Resolution. Or something like it?
Wednesday. No wait, Thursday. Oh wow, tomorrow is the end of the week…that kind of blew right by me. Too much stress I think. I realized last night I’d not eaten in three days. I do that when I’m stressed without realizing it….my stomach goes off and the last thing I want is food. Last night Colt wanted to help make dinner so we made it easy – cold cuts stabbed with toothpicks, cheese cut into cubes and baby dill pickles. He wanted so much to make me something I let him and we ate together, cuddled on the heating blanket in our freezing house. (Got to get that thing winterized this weekend before we freeze in our sleep!). I felt a little better with food in my belly and slept better as well, although only for about 4 hours. I’m not tired yet today though…too much concentration required driving on those miserable, black ice and snow covered roads. (Side note – my new Torrent is AMAZING in the snow. Love my new car so much…feels so safe and secure. I’m a careful winter driver anyway but this beast sticks to the road like glue).
A strange thing happened last night. I think Dayne read my blog…or something of that sort, because when we were sitting around last night while he was doing some work on his laptop and I was watching strange videos on youtube (I get so lost in that universe and end up watching the most bizarre things) he suddenly turned to me and said:
“So there’s a photo of some blonde woman in stockings that you sent me in August. Who is she?” He said. “Are you talking to someone online?!” He asked, words dripping with accusation.
I looked at him from across the room, puzzled, but also kind of amused. I was curious to see where he was heading with the question.
“Uhh Dayne, that didn’t come from me. Nor did the other photos on your Ipad.”
Dayne, true to style, immediately began to deflect the blame.
“I don’t know who it is – YOU sent the picture to me in August over text.” He reaffirmed.
“I didn’t send you a picture of a naked chick. There are several photos on your ipad of women. I saw them the day you gave it to me to show me the photos of the lighthouse you took.”
“No, I didn’t save those! They were on my phone and they just transferred to the iPad when I synced them.”
“Okay – well, I’ve seen the photos. Now we’re on the topic though, I’ve also seen your inbox and the multiple “friendfinder” emails sent to your account.” I figured it was a good time to bring it up.
“I don’t have an account with any of those places! I have a ton of junk mail…maybe that’s what you saw?”
“Well, unless they made up the name of your account *said name here – it’s obvious it’s him by the handle he choose* you must have registered at some point.” He went quiet there. “And then there’s the daily visits to that webcam site too. I’ve seen all of it Dayne. You passed out one night with the cam girls on and I checked your history to find dozens of visits.”
“I don’t really want to talk about it because I figure it’s not my place. Just please, if you’re looking to leave, don’t fuck me around and just go?”
Here, I put my video back on and he immediately began pretending there was something dreadfully wrong with his work laptop which was absorbing all of his focus and attention. I let it go. Sat around until 2 am and fell asleep. He didn’t say anything else about it.
This morning he called me to ask if I was okay. I said yes. He apologized, many times, told me he loved me and that he wasn’t ever planning on leaving. He said he’d not met anyone, not chatted online with anyone, he hadn’t even emailed or contacted anyone…just looked at photos. I actually had looked at his sent email the day I saw the friend finder stuff and there was no correspondence so I believe him mostly. I explained that some of my recent ‘bitchy’ was from the worry that caused, specifically since I discovered it all just as I was hitting my highest weight and feeling the worst about my body.
He said he’s going to get me a really great Christmas present to make up for all of this. :S I’m not sure about that buy off but if he didn’t actually sleep with anyone…is it just a guy looking at porn? I don’t want to stop him from doing that if that’s what he wants. It’s not my call….as long as he’s not pursuing another relationship or screwing some chick on the side… I don’t know if that’s okay. Is that okay? I think I’m going to let him away with it regardless. I don’t know what I feel about all this…it’s muddled up inside with all the PTSD crap, anxiety and stress over Colt and his issues. It feels like rejection though, which I cope with poorly, as we all know.
I feel kind of sick about it. He hasn’t touched me in days…not a hug or a hand on the knee. That’s typical though…comes and goes, physical affection with Dayne. We’ve not slept together in over a month either, but that’s mostly because we rarely make it to bed and sleep on separate couches.
What the hell am I doing with my life? I don’t know what to think or feel right now.