More trouble. What am I going to do…. :(

Okay guys, this is getting to be too much for me today. I’m not functioning well at this point and will likely be in early tomorrow desperately trying to catch up or whatever semblance of catching up I can manage in this crazy job. I actually have to have two sets of budgets for the next two fiscal years reviewed, revised and approved (from my standpoint) by tomorrow morning. I was given this task on Friday. Friday! God damnit… these people. I mean, they’re very understanding and kind but wow. Nice turnaround time there ladies. (Scowls).

And then the phone rang. My daily chit chat with Colt’s school. On Friday he did a pretty good job although he swore, several times, at students who said hello to him in the morning. He told me that he didn’t like talking to people first thing…which I get, hell, he is ~exactly~ like his father there, but to turn to a lovely little grade fiver girl and return her sweet ‘good morning’ with a “FUCK OFF” is a bit much. I just sat there, jaw slightly agape.

I have a really hard time with aggression, violence, uncontrolled anger etc. My reasons are obvious and are the cause of my complex ptsd.

All I need and want in my life is to have people who love me for who I am, not what I can give them (or take from them). I need someone gentle and loving to walk with me through all of this. I’m currently in gut-churning pain so bad I’m seeing little lights on my peripheral every time I blink or move. The sound of the keys on my keyboard are thundering in my ears…echoing nearly. My everything hurts. Every-fucking-thing. My sciatic nerve is screaming from my ass to my heel, my lower back is on fire with terrible pain, my shoulders are locked and immobile, my neck cramped and all joints and broken bits…grinding like glass being reduced back to sand. My head is pounding in sickening waves and I just threw up the coffee I treated myself to earlier today.

Then the phone rings. I look, see the school, my heart gives one thud then goes dark in preparation of what will come next.

“Grainne, we have some real concerns here….” and on she went to explain that Colt is bullying a kid. (Cue blood turning to ice in veins…..cue panic in the back of my mind…..aaaaand action!)

Michael, this really nice, patient, sweet kid who always volunteers to help Colt both academically and socially, was outside with Colt making snow balls on second break this morning.

Colt made a snowball and said to Michael, “I’m going to throw mine over the fence and you’re going to give me your snowball.”

To which Michael replied, “No Colt, that’s not a fair thing to do. Plus, you can always just make another.”

Of course, (for whatever freaking reason) this prompted Colt to toss his snowball over the fence and then he demanded Michaels. When he said no for the second time, Colt apparently jumped on him and started kicking him while he was down. Several times they reported. She said that it was clearly pre-meditated, clearly thought out and clearly bullying. He’s suspended for tomorrow. I can’t even begin to disagree with them this time. This one is all his fault.

I feel so sick. My sweet, loving, little boy who used to try so hard to make people smile and laugh, is beating up the kids who are the nicest to him for no reason at all.

He was grounded for two weeks after the last incident of suspension (for swearing). We took away all of his favourite toys, his ipad and ipod, computer games, tv and internet…..anything fun that he would miss. It was a long two weeks for him and he counted it down day by day, trying hard to not get into more trouble. Of course, small incidents of swearing and other issues came along but for the most part he was pretty good. The very first day back at school after getting his things back, this happens. Over NOTHING. They were playing nicely; Michael was being good to him; no one was telling him to do anything, bossing him around, not wanting him around…. he just acted like a spoiled brat and a bully. Aggression…kicking his peers? Where the hell is this coming from?! Dayne is a pretty dramatic guy but he has never, once, laid a finger on either of us. He knows that’s the straw that will break me, should he ever think to take that route. I also told him, point blank, if he ever hit Colt for any reason I’d be gone out the door faster than he could count, Colt in arms. The same goes for me…I have never let another man hit me. I divorced my ex husband, in a large part, because he struck me once. We don’t beat people up in my world. That Colt is doing so is triggering the living crap out of me and I don’t know what to do about this. What do I DO? I can’t divorce my kid. I can’t run and hide like my mother did to leave him to face the world on his own. But how can I live like this? The violence is making me panic inside…I’m shaking and frantic just below the surface. My son is the sort of person I have grown to hate. What do you do when that happens? How did I mess him up so much?

I know it’s not all my fault. I realize this on every logical and rational level I have but, I cannot let this slip by as ‘oh well, life is unfair and you’ll just have to suck it up’. I can’t live with someone who is this way but this time, this someone is my child. My disabled, messed up child who I’ve done nothing but love and treat with gentle kindness and constant compassion. My beautiful boy. *Tears at work again. FFS.

I decided to have a baby with a man I loved. We got pregnant and we were so excited. I remember many moments, standing over our soon-to-be child’s crib, smiling down at the cute linens and teddy bears all ready for our little angel to arrive. The baby was born and it wasn’t what we had been expecting, but it didn’t really matter; he was ours and we loved him with every breath we took. We dove in and invested our everything into this child of ours, knowing his life would always be hard; dedicated to taking as much as the burden as we could from him. I argued with Dayne constantly for the first years, demanding to get Colt some help that Dayne didn’t want to admit he needed; he couldn’t face it and called me all sorts of names, chastising me for spending wasted hours on the computer looking for things to be wrong when they weren’t. (Wow those were dismal times. The knot of depression/hopelessness that unfurled as I typed those words was terrible). I fought with daycares and babysitters, the CAS….doctors and nurses. I fought until someone bothered to diagnose him and then I started my fight with the school to accept and accommodate him. It was all worth it…every ounce of energy and love spent, until the day Colt started to flush it all down the drain. I can’t blame him, he’s just a kid. A doubly disabled kid at that… but oh my god what am I going to do now? He’s setting fire to the bridges I’ve built just because he wants to be a dick.

What do I do if/when he turns this anger on me? Please someone, tell me what I’m supposed to do when that happens? What do I do when his anger is setting me off, causing panic and terror to scream through my head?? Right now I’m wired for sound…I can hear/smell/taste/feel/see everything around me including the bits of dust in the air. I can hear people floors away…danger everywhere. I can feel my pulse speeding, my pupils dilating….that old familiar panic calling to me.

All that said, I do realize this isn’t all about me. I just don’t know how much more I can take. Dayne is chatting up naked women on the internet, joining “friend finder” apps so he can ‘hook up’ with local people they find for you by location…. I have tried several times to talk about it but I can’t bring myself to ask about it all. Colt is hurting people, swearing, displaying zero respect for authority, friendship, or people in general. My job is too busy to get done, let alone done well and I’m in so much fucking pain I can hardly stand it.

Desperate to sleep. Escape. I think I’ll get drunk tonight and see what other sources of numb I can find. I’ll take one of anything today to settle some of this down inside me. I don’t want to go home anymore. My one solace. My peace. Gone and replaced by an angry little boy and his angry father.

Why, guys? Why is this happening? Why doesn’t it ever seem to stop? 😦

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

5 responses to “More trouble. What am I going to do…. :(”

  1. Kyra says :

    Oh, Grainne, I’m so sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you, how to help you. I’m so sorry things are so hard.

    Just a thought: would you mind if I asked my mother for advice about your situation? (She’s a behavior analyst who works with autistic kids.) She may be crazy (less so now that she’s married), but she’s good at her job. I don’t know how useful her advice would be, but she might know something helpful.

    Or you can tell me to shut up and stop trying to fix your family. That’s totally valid too, and I get that.

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks, my awesome friend. Please, feel free to share anything you know with your mom. Please don’t talk to her on my behalf though…I most certainly do not want to increase the stress on your plate for the sake of my own. xox Thank you xox

  2. KittyHere says :

    So sorry that Colt is acting out and that he is becoming physical in his frustration. Keep in mind that he is a young boy who has the potential to grow out of this current pattern. Keep reaching out for help. Kyra’s mom might have insight to share.

  3. Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

    This is an extremely difficult topic. I too was abused my entire childhood by my severely mentally disturbed brother (he’s bipolar with psychosis). I cannot fathom what I will do if my ASD child starts to abuse me (he’s already showing some signs, he’s just not big enough to really hurt me yet). Sibling abuse and our kid’s abuse seems to be the two kinds of violence that we’re supposed to suck up and deal with no matter how bad it gets. There also seems to be no resources to deal with this, because pretty much every place will throw a violent child out of their facility. No answers for you again Grianne…just know you are not alone and not the only mama facing such dire times. These are the situations where I feel the only thing left that can possibly give me comfort is some kind of spirituality or faith, but I’ve recently lost my belief system (not sure where you’re at with yours). I do take comfort in knowing you are fighting the same good fight I am.

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