Destruction and a new sense of understanding

Oh my goodness I have 128 work email I’ve not even opened yet. I’m getting so behind. I think I’m going to have to stay late tonight to get a jump on things so I don’t lose the plot entirely next week when the big work hits (monthly statistical audits). I was hoping to have a slightly more organized day today but it’s not looking great. We’re in the midst of prepping for Ebola, should it make it’s way to Canada. Luckily, we’re government funded so there are emergency funds set aside for disasters such as this. Our government is doing everything that should have been done in Texas for those poor nurses….live and learn I guess. I know it’s such a different system and money doesn’t just show up because there’s a need for it….makes me feel lucky and safe though. My workplace, at least, is well prepared should we need to deal with this horrible, destructive virus.

(Now I have 138 email…crap)

I went home last night so tired I could barely sit upright. Dayne came home not long after Colt and I arrived and he asked if I’d like to have a coffee (we have a little room in the back where we spend a little time each day running over things…usually Dayne just talks about work, but it’s the stuff that’s not appropriate to discuss in front of Colton). I wanted to…I knew he needed to vent, but I couldn’t convince myself to stand up. Instead, I turned on my electric blanket (it’s cold here now) and fell asleep at 6 pm. Woke this morning at 6 am….and I’m back at work. Feels like this is all I do some days. Most days.

This morning, we tried to catch up while I put make up on and he made Colt breakfast and got stuff ready for the day but it’s hard when you’re running around trying to get ready. Eventually we arrived in the same room and he smiled at me and held his arms out for a hug. I stopped talking and gratefully fell into them….have I ever told you guys how amazing Dayne’s hugs are? Colt’s getting there too but Dayne knows how to give a hell of a good hug. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, bending slightly at the knees so I could rest my head on his shoulder. He presses his legs into mine so we’re touching nearly head to toe, and he never lets go first. He used to say all the time that you should never let go first because you never know how long the other person might need. What a sweetheart he can be. 🙂 The best part of it all is that whenever Colt catches us embraced, he says “OH NO! I don’t want to miss the hug!” and will run over to shove himself into the hug, one arm around his dad, one around me. He calls them ‘family hugs’. Could there possibly be anything better? Seriously? It makes me smile from the inside out, every time.

That lovely, soothing feeling stays with me for hours and I’m smiling now, remembering it. What a wonderful touchstone to have. I feel very lucky.

As I move into this phase of life where I’m embracing the things that make me who I am I’m realizing what I do and do not need in life. In the past I have sought out people who made me feel bad about who I was…M was the star in that sky, for sure. I let him tear my heart to shreds many times…I took every nasty word to heart and I believed every morsel of negative feedback he delivered to me in his sanctimonious ways. That’s another post though. Or maybe not….I don’t even want to bother with the energy required to relive it all. I’ll maybe just say this: I worry about M in a way that no one else seems to but that only ever mattered to me, not him. There was no reward for being in his life regardless of how hard I tried. Every effort was reduced to some stupid lie he’d tell himself so he didn’t have to appreciate anything. I suspect he disliked feeling like he had to emotionally be there for people…any people, even his mother, whom he guilted into sleeping with him multiple times. The only reason he stopped is because she is losing herself to dementia and started resisting him. The guilt stopped working because she couldn’t remember the time before. I breathed out a huge sigh of relief for that woman. M is not capable of loving someone equally. He’s not one to put himself out unless there is an immediate and tangible return for his efforts. It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t throw blame and guilt around like confetti, but, it is what it is. I wish him the best but I’m not interested or willing to let him drag me through another round. Never again. If I even catch a whiff of M’s personality on someone else, I’ll be running for the hills. That was one hell of a hard lesson to learn but I’m glad I did. It taught me a lot about who I am and I feel good, in the end, for trying as hard as I did, even though he never once appreciated it.

I feel like a Juggernaut today, tearing through these feelings and thoughts. Today feels like nothing could hurt me. I’m too wired, too aware of danger. Have I mentioned the struggle I’m having with smells recently? I’m so alert to danger I can smell freaking everything…I have a hard time talking to people because I can smell their breath, body odor (good and bad) so strongly it’s off putting. When a woman comes by who is menstruating, I can tell from a great distance. It’s not fun and it makes it hard to be personable while you’re backing up to get away from someone’s greasy hair smell. I’m constantly eating mints to override my sense of taste/smell. It’s helping so far.

Wow, that was kind of scattershot, that post. Just a jumble of stuff in my head. Now that it’s out I can get back to focusing on this insanely busy job. Thanks for reading guys. Hope everyone finds something special in there day today that brings a smile.

(Gives you all a hug like Dayne!)

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

4 responses to “Destruction and a new sense of understanding”

  1. KittyHere says :

    Stick with the good stuff, the kind people. Flush the crappy folks and their bad behavior down the drain for good. With a job that probably should be divided up between two or three people don’t waste your limited energy reliving garbage.

    Writing that message for myself to rember too — except I no longer have a over demanding work life, but I did once upon a time— literally had a job I did split to three people when I left.

  2. Ain't No Shrinking Violet says :

    I hope this comment doesn’t strike you the wrong way, and I mean no offense by it….but do you think you could have a few autistic traits yourself? I have an autistic son who was recently diagnosed, and he has a lot of sensory sensitivities. After his diagnosis I began to wonder about my life-long sensitivity to sound (which seems similar to your sensitivity to smells). I just wonder, as we are the parents of autistic kids, if we would have some of those ASD traits in ourselves? I don’t think I have enough traites to qualify as being “on the spectrum,” but I think some of my sensory stuff makes me not totally neurotypical. I wonder if perhaps you are the same?

    • Grainne says :

      Oh my goodness yes. I actually suffer from complex post traumatic stress disorder from a difficult childhood and an attachment disorder from same, but the similarities between Colt and i arw striking. I often wonder how i might have passed along traits I gained from abuse when he has never known anything like what I knew. I am quite sure im somewhere on that spectrum. My IQ is very high but I have always struggled socially. If it didnt come feo husband is the same.

      • Grainne says :

        Whoops. Dumb Iphone keyboard.

        I was saying my husband is even more like Colt. The more he grows the more we see it. The anger and aggression he’s expressing now is like watching a smaller version of his dad. Dayne was in trouble all through school …

        Lol. So yes. I can relate. Apparently. (Thank you for the insightful comment)

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