coworkers how happy I was that he’d made it through when the phone rang.

The principal was away that day but Colt’s teacher ended up being the acting principal for the day. I heard her voice shake the second she said hello. She was calling to tell me that she had bad news and I could hear how exhausted she sounded in the sigh she let out before she began to speak.

Colt of been out on the playground at lunchtime with a lot of his friends. He noticed a group of girls playing with the ball off in the corner and decided he wanted to join. The story was told as if the girls were interested in letting him join but they didn’t want to play exactly the way he wanted to so he got frustrated and started to yell at them and took their ball away. Teacher intervened and told him he could have his own ball, offered to take him into the gym to sign one out, when he ran to the fence and toss the ball into the street. The teacher then told him he would have to go to the office and an onslaught of threats resulted.

My beautiful boy opened his mouth and said some of the most horrible things I’ve ever heard another human being say. I wrote them out here but I can’t post it. I’ll just say that the things that came out of his mouth scared me more than anything ever has. He did tell the school he was going to go home and hurt me. He said he was going to punch me in the face until I fell down and would then start kicking me until I stopped moving. He threw a dig in about Dayne having a shitty temper and how his dad would probably punch him in the face for hurting me, but he didn’t care.

I had a bit of a PTSD melt down in my office but managed to keep it entirely inside. I also managed to drive to the sitter, texted ask her to send them out and said hi to him when we got in the car. I made his dinner and sent him to his room and waited until I could sleep.

I know, full well, that this is not all about me. I know my son needs help and I will do everything I can to get that help for him. I cannot seem to shake the reaction inside me though. Maybe it’s just too soon. I just keep thinking why? It’s as if there must ALWAYS be someone in my life threatening to hurt me, physically and emotionally. Sometimes they hold my job over me, sometimes they beat and rape me. Sometimes they abandon and withdraw love because they aren’t getting what they want, like M did. I just got him out of my system and now my son is angry enough with me to publicly threaten to hurt me.

What karma am I paying here?! I was good with the childhood being shitty…it happens, it’s over, I learned a lot. I was okay with the homeless period, good with the asshole husband I divorced. I settled after a terrible job that triggered me constantly, learned to cope with my body crumbling inside me and the constant pain that followed. I managed ALL that along with a messed up relationship and a disabled child. And now… Now that I have a job where the people are nice if nothing else, my relationship is back on track and I’m coping well with this godawful fucking constant pain, Colt not only withdraws from me, he now wants to hurt me.

I know this is about him needing things, not Grainne needing things but wow. I just don’t think my brain can handle this one.

I lived through a night of torturous nightmares, woke in a deep, dark place and I’ve only moved to feed and clothe my child who has spend the day so far in his room, hiding from the pain be caused. Just like his dad.

On a nice note Dayne actually held me for a while as I reached a near hysterical jag of bawling when he wouldn’t stop drilling me for answers last night. He is panicking too, Dayne is. We have a lot of talking to do this weekend. I don’t think we can send Colt back to school for a while.

I want to go back to that place where I didn’t care and had no hope. Honestly, I’ve been fantasizing about dying and finally escaping this life. I want to be with my mom. I need someone, anyone who will just stay and never want to destroy me. I’m starting to think that just won’t exist in my life. Ever.

I know it’s not about me, I do. I just needed somewhere to put this.

Maybe a miracle will happen and our house will burn down while we sleep or something, taking us all with it. A nice, easy out where no one is to blame. Act of god. It would be rather fitting that he finally shows up in my life, only to take me out. I’m losing hope that this suffering is ever going to end.

I don’t know how to help Colt. That’s nothing new. I’ve been helpless and totally useless to him for most of his life so far, but this isn’t a small issue now. The things he said guys…I don’t know where that could have come from. It was violent, threatening, terrifying and graphic. He hasn’t had access to TV, the internet, YouTube … He’s been grounded for almost a
Month at this point. I just don’t know and now I’m scared for him. I’m worried to death about what happens the day I become scared OF him. My beautiful boy. I love him so much.

This is the grandest failure of my life so far and that’s saying something coming from me.

What do I do now?

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

4 responses to “Apparently, my tolerance does have an end.”

  1. KittyHere says :

    You reach out for help. You do need to care for and protect yourself through all this because you are no help to Colt if you don’t.

  2. Kyra says :

    Oh, Grainne, I’m so, so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. Yes, it’s about what Colt needs–but it’s also about what you need because you can’t help him get what he needs if you’re too triggered to function. Both of you deserve the help and support you need.

  3. Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

    There are just no easy answers here, are there? I was abused by my mentally ill brother growing up and now I’m abused by my ASD son. While my son is still young enough to not be able to seriously hurt me, I see the violence coming at me like a freight train as he gets older. When people say, “get some help and support,” I wonder what exactly they mean. What possible help is out there, and from where will this magical help come from?

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