The most selfish post
Just crying my heart out. I tried to ask him why, or how, or who but he couldn’t tell me.
“Why Colt? What did Derrick do to you?
“Nothing. I was being rude.” Is the reply.
It’s hard to say if he feels bad about being rude or if he just knows that admission of guilt is the shortest and fastest way out of the exchange. Colt will admit guilt no matter who is at fault. He often often gets blamed for things he didn’t do. (Or is that misplaced wishful thinking glinting in my eyes again?). No…there have been many times that he will admit to doing something I have accused him of when the real culprit was Dayne. Tears and everything including promises not to do it again.
My god. The only thing in my entire head that makes sense is that I was born unwanted and remained so, in so many ways. Even though I poured my heart and soul into being a good mother to this already handicapped child, he will end up like his mother, in the end, despite it all. I produced a broken child from this broken, weary soul. Love, security, comfort and endless acceptance doesn’t even get us past grade five. ringing in my head…’what have you done?’ It seems that now, my misery is twofold.