Hello, Grainne. Good to see you again :)
I haven’t wanted to mention this because it makes me feel like I’m a slave to it, but…I’ve lost 10 pounds. !!!! I don’t really care what did it…stress? Likely…but whoot!!! I am a happy girl. If I can get another ten off me I’ll be at my (dream) goal weight and it’s actually starting to look like it’s possible. That little change helped my self image more than I’m comfortable admitting, but again, I’m not going to worry over it. Like the nurse who changed my entire perspective on myself said, I’m not focusing on what once was so much anymore, just how I can love who and what I am NOW. Work on improving what I have now so I feel more at home in my own skin. The change of direction did more than just make me feel better. 🙂
Because I’m happier with the way I look overall, my confidence is coming back…shining through. I can see the difference in the way people look at me, receive me, perceive me and accept me…..and I know, this time, it’s got nothing to do with the way I look physically. (Can you even believe I just wrote that?!) I feel more like me than I have in a long, long time.
Dayne, Colt and I went to one of our favourite time-waster flea markets on Saturday and I was dressed in my favourite boots (you have got to see these things. People on the street stop me to ask where I got them they are so different lol) a pair of leggings that fit again and a casual top with a sweater. I had my black and white scarf that has a very subtle skull print and my usual handful of silver jewelry on my neck and arms. I felt great…looked good, felt good, the pain was simmering in the background but wasn’t really holding my attention. People seemed to go out of their way to engage me and everyone I smiled at smiled back…it was a nice feeling, being in a place where I felt so exposed yet still in control and sure of who I was.
At home, later that evening, Dayne was looking at me with a goofy grin on his face.
“What?” I asked with a grin of my own.
“It’s just really nice to see you like this again. I thought we had lost that Grainne forever.”
“Sorry?” I responded, confused. “Have I been someone different?”
“Oh hell yes! After your divorce, when everyone turned on you and Harry ran around betraying you and your deepest secrets you just shut down. You retreated further back with every passing day until you were so isolated you shared nothing of yourself with anyone. Even me.”
I thought back to that time and knew exactly what he meant. After I left Harry he went nuts, running all over the city, calling everyone I’d ever known including bosses, coworkers, friends, and my family, to tell them all the things I might not have wanted them to know. Things about my past abuse…deep, personal things. He did it to hurt me, and it did the job very well. I pulled back and just hid away from the world until two things happened. One, I met M and two, I met Orlaith. Two people I decided to trust…to test the world with. M fucked me over so bad I nearly lost my entire sense of self, and Orlaith, well, she was the one who lied to me about her entire life, lied about a tragic car accident that almost killed her and her unborn baby, lied about the birth of the baby, lied about the baby getting cancer and then lied her little heart out as I cried with her and soothed her….I spent a good year being there for her as much as I could be. I felt so much pain and despair for that little one who never really existed. When I called her on it she closed all her email accounts and vanished from the face of the earth. I was never given an explanation or even an apology. Nothing. Just….gone. It broke me. I know I shouldn’t have invested so much but it didn’t even occur to me that she might be making it all up. I’ve tried to let it go and forgive her in my heart….I didn’t actually realize the impact it had on my overall ability or desire to trust. Dayne did though. It’s always amazed me, how quietly observant he can be.
The conversation then, turned to a change I’ve been noticing at work in how people receive me. Last week, several times, coworkers commented on my outfit, jewelry or boots. Lol…god I love those boots. I was standing in the reception area chatting with a therapist when a few others came by.
“Oh Grainne! Those boots are SO you! I love them!” They nodded in agreement as they spoke.
It stopped me dead cold. I smiled and thanked them, of course, but inside I felt like someone had just peeled the skin back from my body and exposed my entire being to the world. I went back to my office and tried to locate the source of the discomfort when I realized what had just been said. Somehow, these people who I’ve only known for a few months, whom I’ve barely spoken to on a personal level, were able to identify something I was wearing as being a good fit with my style.
This may all sound innocuous to most, but the thought of people knowing that about me was terrifying….and elating. It meant that I was finally able to be ‘me’ in a true sense that I’ve not experienced in a long while in my life. It meant that when I decided to let go of the past troubles, let go of the worry and picking over what everyone thought of me to establish ‘who’ I was in the world and decided to just be ME…the me I used to be (and always was)….it worked. Or, it’s working, at least. I have allowed the people around me to peek into who I am, what I like, and what makes me feel good. As I explained this to Dayne, he noted that it was an obvious change. He said he was proud of me for letting myself show more to the world. I’m pretty proud of me too.
The world is coming back into focus, a bit, and it’s really exciting. I hope there’s not too many hurdles in my way at this point so I don’t lose my footing, but really, this change is deep inside me…I can’t see very many things reaching it. I feel magnetic and in control, not of everything….but I don’t need to have everything in my hands, just my own self image, respect and self acceptance.
What an interesting day it is today. I’m tired, but not exhausted; in pain but not so much I can’t enjoy my day, stressed but accepting of my busy, never-ending job, and I feel like I have Colt’s school issues well in hand. It could all fall apart in a moment, but, for now, I’m going to relish this, even if it only lasts a few more minutes. (She says as the phone starts ringing endlessly….)