Hopelessness returns

There’s just not enough I can do. Dayne tried to use a little guilt to motivate Colt to behave better at school…he told him that I was up crying all night long. Colt instantly brought it back up when I picked him up at the sitters after work (thank god for that woman and her beautiful family).

“Hi mom. Are you okay? What’s wrong? Why aren’t you smiling?” Colt began the moment he saw me.

“Hi babe. I’m okay. I’m not smiling because I’m sad.”

“Are you sad about me getting suspended?” he said in a quiet voice.

“Mmhm.” I replied.

“Oh.”

We didn’t talk again until we got to the car.

“Dad said you cried all night long.” Colt said, tears in his voice but not in his eyes.

I told him that I was so sad, not only because he got suspended, but because of the choices he was making. He was choosing to be mean, cruel and unfriendly to the kids and teachers around him.

After reading all the documentation the principal sent home I was beside myself. Colt’s language is far worse than I had originally thought. The words he’s using are not just random….I mean, he’ll hear me say “shit” and on occasion “asshole” or maybe even “bitch” but this stuff? Holy crap. His offenses were recorded on his file and include words like: mother fucker, motherfucking bitch/asshole/jackass/cock sucker. He calls female teachers fucking bitches to their FACE when they try to halt his behaviour and has told several male teachers to “suck his balls/bag/dick” on more than one occasion. He will start yelling at the top of his lungs “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck EVERYONE!” and it just escalates from there.

… Holy crap this is not, in any way, the schools fault. This is Colt deciding to be an asshole, and I told him so last night. I told him I don’t like people who are mean and aggressive with others and that using those words with someone is just as bad as hitting them. I tried, hard, to explain verbal assault. I told him that it breaks my heart because I know that he’s a really nice, kind, cool kid who has so much to offer; that he chooses to behave like a bully is a terrible thing. He reacted, somewhat. I don’t know if it sunk in or, if it did, if he cares at all. I guess I’ll find out today. Well, next week….he’ll be on his best behaviour for the next few days because he’s sick of doing chores already and doesn’t want his iPad gone for longer than two weeks.

This isn’t the tourettes…although I’m sure it’s making things harder for him. It’s in part the frustration that comes from the autism but more than anything, it’s just Colt pushing his weight around and behaving like a jerk.

Colt was sorry. He told me several times how he was going to fix everything. He wanted to get cards from the store to write to his friends and teachers to show them how sorry he was but I told him it was too late; No one believes his apologies anymore because he just does the same thing the very next day. He began to rattle off other things. “I’ll be kind and help the little kids. I will do all the work I’m asked to do. I won’t swear or punch anyone. I’ll stay in my classroom and be respectful to my teachers and my friends….” Every word took me further down. He knows the answers to fix this shit but STILL, he does not bother. Only when he’s caught and doesn’t know how to get out of it. I guess that’s a normal kid thing but the rest? *sigh*

How did this happen? We aren’t religiously careful about watching what we say but we certainly do not use words like MF or make any reference to sucking/licking any body parts in or out of his earshot. I realize he’ll hear it from peers and the like but wow….this is pretty severe considering what trouble normal ten year olds get into.

Did we pass down all this dysfunction? Did Dayne’s temper and anger just spring to life in Colt even though it was created because no one loved Dayne as a child? Did I do the same? How did we produce such a messed up kid? We raised him with love, understanding, patience and an enormous amount of guidance. People who don’t know me (us) tell me I’m a good mother all the time….is it just the outward appearance that fools people?

My head hurts so much. I have so much work to do. My heart aches now too. My entire purpose for being seems to be something I’ve completely messed up. All I can think, is “What have I done?” Why did I get pregnant expecting to have a normal life with a normal child? I should have known better. This poor kid has to suffer through life because of me. All I want is his happiness. He doesn’t seem to want the same….but I can’t blame him. He’s messed up, confused, unhappy, restricted…. I feel so guilty. I’d give my life if I could make his even a tiny bit better.

Although brought on by stress that is entirely circumstantial, I’m having some PTSD/depression issues again. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to cope with these and it’s already exhausting. I was driving along on my way to work this morning and was suddenly overtaken by thoughts of driving my beautiful new car off the side of the bridge. In my mind (and I remember nothing but this from the drive in) I let my right tires touch the gravel shoulder which pulled me in and sent me half on, half off the barrier that marks the start of the bridge. I felt the car teeter and find balance, only to slowly tip forward and tumble down the embankment, rolling and crunching it’s way to the bottom with me inside. I watched the world flip upside down and right side up in mad, disorienting circles. My heart was filled with joy for a moment as I watched the ground come up far too fast and I knew, for a moment, that it was all finally over. Then I snapped back in and was pulling into the parking garage at work. Missing time is the first clue that something in my head is going off. There’s also a hopeless feeling inside me……one I know too well but forgot how powerful it can be.

I can feel my emotions slithering back into the closets I kept them in for so many years. I’ve lost my reason to bother and I just don’t know where to find another. I want, desperately, to sleep. I want to sit in the rental house I live in while dreaming, looking out the windows, waiting for danger.

This is about the last thing I needed. But yeah, I realize it’s not all about me. It never is, unless I’m being blamed for something.

*sigh* Maybe work will wash this out of me for a while.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Hopelessness returns”

  1. Ellen says :

    I am sorry Grainne. I also lived with my son when he was quite dysfunctional and failing out of school, though he didn’t have the ‘organic’ type challenges yours has. It was really really rough. Somehow I lived through it, but those were dark days, so I know some of what you are feeling. Hang in there.

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you Ellen. I knew this was coming but I didn’t expect the roller coaster of emotional ups and downs….I have no idea why I fooled myself into thinking this would be easier than the first few years of his life. I’m desperate to see this kid happy but it just keeps getting more challenging.

      Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone in this.

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