Aaaand fail

(Pecked out on my iPhone. Please forgive errors and bizarre formatting)

Well, my Monday was decent until about 730 am or so when I got to work and the front desk folks called in sick. Apparently, it’s my job to find coverage in such situations and, of course, no one could cover so… I got stuck checking in patients all day. I didn’t set foot in my office other than to grab a bit of paper and that was my entire day; booking appointments, registering people and answering the phone (that rings so much it barely stops. Not kidding…it sounds like one long, never ending phone call). I got zero done of my own work so I will be lucky to get half of my work done this week. The big stats audit I do monthly starts on Wednesday so if she’s not back by then I’m screwed.

That was a bad start to the week, but I had no idea what else was in store when my cell phone rang. It was the school. I made an attempt to answer between patients and documents and phone calls and eventually had to retreat to a quiet room to make the call (while patients lined up at the desk and messages piled up on voicemail).

Colt is suspended for tomorrow. More fight picking, more unprovoked swearing. He went off on a kid who asked him about trick or treating. Apparently he’s been doing it a lot through the month of October. She said that the behaviour is escalating and the only thing they can do now is try to hold him accountable.

I fought the suspension. I tried to find another way to work it but she was adamant. She said that she has a responsibility to the other kids and parents too and she had to make it fair. I told her that suspending would do nothing to help C and then she told me that there were other benefits, such as the kids getting a day off from Colt and his constant behaviour issues and she would actually be able to take a lunch again, rather than sitting with Colt.

First, that made me angry. Who is she to say the other kids need a break from him?! But then, who knows how they feel about it. If he’s making everyone’s life so hard, what good is forcing everyone to comply?

He knows the rules. For a while I blamed it all on the school, the shitty teachers, the kids… But maybe I’m the end they aren’t so wrong, maybe my kid is just an asshole and no amount of correction (punishment, reasoning, demanding, compromising or pleading) will fix it. I do understand his barriers and frustrations but really…he can stop himself from hitting another person and he can most certainly stop himself from swearing constantly. He just won’t.

I think, for a moment that everything isn’t as bad as it seems, and then pow. Yep. It’s actually twice as bad. I thought maybe the issue was with this older kid he thinks walks on water but, apparently, dozens of incident forms have been sent home that we have not seen. The bitch had the nerve to chastise me for not following up at home. She said Colt said there was no groundings, no punishment. He said he’d never lost his iPod or iPad. In some ways that’s true because we didn’t see most of these forms, but her tone…. I just about lost it. I doubt she will dare suggest that we are not holding up our end at home.

“Oh. Well, he said you didn’t care about the notices…” She said

I guess any ten year old night say the same but she believed him. Scolded me. I scolded her right back.

I called Dayne who is at a loss, like me. Somewhere in the middle of the mess of a day I had, i managed to text him a complaint about being so messed up I didn’t know what to do this time. He said he would pick Colt up from the sitter… Waiting for them now.

I don’t know what to say to him. Do I tell my child he’s being an enormous prick? He doesn’t care if he has friends. He doesn’t care if he gets suspended or expelled. I’ll take away his only pleasure and source of detachment (iPad) and will make him wash floors but in the end he won’t care.

I’m having a bit of a pity party aren’t i? My back hurts so much I had to pull over to puke on the way home. I don’t know where the resources are going to come from to cope with this. What if I just refuse. No coping. I don’t care world, drown me in depression, heartache, misery and pain. The worst that will happen is I will end up unemployed, unemployable, depressed beyond repair, and in so much physical pain I can’t stop screaming. They’ll give me something to knock me out and keep me down. I’ll live in my dream world forever. The trauma nightmares are a piece of cake compared to this crap.

Washing face so they don’t know I’ve been bawling. Not like it would matter anyway. Nothing I do ever seems to matter much.


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

One response to “Aaaand fail”

  1. KittyHere says :

    I feel for you. Too many people expect too much from you. Do not blame yourself.

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