Here we go again
And, of course, the moment things seem to settle down a little everything blows up.
Colt had a school trip to go on today. His teacher called me a few days ago expressing some concern about taking him because he is so defiant with her….refuses to follow instructions or comply and she wondered if he would pull the same behaviours on the trip. We prepped him and he was fine. Excited and ready to go. When they got there, not 45 minutes into the trip, they decided to go into a barn exhibit that had a live horse inside and Colt refused to set foot in there. They tried to force him and he snapped, was crying and very upset. The teacher called the principle who told her to call me. They wanted me to calm him down but she was using her cell phone and the reception here is so bad it kept cutting out. I tried to talk to him but he was wailing and couldn’t hear me…I just gave up and told her I would come get him. I called the sitter, made arrangements, called Dayne and then set out to pick him up across town so I could drive the hour round trip home and back.
Of course, when I called the Principal she told me that Colt had “head-butted” another student although the student wasn’t sure it was on purpose. The put ice on his head to be sure he was okay. Of course, Colt gets blamed. He tends to just take the blame rather than explain what really happened so they’re using that as confirmation that he hurt the kid. I don’t know if it’s true or not….I never fucking know.
So Dayne went to get Colt, since he was much closer, and talked to the teacher. Apparently, there were no strategies in place, no one was left to stand outside the barn with him while the kids went inside….would have been the smartest thing to do, and when he refused, the teacher called her boss who in turn told her to call me. There was no one there to help his teacher or him…it was just a battle of wills and it seems like she was waiting for it to happen.
I when Dayne and I talked he freaked out, demanding meetings and swearing about how they’re not supporting him the way they’re supposed to. He freaks and hammers the wrong points…”I want to see every stitch of paper work he did last year and make them prove to me that they followed his IEP! I want the last teacher held accountable for not helping him get his IEP completed…” and on and on. I try to present the other side to him so he can see both more clearly but he feels like I’m “taking their side” when that happens and he roars at me.
I called the principal who was snotty as usual. She told me she advised her teacher to take the whole class into consideration and ensure safety for all the kids. I understand that but it doesn’t mean that Colt should be left out or unsupported. There was no EA to help him because “there are more students who need help this year”. I didn’t ask if they all had IEP’s and were all allocated EA support because I know the answer….they use Colt’s support to make the rest of the difficult kids easier to cope with. He gets screwed thanks to that. First they refused to support him and now he’s having to share his EA, who we fought tooth and nail for, with everyone else…
I can’t take the anger and yelling from Dayne, dismissal from the school, amped up behaviour from Colt, and all the rest of the shit that’s going on. I’m way behind at work, very much overtaxed, in pain … I haven’t even managed to get my thumb properly looked at and it’s been months!! My back hurts, I have a headache, my neck and jaw are throbbing and the god damned phone rings constantly with demands for me to “do something” about Colt when they can’t do their own fucking jobs in the school.
I’m stressed. I want to cry but I’m holding on … barely. Mostly I just want to sleep. What is the point of all this guys? Why am I having to battle so hard just so my son can get the education he is entitled to? Why can’t I get on top of this pain or this job? What the hell is going wrong time after time after time??? Now I can’t focus, can’t think. My heart is racing and my mind is blank…I can feel myself slipping further away, avoiding all of this heartache. At least there’s that right? I can, at the very least, employ my mental health coping devices to keep me sane, as they were designed, I suppose.
I don’t want to go home tonight. I don’t want to stay here either. I want to run away from all of this so desperately.
What I really want is to go back to the job I had before this one. I worked from 7-3 (amazing hours) and although I was super busy, it was a simple job, staffing and scheduling a whole bunch of trauma nurses. I was in a clinical area, I loved the folks I worked with (and they loved me!), I had a great manager and the work was easy and fun. The only drawback, and I mean only, was the pay. It was a lot less than I used to make and much less than my current salary. I don’t think Dayne and I could afford to live with me making that little money. The stress was just so much less…. I could always pick Colt up and be there if he needed me because I was done at 3 in the afternoon…not like here where I’m working 7-5 most days.
Look, I realize my life isn’t the worst one out there but I am getting really fucking sick of never catching a break. I need a break from this….life. I wish I could check out for a month or two…if it wouldn’t ruin my entire life and the life of Dayne and Colt…I would do it in a heartbeat.
Three more hours to go and then I’m going home, getting Colt at the sitters and then I’m going to sleep on the couch until tomorrow. Maybe I’ll find more drive then. Somehow.