Guilt and … well, guilt.
Well now. Tuesday flew by after working a 11 hour day. I got a huge chunk of payroll entered so I’m pretty happy about it, however, I passed out the moment I got home and that is more or less the last I remember. Anyway. Felt good to get a jump start on it. It happens every two weeks so it’s never ending, just the same.
I am, for the first time in a long while, feeling rather down. It’s definitely depression that’s dragging me under..I know this feeling well. I’m not sure if it’s just life that’s getting me or if I’m too tired to think straight. Things are so difficult with Colt now. Difficult with Dayne…everything is miserable and sour at home most days. Colt will say “no” before doing exactly what was asked just for the sake of it, which makes me feel even more hopeless. We have an appointment with his psychiatrist this evening so I’m hopeful that something will come of it…some new ideas or strategies at least. I want what I’ve always wanted; to help Colt become the best he can be and be as happy possible.
Did I mention that I feel terribly guilty over his suffering?
Did I mention that I often feel it’s all my fault?
Did I mention that it’s so paralyzing, feeling like you cannot ease your loved one’s suffering no matter how you try? If I could take his pain I would, even if it meant my undoing. I’d rather rot away in a padded cell somewhere and give him happiness than anything in the world. It’s so hard to watch him suffer.
I’d like to throw in the towel but I feel like I can get through the day, so, I guess I’ll get at it. I got a tongue lashing from one of my bosses this morning and, although the entire issues had little to do with me, I had to deal with it. I won’t let her bully me … she’s pretty aggressive at times, and aggression gets to that ptsd part of me, triggering bizarre reactions and emotional chaos inside. I start to doubt myself, feel worthless and stupid and that ever-haunting feeling of not being good enough echoes so loudly, I can barely hear anything else. I did stand up to my boss though, politely at that, and she conceded I was in the right when we were through. Still, I’m left with the aftermath. Just what I needed. :S
I am tired guys. How many times should I repeat that in this damn blog? It’s a theme in my life, I suppose.
In my dreams last night I was wandering the shoreline by the place I visit often. I haven’t been there for a long while so it was almost a vacation feeling I got, being there. There was a flat that someone had stayed in before me and I rented it for a few months, fully furnished. All I had to do was put all my little bits and pieces away…my make up and bathroom stuff, my few clothes stuffed into the built-in drawers. I cleaned the place and polished all the wood, making it gleam with warmth, and then gazed out the window in the bathroom watching the waves out in the ocean.
I walked a long way by myself, smoking cigarettes and stopping here and there to take photos with my phone. There was an active volcano off in the far horizon and all you could see were the tendrils of gray-black smoke floating above a hot-red glow. After a brief fantasy of throwing myself into the scalding pit of lava, I sighed and sat on the cool, damp sand, and watched the tide come in.
*Sigh* I want to go back to sleep. There just seems to be nothing soft in my life; nowhere to turn. I’m tired of being alone in my head. I’m seeing my family doc on Monday morning and I’m going to ask for a new pain killer/muscle relaxer to try. Something that doesn’t leave me so tired all the time while still in pain. I’m not ready to go through that again, the medication trial/adjustment and bullshit, but I can’t just keep going like this. I’m not sure I’ll make it otherwise. Ehh. Today, I just don’t really care.