Aftermath

They came home. Dayne yelled. Colt kind of listened. Said sorry. I told him don’t believe his apology anymore and the guilt of it ripped me apart inside. Now Colt thinks no one likes or wants him around. I told him they’ve had enough, that he’s out of chances. He cried a bit. Stopped. Cried again and when I asked what was making him sad he said that his dad took away all his toys.

Dayne wants to keep him home for the rest of the week. They already think we are shit parents. They think Dayne is too loud, angry and aggressive. The principal thinks we let him stay up all night and don’t bother to follow up on behaviours from home. They complain about us sending soda in his lunch because it’s all he eats. When we don’t send it he eats nothing at all, gets cranky and then they call.

The psychiatrist said not to let the. Put him in a placement. The principal says they have no other option as she is now spending a ridiculous amount of time with him in the office. The staff is growing weary and I suspect some are starting to resent him. The kids are needing breaks from my son. Everything has been a waste and he’s not even a teen yet.

I’m in so much physical pain right now I’m seeing double. I have to get up a 5 am to get to work early so I’m going to knock myself out shortly. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I want a moment to rest so badly …

I was walking a fine line before this school year. Now? I’m starting to feel it close in on me again. Longing for the cool walls of the grave I used to imagine myself in while I drifted off to sleep as a child, wrapped in the skeleton arms of my long dead mother. I seriously cannot think of a place I’d rather be right now.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Aftermath”

  1. Ellen says :

    It’s not your fault. Colt has his own reasons for acting as he does, but he can’t articulate them to you. He is not a bad kid and you are not a bad mother.

    • Grainne says :

      Made me cry. He’s not a bad kid….I kept trying to tell him that last night, that I know how lovely and kind he really is underneath this phase of odd behavior. He just kept telling me he was now ‘a bully’. Broke my heart when he said he guessed there would be no Christmas this year, thanks to him. The LAST thing I want is for him to blame himself for the struggles. I’m stuck between my ten year old and his father in this and I’m the only calm one. Life huh?

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