Missing but alive

I’ve been missing in action around here. I’ve been writing, a TON…but I don’t want to post what I wrote for a variety of reasons. One, much of it makes Dayne look like a jerk and I hate to do that to him, and two, it’s all over now and the stress of it doesn’t seem worth the effort to rehash it all. I think I’ll make a private post to get it all off my chest and out there. If you’d like to read it just shoot me an email and I will give you the password, as long as I’ve known you for a bit. 😉

So what’s new? Colt continues to struggle at school. Dayne continues to eff things up between the school and us causing a rift in our relationship with the teacher, already. Work continues to be exhaustingly busy, however, my bosses have been understanding and supportive and they are currently looking into allocating a few more hours to my job meaning I can get some help in for payroll and bill overtime when necessary. That little meeting with them settled a million and one fears in my brain so the stress relief was huge.

The pain is with me, as always. Right now the headaches are the worst symptom by far. They creep up on me and when they hit I cannot function around them. They leave me sitting in a dark room, sobbing, holding both the front and the back of my head while I rock back and forth, willing myself not to puke because the retching makes it even worse. When I cry, even for a moment, the headache flares up and gets me. When my neck hurts, my back hurts or my shoulders are sore, it gets me. Dayne has been giving me (very painful) massages to my skull that seems to help with the pain a little, but wow do they hurt. It feels like he’s bruising my brain….it’s strangely better than the regular pain though, or different at least. I don’t know anymore…everything hurts, every day and I’m losing track.

Dayne tells me over and over how he still finds me attractive at this new weight and with my new body shape. I believed him, mostly due to the sheer volume of his compliments. Then, one day a week ago, he handed me his iPad to show me some photos he took and what do I see? Naked women. Skinny, pretty, young looking naked women he’s been chatting with on video romps. He’s not the type to sneak around…neither of us are, so I’m not sure what he’s up to. He might be sleeping with them…might just be a distraction, I’m not sure. I also don’t know how I feel about it this time around. The last time this happened we were both off in our own little universes but this time I’ve been trying to focus on him and keep things good between us. I’m guessing it’s not working so well. Mind you, he’s stressed at work and his dad is back in his life…two things Dayne doesn’t cope well with. The issues with Colt are only compounding things and he’s even less able to control his emotions and reactions to them. More on that later…it’s too stressful to think of right now.

I’m feeling rather alone these days but it’s not very bothersome.

After a stressful couple of weeks I had a mini-PTSD flare up that took my head all over the place. Nightmares got bad and my thoughts were soon to follow. I day dreamed of running away from the world most hours I was awake and the moment I could, I’d go to sleep. That has left me with so many dreams rattling around, I’m now having issues remembering the difference between what actually happened and what I dreamed.

Last night and the night before I dreamed of my girl in the woods. I woke in her bed, in her arms, her hands tangled in my hair. I was so happy to see her when I opened my eyes I held my breath, not wanting her to wake. My heart pounded and it was so loud I was sure it would wake her but she slept on peacefully.

“I wish you would take me with you.” I whispered into the quiet of her room.

She moaned softly and pulled me closer to her; I buried my face in her neck and breathed her in. There was such a peaceful vibe in the room that the air seemed soft and fuzzy, sun-warmed and gentle. I silently wished the morning would go on forever.

Her dark eyes fluttered open and I smiled. She yawned and untangled her fingers from my hair, smoothing it back with her palm, touching my face with her fingertips.

Our tender moment was shattered, however, by the loud arrival of someone at the front door of the house. It was a friend I had once in high school who had grown to dislike me over the years. I wasn’t terribly fond of her either.

“Oh that’s Cassandra” said my girl. “She really doesn’t like you….you’d better get out of here.”

I jumped up and got dressed, pulling on clothes that were half mine, half hers, and opened her bedroom window to make my escape. I could hear Cassandra and my girl’s mother talking in the kitchen, just down the hall from her bedroom.

“I am going to keep her so busy she doesn’t even have a moment to think about Grainne.” Cassandra growled.

I took that as my cue to split. I hopped out the window just as the bedroom door opened and I heard my girl pretend that she had just awoken, alone in her room. Cassandra’s gruff voice carried all the way to the road where I stood, hiding in a small cluster of trees, and took out my phone, checking the time. I knew Dayne would be driving along the main road that morning and wanted to catch a lift to the mall for my shift.

I wrote my girl a text, told her I could smell her on the shirt I had thrown on and a deep sadness took hold of my heart for a moment. Every time I left her, I felt as if I’d never see her again.

******************************************

I find myself, through the day, wanting to be back there, in my dreams. I want to go looking for her again, find her somewhere, watch her from a distance, walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her, hang on for dear life. I just want to be closer to her than I am while awake. I count down hours until I can go back there, even though I know I have no control and it may be weeks or months before I dream of her again. I want to be on the city bus, heading to my mall job, living in my little downtown apartment with the huge department store beneath it.

The place I live now in dreams is pretty interesting. There’s a beautiful, open, sunny kitchen which I fill with live plants and flowers, a lovely sitting area with a TV and my computers…it’s a comfy place. The bedrooms back onto a long hallway with a half-windowed wall that looks down onto a public pool or rec centre of some sort. The elevators are forever dropping people off in my apartment, something I am constantly trying to stop.

Writing it is making the pull to go back so strong I can barely keep my eyes open. I want to be in that place, even the place where everyone is dead or dying, the world exploded and abandoned, rot and decay everywhere. I’d rather exist there, than here today, right now in this moment. The pain goes with me so there’s no relief there; just something tangible and very much needed.

Maybe I just want the peace of it all. Or familiarity? I want her love….or her attention. Maybe it’s just her presence. I wish I could find a way to bring her into my waking life.

Soooo. That’s where I’ve been. Asleep mostly, chasing an unknown woman through the woods, visiting old friends, working shifts at the mall. Maybe one day I’ll find something of this in real life. I just want to be happy. Damn it. :S Why is that too much to ask? Does anyone know?

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

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