So Dayne came home. I had asked him to please come home, not leave me here alone all night. He came. We sat down for a moment and he started in about how he was pissed at the school for messing Colt up in that seven months he had a bad teacher who just let him play all day.
Seriously? I asked him to stop. He started to yell. I got up and left. He came to where I was to ask me what my fucking problem was and I told him just to take Colt and go out and I would just go back to sleep. We all had planned to break the tension with some shopping for groceries but he took me up on my suggestion left. He made a point to tell me to shut up and leave him alone in his way, tossing in a jab about how me shutting him out isn’t helping. And, while I sobbed on the couch, they left. He came back to tell me that I wasn’t the only one suffering and left again, slamming the door to add a physical exclamation mark on his way.
Now the house is completely silent aside from the fan spinning above me. I’m overheating, covered in sweat huddled under blankets, wet and freezing in this stupid house with no heat. The cats won’t even come near me. I ugly-cried for a bit but a sudden shift inside me stopped it all dead. I felt the numbness crawl from my belly to my chest and my body stopped breathing for a moment; nothing moved and I didn’t care. The entire world, right now, could vanish and it wouldn’t even draw my attention.
I feel like I’m In the middle of a real life nightmare. I’m screaming inside and outside today. I want to run away but I have absolutely nowhere to go. I’ve felt this before in life and I thought is never be back here. 15, alone and sobbing until I nearly puked, cold and feeling like tiniest speck of nothing in this world. Useless. Unloved. Mostly completely misunderstood. Or maybe not. Maybe I am some horrible creature who deserves this. I don’t even care anymore.
There just isn’t any point to this is there? Stupid fucking me, believing in something better. Around here you don’t get better. Only worse, harder, more complicated and deeper into the sadness that wants to eat me alive in my dreams. I would greatly prefer there to here right now. If I could induce a coma and live out my days being chased through my nightmares, I would. Hands down. At least I have something to hold onto there; some weird, undying motivation to find a way out; a way in…just a way to survive or hide or exist without this constant …. What? Trial? Madness. That’s all it is. If it was a test it would eventually end and this crap doesn’t end, it morphs and shifts and seems to move with me, finding it’s way into everything I do and everyone I love.
I give up, for today anyway. There’s just nothing here for me in this moment.