Lost. Again.

I’m not sure what the point of all this is anymore. Things are looking rather bleak in my world and I’m starting to wonder why the hell I’ve been fighting so hard if everything is going to end up miserable anyway.

The last job that Dayne had was very hard on him. He worked for a small company who didn’t do everything by the book…Dayne likes to follow rules, do work properly and professionally…he struggles when things aren’t done on the level, especially if it’s just for financial gain for the company. He takes pride in what he does, no matter what it is. There was one woman who was a right bitch to him (and everyone) and she played stupid games like messing up his tickets and schedule, not ordering his parts for installation…that sort of petty nonsense. It drove him nuts. Every morning he would wake up and vomit from anxiety and stress. He did it for a year, trying to get enough time in for us to be able to get a mortgage but near the end he just couldn’t hack it. One day he looked at me and told me that he just couldn’t do it anymore; he had to get out of there. I worked hard with him to help him find another place to be and he took the chance he got.

He’s been with a new company for about a year. This place doesn’t do everything by the book, messes up scheduling and lies to it’s customers on a regular basis. Lately, they’ve been blaming mistakes they’ve mad directly on Dayne. Apparently, the entire sales force does this to the installation techs and project managers which is exactly what he is. The boss gave him hell yesterday because he asked Dayne to train his son (who works at the office and although he’s not qualified, his dad lets him do all kinds of work, leaving his actual team sitting around the office doing absolutely nothing) so he could take over a particular job Dayne’s been doing and he just flatly refused. Dayne doesn’t work that way and he gets so emotionally involved in his world that the personal injustice of it all is more than he can handle. He refused to train the boss’s kid, refused to take the blame for their own poor planning and was really angry when he came home. This morning I woke to him ranting at me about how he can’t take it; he can’t live like that anymore. He’s waking up every morning and vomiting from stress and anxiety. He told me he’s leaving….simply cannot take it.

I know I should be supportive here but…man, i just couldn’t do it. I fucking put up with that last job I had for five years. Five years of being mistreated, bullied, degraded and condescended to. I got their coffee, ran their stupid meetings and jumped when they said jump. I was in agonizing pain, depressed, anxious, having fucking flashbacks and desperately trying to work through it all while dealing with life. I did it for our family. I did it so we’d not all fall apart and lose the tiny bit of success we’d managed to scrape out of life. Dayne told me he didn’t want a life with someone on social assistance. He told me not to give in or give up. He said not working would be the death of me even though I felt like working as hard as I was would take the little I had left and leave me with nothing. I chose to keep working full time after finding out I maybe have another ten years (nine now…fuck…) to be able to function normally before my spine causes me to have to slow down. I fought through it all…it was hard. It’s STILL hard. Just yesterday he told me to apply for that old job I had…the staffing one. It pays a lot less an hour but it’s wonderful and I loved it there. The work was easy and I did it very well. The hours were wonderful, the people – decent as well. It would relieve me of an enormous amount of stress (this current job is impossible. I’m working 60 hours a week these days for much less pay) and would be so much easier if I could just slow down a touch…. Anyway. He tells me he’s going to end up leaving, quitting, getting fired…he’s not sure how it will play out. He says as long as he makes the pittance he made as his last unworkable job, we’ll be fine. So. Fuck me then. He’ll go ahead and find something better for less pay, be less stressed and I’ll just keep on destroying my body and my will to live and keep everything together for us all, like I usually do.

(Whine fest, I know. I’m just full to the brim of this sort of exhausting crap).

My car is broken and we’re not fixing it. I’m currently driving our second vehicle but it’s not a good one…we just kept it around to haul trash to the dump on weekends. Dayne drives a company truck so when he quits we’ll only have one vehicle. Not good. I tried to guide him into getting a new vehicle and job before he quits and he said we would. He’s just going to take a chunk of the small account we’ve managed to save for a down payment and use it on a new vehicle. Great. Whatever. I guess that will have to do. We have been desperately trying to find a way to buy a small place so we can give it to Colt when he’s older. From the way things are looking he’s not going to be able to support himself as well as we hoped. Mind you, that’s still pretty far off and you never know what might happen. Still. Need to be somewhat prepared.

Anyway. That’s the Dayne stress. He’s been really having a difficult time keeping his cool which has resulted in issues with the school, his co-workers…Sigh. If he can’t cope though, he can’t cope. Who am I to say anything anyway.

My son is threatening teachers with scissors. He has zero social skills, he is not progressing academically. My body is slowly failing me, my brain is messed up….my partner is lost and struggling. I want something different this time around…something new to happen, maybe even something good? I know I’m lucky that Colt isn’t sick with something that will kill him, that I’m lucky for the same, that Dayne is a good man and a good father. I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge, which is a lot more than I’ve had at some points in my life but the sadness and stress are so much greater now. Had I know life would turn out like this all those years ago I might just have given in way, way earlier.

I feel like I’m running on fumes. One day the sun is going to come up and I’m just not going to get out of bed. There seems to be no point. I’m too damn tired to fight for nothing…that’s really all there is to it. If Colt wants to threaten to stab people with scissors and Dayne can’t find a job that doesn’t make him puke each morning and nothing is ever going to get better, why would I keep pushing myself into an early grave?

Just….why?

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

4 responses to “Lost. Again.”

  1. nobody says :

    I’m so sorry everything is so hard. You don’t deserve that, not at all. I wish I could fix it all for you–I would in a heartbeat if I had superpowers.

    I know there’s not much I can do, but I’m around if you ever need someone to talk to.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks, my friend. I always feel you with me when I’m down….supporting me from where you are. xo I know you know this feeling too…the hopelessness of it all. I’d take yours on if I could as well.

  2. KittyHere says :

    You have worked and worked. You have been responsible and responsive. High time some one gave you credit. And so far beyond time that something helpful happened.

  3. Pete says :

    Babygirl Sis, you always have my love, Pete xoxoxo

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