Often times, the people I am kindest to…the ones I put myself out for the most, are the ones who least believe in me. I just had the most annoying email exchange with an asshole from the past…wasn’t a good idea in the first place. The moment I divert my attention from him (no matter the cause, I could be in fucking surgery and he’d still accuse me of mistreating him and lying about my whereabouts). Anyone who cares in the least for me would understand, if only in part, that I’m in so much pain I can barely function. I get almost no credit for that in life….maybe I should start endlessly complaining to everyone I meet so friends in the future might actually give a shit. I give up on people….especially nasty assholes like that one. I put out so much energy when I had NONE for myself, just to make sure he knew he was cared about, thought about and loved. What do I get back? Bullshit, lies and stories made up so he can justify not wanting me around. He doesn’t have to justify it…for crying out loud, everyone is welcome to just GO without telling me why. I don’t care to hear the lies people tell themselves anymore. Seriously! So I set filters for all of his email addresses. Anything that ever comes in from him from this point forward is instantly deleted and dumped before I even get a chance to see it. I’m so over being made to feel guilty because I was too tired to entertain someone over the weekend I took for myself so I could rest !! I already have a dependent who needs me constantly…I don’t need a fully grown one. He even poked fun at my mental health issues with attachment. Told me it was too cumbersome to deal with. I told him to have a look in the mirror….but he wasn’t worth energy I was spending on the words so I stopped there. I tend to love dick-heads and I’m determined to break that habit once and for all this time.
ANYWAY…that’s the last you’ll hear of that one. Door closed, heart closed, no longer even willing to try. I’m going to set about making a better life for myself.
I’m not letting this affect the way I feel about myself this time. No matter how heavy the guilt feels, I’m going to carry it and feel it until it dissipates. I will only allow people in who love me for something other than the possibility of getting in my pants. It’s not going to happen, no matter how flattering they may be.
There. Now that’s out of my system I’ll write another about our appointment with Colt’s doc last night. It was an excellent one.