Monday Blues (or Tuesday…who cares)
Dark nights, dark days. I seem to have lost my footing somewhere. Dayne thinks it’s because I was asleep for so long. I’m sort of in agreement, in part anyway. The more I sleep the more I get lost in dreams. The more I’m home and not at work, the more I sleep. I’m not sure what’s better for me most days, sleeping and feeling this way but with reduced pain physically, or being exhausted, stressed, overtired and in pain all the time. Nice choice to have to make every damn day. :S
This morning the sun came up in sepia tones. I have no idea why but the sunrise gave a full, muted-golden cast to everything as I was driving in…the bright reds, oranges, yellows and green of the trees in the dusty light made it so beautiful…like I was driving through an old movie. It was quite beautiful, and then became doubly so as the sun burst above the horizon in pinks and reds. “Red sky in the morn…sailors be warned…” ran through my head. It’s warm and humid today, in great contrast to the weekend when it was blazingly sunny but cool. Proper fall weather. I was sweating and cold, overheating and sticky….I hate the irregular way my body keeps temperature. I don’t know if it’s the drugs or me anymore. I think I might be nearing my period which would explain the sweats and general feelings of malaise. Yay. Why the hell not…..pile it on.
My dreams have been relentlessly exhausting. It is so frustrating to sleep for 20 hours and then wake up feeling like I need a nap. No joke, most nights it feels like I’ve just come home from work and then my alarm goes off. I get home from real work, sleep, go to dream work, wake, got to real work…it’s mind numbing at best. I’m so tired right behind my eyes I feel like I could fall into a coma and rest for a year with a smile on my lips (and terror in my head).
So. I’ve worked my butt off in therapy for years, like so many of my friends here have done. I sorted a lot of crap out and have come to understand so much more about who I am through the work I’ve done and I’m a much more stable, settled human being. The pain of the arthritis in my spine is another thing I’ve overcome, to a degree. I try not to give it much life by keeping it inside me while looking for ways to make it easier on myself. It’s not easy. Last night, Dayne was watching me sob across the room feeling helpless and hopeless and he tried to bolster me.
“Remember, the pain is only really bad in the winter. Just focus on next spring and things will be okay eventually. You’ve not been in a lot of pain lately…maybe it won’t be as bad as last year?”
What he doesn’t realize (and I didn’t explain because it’s terribly depressing) is that the pain hasn’t really altered much in the last months. There have been some low times, for sure, but most of the time I’m in pain. Most of the time my head hurts and my jaw aches. My eyes hurt….if I cry at ALL, I’m in a world of trouble. Two tears and I’ll end up with a crashing headache, sore eyeballs that swell and throb with pain, massive sinus pressure and a vertigo feeling that leaves me nauseous. Most of the time my neck hurts in such a scary way…I can feel the bones sitting at angles on top of each other and every turn of my head feels like it’s taking me one step closer to the time when I can no longer do so. The grinding feels instinctively wrong…dangerous. My shoulders and arms along with my upper back are always sore, always aching, always tense and strung out feeling. The weakness gets worse each time I check it so I’ve stopped checking. My lower back is also nearly always in pain. It hurts to sit and press the curve in it into pain and I can’t lie flat or it causes pain from the other side. At night I can’t lie on my sides because of my shoulders and arms (the pain is unreal. I dream of my arms being set on fire or being stretched by ropes until they tear off my torso) and when I wake, in pain and gingerly move to my back my lower back screams at me. I flip to the other side and sleep for an hour, then wake with stone arms and painful shoulders, flip to my front and my lower back screams at me. It’s ridiculous. I have round pillows to jam under my legs, lower, back, neck, torso….I have two body pillows to lean against so I don’t put too much pressure on my body…what I need, is to lie suspended in space so that there is zero pressure on my body. I’m looking into that. There’s got to be a sling or some sort of suspension device I could find.
The pain is the same even when I don’t complain about it. That was my point….I don’t like to complain in the first place, but constantly thinking about it brings it too much into real life and I eventually find I can’t escape it. The bad part of all that is that I’m so good at hiding it, folks think I’m not in pain anymore. That doesn’t help my case at all but I can’t think of anything else to try. So tired.
Dayne convinced me that it’s time to try another med. The ones I’m on hold me *just* at the point where I can function most days, as long as I only work my 8 hours and then sleep nearly immediately upon getting home. I sleep all weekend…wasting the hours away. In tears, I implored Dayne to just let me change things somehow so I didn’t end up wasting my last good ten years or so entirely on a job. Every ounce of energy I have goes here, into my office, where I can’t keep up. The pittance remaining goes to Colt, who deserves the lion’s share, and there is nothing left for anything else. It’s getting hard to justify.
So. I started writing. Everyone who loves me has been after me to write a novel since I can remember and I put it off and push it away, maybe afraid that it won’t be good enough in the end, maybe afraid it will be. I’m going to give it a try though. My time could be worse spent right? Maybe I’ll use my last year in the 30’s to write something that might allow me to back off on work a tiny bit. Maybe. There must be another way to supplement some income that doesn’t involve me busting my arse in a job that’s going to take years from my life simply from stress. Mah. Will see. I barely have the energy to think today.
Off to work. I have a shit load of stuff due by Thursday and I’m already behind with this short week. Wish me luck friends. x