Alone

So Dayne came home. I had asked him to please come home, not leave me here alone all night. He came. We sat down for a moment and he started in about how he was pissed at the school for messing Colt up in that seven months he had a bad teacher who just let him play all day.

Seriously? I asked him to stop. He started to yell. I got up and left. He came to where I was to ask me what my fucking problem was and I told him just to take Colt and go out and I would just go back to sleep. We all had planned to break the tension with some shopping for groceries but he took me up on my suggestion left. He made a point to tell me to shut up and leave him alone in his way, tossing in a jab about how me shutting him out isn’t helping. And, while I sobbed on the couch, they left. He came back to tell me that I wasn’t the only one suffering and left again, slamming the door to add a physical exclamation mark on his way.

Now the house is completely silent aside from the fan spinning above me. I’m overheating, covered in sweat huddled under blankets, wet and freezing in this stupid house with no heat. The cats won’t even come near me. I ugly-cried for a bit but a sudden shift inside me stopped it all dead. I felt the numbness crawl from my belly to my chest and my body stopped breathing for a moment; nothing moved and I didn’t care. The entire world, right now, could vanish and it wouldn’t even draw my attention.

I feel like I’m In the middle of a real life nightmare. I’m screaming inside and outside today. I want to run away but I have absolutely nowhere to go. I’ve felt this before in life and I thought is never be back here. 15, alone and sobbing until I nearly puked, cold and feeling like tiniest speck of nothing in this world. Useless. Unloved. Mostly completely misunderstood. Or maybe not. Maybe I am some horrible creature who deserves this. I don’t even care anymore.

There just isn’t any point to this is there? Stupid fucking me, believing in something better. Around here you don’t get better. Only worse, harder, more complicated and deeper into the sadness that wants to eat me alive in my dreams. I would greatly prefer there to here right now. If I could induce a coma and live out my days being chased through my nightmares, I would. Hands down. At least I have something to hold onto there; some weird, undying motivation to find a way out; a way in…just a way to survive or hide or exist without this constant …. What? Trial? Madness. That’s all it is. If it was a test it would eventually end and this crap doesn’t end, it morphs and shifts and seems to move with me, finding it’s way into everything I do and everyone I love.

I give up, for today anyway. There’s just nothing here for me in this moment.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

6 responses to “Alone”

  1. KittyHere says :

    I am so sorry you could not have a calm talk with Dayne and that his actions hurt you as well as not being a good example for your son.

  2. Dennis says :

    Angel dont give up on the battle its not a easy one but u are a fighter and a survivor xoxo

    • Grainne says :

      Hi Dennis, thank you for the words of encouragement. I’m not sure what you must think of me, seeing this side of my world…I’m thankful you’re here though. You’ve always held a special place in my heart.

  3. Pete says :

    Hey Sis, what happened? No reply…if it was that woman from EP then she set me up (spoke to the wrong person, if you know what I mean) I’m feeling it too, surreal as if the world isn’t real. You still have my email address, don’t give up on me!

    Love you,

    Pete xo

    • Grainne says :

      Hey Pete. I was wondering where you vanished to. I hope everything is okay with you and you’re doing well. It should be coming up to summer where you are…so jealous. I’ve sent you a few email that I don’t think reached you….write me an email when you get a sec and we’ll catch up. xx

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