Recap of my meeting with Colt’s school and the shit storm of emotions that followed.
Just had my meeting with Colt’s school. It wasn’t a bad meeting…we were just getting together to discuss Colt’s start to the year and talk about how things are going. The teacher, principal (the normal one…she’s not gone on leave yet), the school board psychologist, and the learning support teacher were all there to talk with us. Dayne came and he behaved nicely so that was a bonus.
So. They tell me that Colt has made zero academic progress since last year. They are not seeing him accomplish much of his IEP (Individual Education Plan) and they are concerned he’s not being tapped to his fullest potential. They want us to put him in an ASD program class, which they’ve been suggesting for two years now. We carefully weighed the social experience he was getting vs his education and decided that the academic stuff could wait a bit until the social had a chance to catch up a little. Apparently, the social isn’t catching up at all. They told me that from their observations, Colt has no friends at all. The kids in his class are very kind to him and they all try to help and support him but even the boys who he really liked hanging around with last year have moved into a support role; there’s no give and take at all. Colt is not displaying any empathy whatsoever and is not interested in his peers in a reciprocal way in the least. They all want to help him along but no one talks to him or plays with him….not that they haven’t tried; Colt won’t do what others want him to do…he likes to call the shots and will choose no interaction over cooperating with others. He is not engaging with his peers this year. He has a desk to sit at with his peers but he refuses to sit there, choosing to use the back table for his work. They allow it because everything is a battle these days, with Colt. They can only argue with him over so many things.
Yesterday, he was asked to go get a pencil and he refused. The teacher stood off with him and tried to make him do what was asked, it was such a stupid, simple request, but Colt was stubborn as a bull. He refused. She pushed. He threatened to stab her with the scissors. He threatened to fucking stab her. I know he didn’t mean it but he’s not a little toddler anymore…he’s nearly 5 and a half feet tall and he weights nearly 100 pounds. It’s not something they can take lightly anymore. I don’t know why he would say that….I don’t know if he meant it. It scared the hell out of me though.
I don’t know how I’m going to keep doing this.
The school wants Colt in a placement program which will take away all of his external supports. He won’t be able to go to his sitter anymore (busing issues) … although we may consider it anyway. We have no family and Colt has no one in the world aside from Dayne, me and this family who has taken him in and loves him like one of their own. If he loses that, all the sacrifices we’ve made over the last five years are for nothing. We live in a shitty cottage on someone else’s property just so we can keep him with kids who care about him but now…if there’s no social connection all we’ve done is created 25 little babysitters who don’t mind helping a disabled kid. The things I thought he might gain are irrelevant. He is, by no fault of his own, destroying everything we’ve tried so hard to build for him.
I feel like we just found out he’s more broken than we ever realized. All these changes…him growing up and maturing…the end result is what? Now he refuses to cooperate on any level, threatens to stab teachers, alienates peers and is determined not to learn anything or be told what to do by anyone. It feels like my heart is tearing in two.
Of course, Dayne jumped all over the things that don’t matter. Stupid shit about buses and providing support on school trips. I’m not sure where he thinks the school will find the resources. Yes, it’s frustrating to hear they can’t help him due to budget issues but it’s a fucking fact and denying it over and over again does us no good. The psychologist told us that EA’s are most often pulled from students when they get to grade 6/7/8. He can’t function without his EA at all….in fact, right now she’s only his for the mornings and in the afternoons they can’t even get him to stay in the classroom, let alone engage in any work. Everything seems to be spiraling downwards.
We are seeing his psychiatrist next month. Will see what he recommends. If he needs to go to classes in the psychiatric institution, so be it. I want the kid to at least be able to sign his name or at least … idk…have the most basic skills available to him. At this rate, he’s not even going to be a candidate for a McDonalds job.
In short, things are worse than I thought they were.
That meeting, after the weeks I’ve been having, just took the wind right out of my sails. I feel so much like giving up. What is the point of all this if things will just end up so awful? I can’t deal with Dayne’s anxiety, Colt’s disability and my own fears about what his life will be like along with the mental and physical breakdown of my body. Seriously? What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this? What did Colt do? Dayne? Nothing. Shit luck. We’re a small collection of broken misfits and that’s all we’re going to get in life. Each other. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to have them but I’m so tired. So god damned tired).
I want to cry but I can’t. I had to race back across town to get back to work so I don’t have to pull another 60 hour week (for 37.5 hours pay).
How am I going to get through all of this again? I have half a mind to run home, flush what’s left of my meds, get pregnant again so there’s at least one more person in the world for Colt to have in his life and let the pregnancy destroy what’s left of my body. Weird suicide fantasy isn’t it? Produce another child, possibly as doomed as my first, and then never go back to work again. I guess I could just lie down and not get up again. Not die….don’t want to leave Colt with anything less than the slim pickings he has. I’m in this for the long haul for him and I’ll stay in it until this world finally beats me and my body surrenders to whatever comes next. I kind of hope it’s nothing. The thought of black, cool, empty silence is like a lullaby to me.
I can take the pain of my bones disintegrating and my nerves being crushed and lit on fire. I can deal with headaches that make me throw up and cry uncontrollably that nothing seems to fix, regardless of how much I take. I will live with the ptsd, anxiety and depression that comes and goes from my world. I will deal with terrible nightmares every time I sleep, discomfort, pain and loss. I can take being alone in the world; having no family or friends to turn to. I can deal with feeling like I’m more fucked up than I ever wanted to admit. I’ll cope with having a disabled Dependant and a counterintuitive partner who disagrees with me on almost all points connected to our son. I’ll work harder than I should, push harder than I should, cope with more than I should even be capable of but holy fucking god WHY do I have to do all that and then have to watch my son suffer and struggle through what was supposed to be a gift. Life. Some days I wonder if I was meant to be here at all. I was born very premature…my body couldn’t cope and I had to be wired into life support to sustain life. If nature had taken its course, I would have died then, before I was ever starting to live.
I can’t help but wish my mother had been carrying me inside her womb when that motorcycle she was riding on flipped across the highway and took her life away. I can think of nothing more peaceful than hearing her heart slow and stop, from the inside. Mine would have followed within minutes and maybe then I would have been at peace. There is most certainly no peace in this life for me otherwise.
I’m running out of hope.