Not many reasons left

How did this become my life? What have I done wrong?! I’m sorry!! Whatever I did, I’m sorry from the bottom of my soul. Please? Please let me out of this … (Dissolves into messy sobs trying to find a word for ‘everything’).

Everything is falling apart and I don’t understand why. Why is my beautiful child assaulting his peers? He just got suspended for bullying and they note, in the letter, that Colt has physically assaulted this child on more than one occasion. There is a meeting that we cannot miss in order to get him back this time and it was asked that we both attend. I read that, Dayne read it, I felt my body shift inside itself and everything muted. I thought to myself, as Dayne started to raise his voice again:

How did this become my life?

…and I lost it. Fell to pieces. The sounds that came out of me…well, ladylike they were not. Dayne split on cue and Colt sat there as I kind of sank to my knees and bawled. I eventually managed to get to my feet and got a roll of toilet paper and came upstairs to the freezing bedroom to huddle in the corner in the dark. I cried a lot more then. No one came to see if I was okay, but that wasn’t supposed to be the lesson here.

I’m freezing now. I was only wearing a tank top when I ran away to another room.

Sitting here, I paused to listen to what Colt was saying. Dayne kept asking him if he wanted to be taken away?! He asked If wasn’t happy here, with all his toys and things…obviously not from the way he was acting. This prompted the most heart breaking thing I have ever heard in my life.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, but I think I would like to live with another family.”

Dayne explained exactly what he meant and gave Colt the chance to back out if that one but he didn’t. He just repeated what he said. He wanted new parents. He was sorry and loved us but he didn’t want to be here anymore.

Part of me died, hearing that.

Another view into the world that is my son. He doesn’t seem to have any sense of reality. How did I do this to him??! If nothing else … He’s missing the same part of his soul that I am. I swear, I never thought it was even remotely possible to pass than on.

I have never been so without a reason to take my next breath. Even though nothing ever seems to get better, it doesn’t seem possible that it could continue getting worse. I’m a little surprised every single time. I am getting smarter though. Hear that god?! You fucking hear me now?!?

Yeah. I didn’t think so.


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Not many reasons left”

  1. KittyHere says :

    Colt does not really know what he is thinking. Honest. He may have a picture of being like some other kid if he lived elsewhere but it is just a fantasy. So chin up.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks Kitty. Trying. If there’s anything that gets me 100% of the time, it’s rejection. Trying hard to separate the 10 year old from the words. xx

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