Self honesty and another Wednesday
Today. Well, today I’m floating in the middle of good and bad, happy and sad, well and sick, strong and weak. It’s been so busy at work and my poor body is not keeping up well. The pain I have today (since Saturday) feels like I’m wearing a jacket with sleeves only that’s been set on fire. It’s a constant, aching, burning feeling that starts in my fingertips and ends where my shoulders meet my spine. My face, jaw, neck, shoulders, arms and hands with all joints along the way are very unhappy this week. I didn’t do anything too out of the ordinary so I’m not sure exactly what set me off … I suspect its the weather. It’s getting colder here and the cold, wet weather always starts me off with pain.
This morning I got to chatting with a patient who just had a double total knee replacement. They almost never do both knees at once but he had been in a car accident making it necessary. He was in agony and even walking the hall to see the clinician took so much out of him he was nearly unable to get there. I got him a seat and went to find a wheelchair, gloves and Cavi wipes, gave it a good cleaning and then sat with him to wait for his appointment. He looked pretty dizzy and frail. He told me about the pain he was in, the meds he was on, the trouble he’s having and I could relate so well I nearly cried for him. Working in a hospital is food for the soul, I tell you. It gives me such an outlet to care, truly care about people without having to maintain a relationship. It sounds terrible when I put it that way but that’s exactly why I love it so much. There are no expectations to live up to or fail to meet. I can justify it all by telling myself that the folks I helped appreciated it and that I helped make something easier for them through their day.
Colt is still having trouble at school but we’ve hit a lull in the constant phone calls from teachers and staff. It’s kind of funny though, they were supposed to have his IEP (individual education plan) sent home for our review in the 3rd week of September but we’ve not seen nor heard of anything yet. I’ll bet that is why they’re not calling me….afraid I’ll ask for it. I don’t really care why though, it’s just so much easier to function when I’m not stopped every few hours to deal with something they can’t cope with. I mean, Colt is the easiest child to care for. If they just worked with him rather than against him, things would be so different for everyone. I guess I can’t hold them accountable for not knowing my son as well as I do, but I wish I could. If the school board wants to integrate autistic kids into mainstream classes they damn well have to provide for those kids or everyone loses out. Sadly, I see it happening with Colt too…has been happening since he started school six years ago. If nothing else, I’ve become a damn good advocate. I’ll take that and run with it.
lol…oh here’s an interesting update. Apparently, I’ve been having very loud and enjoyable sex in my dreams recently. Dayne woke me up last night annoyed with me but it was kind of cute. He was irritated that I was yelling out some other guy’s name in my sleep beside him but knows I’m dreaming and that the sex I have while dreaming is almost never for enjoyable reasons. I explained that dreaming of sex likely comes from feelings of inadequacy within me. I have always been able to get men to want me though subtle flares of sexuality and it was, at one point, a default action for me. People wanted me around, seemed to enjoy my company, invited me over….I was part of something when I was sleeping with someone. Their friends would become my friends, their taste in music would influence mine, their eating habits would become my eating habits….I would just merge with their personality and keep them wanting me in the bedroom, if nowhere else in life. I’m sure that’s what I’m doing in my dreams….they always seem to throw me back into something unfinished in my life.
I woke up super early this morning and its just hitting me now at 11:00 am. I woke at 4 I think…maybe a touch earlier, and couldn’t get back to sleep, amazingly. I can always get back to sleep, even if I’ve just finished a 20 hour nap. I’ve got the bleary eyes that keep losing focus, I’m overheating constantly at a gentle simmer, my head is hurting me and I keep nearly dropping off to sleep. I remember when I felt like this all the time and how awful it was. Now, I have a glassed in office that everyone in the waiting can see into so I can’t exactly be head-bobbing in my chair. Time to find me some caffeine. 😉
Talk later All. Hope your days are good ones. xx