I am so full of….*haha* don’t you dare….emotional turmoil. I have been so busy at work, and I mean work ten hour days with no breaks busy, I’ve not been able to jot down anything, not even a patchwork draft to post. By the end of the day I have several dozen small thoughts that do not connect to the next by any stretch of the imagination, so, I’ve scrapped it all and I’m starting again.

School. Wow. I swear to God, I thought things would get easier as Colt got older. I was so, horribly, ass-backwards wrong I can’t even wrap my head around it. This year has consisted of all of five days so far and I’ve had to deal with 8 phone calls from the school. EIGHT. My cell phone, office phone, email…these people are on me constantly and it’s mostly for things I can’t do a damn thing about from my freaking office. I mean, how am I supposed to force Colt to listen to them from here? I can ask him to, tell him to, threaten grounding, beg him to….it doesn’t really matter if he’s already decided not to. The only thing that might work is if I were to burst into tears and make him feel guilty but I refuse to do that to him. Guilt is not the way to raise a healthy child (and if I’m wrong, I don’t care. My childhood was so full of guilt I can’t even stomach the thought of Colt feeling the way I did).

So. He cannot seem to settle in. Colt does not want to do his classwork, does not want to participate in the smart board lessons (they have smart boards in all the elementary schools here now…they’re amazing. Huge white touch screen in place of a blackboard and all the kids can participate!) Colt doesn’t want to go to french, music or science. He doesn’t like it when teachers change (for those subjects) and doesn’t generally do very well on the playground. This year, thanks to me demanding and pleading for YEARS for this to happen, they’ve made him a “Kindergarten Peace Keeper” and he gets to wear a vest and patrols the jr. side of the playground, keeping kids in line. He tells me about how he stops little ones from throwing rocks and spitting at each other. I think that will help him very much, in the end, if he can keep it up.

So yesterday he was in line, leaving science and going to his homeroom, when he decided he wanted to be first in line. No one would let him ‘butt in’ so he reacted by randomly choosing a kid nearby and socked him. … *sigh* The school called and put him on the line with me.

“Hey babes, what’s going on?” I asked.

“Uh…Hi mom. It’s just that, I mean I wanted to be first and the kids wouldn’t let me and I got really frustrated and then I hit Emmett.”

“Why did you hit Emmett?! Was he bothering you?” I hoped there was some reason other than the one he gave.

“Uhh, no. I just hit him to be mean.” Was his answer.

Well….what the hell am I supposed to do with that?! He knows why he behaved the way he did, he knows it’s wrong, that he’ll get in trouble, that the office will be called and that they will call me. He is well aware that he cannot hit people….he’s been hearing it since he was two. There’s a lot I can do to help him but when he breaks the rules just for fun? What the heck am I to do?

I called Dayne, who instantly flipped on the school.

“That’s it Grainne, Make a meeting with the principal, we’re going in there and we’re going to fucking demand that they give him more help…..” I cut him off here….

“Dayne, stop. I’m not about to go demand the school hold his hands at all times to make sure he doesn’t hit anyone in line.”

I was too tired, suddenly, to argue more. I told him that he can deal with the school from now on if he’s unhappy with my ways and that I can’t fucking deal with the stress of having them call me eight times in one fucking week and then have to fight with him over what was discussed each time. I told him that I couldn’t spend the energy on all of this if Colt was just going to sabotage all the hard work and he was going to scream at me about the outcomes. He stopped. Said we’d talk at home. Said he’d pick Colt up too…since I needed to work late.

I’ve been in early for most mornings last week and stayed late every minute I could and I’m still behind here. That just adds to the bouquet of stress that has become my life these days.

Anyway. Got home, Dayne was yelling at Colt. He grounded him, made it very clear that we’re not putting up with this crap this year, told him that if he got suspended again we were going to work him like Cinderella doing chores and cleaning the house. Dayne said if we took toys away from him this time, in punishment, they were being given away to someone and would not be coming back, ever. This seemed to register for Colt. I hope so anyway. He wrote an apology letter, wrote some lines (he hates writing period…great punishment from the old days) and cleaned his room. He had no toys or ipad/pod last night and went to bed at 830, which coincidentally worked out as he slept the whole night and was well rested this morning.

What do I do when this doesn’t work though guys? I have a hard time with the yelling and anger, for obvious reasons. I lay down last night after talking to Colt and helping with his apology letter and cried for a while. It pissed Dayne off so I got into the shower. I don’t want him feeling like he has to hold the whole lot of us up all the time, but wow, did it ever feel hopeless for a while.

I went to sleep and dreamed of laundry and showers and unending exhaustion that never lets up. In my dreams I was lying awake in a dark room trying desperately to sleep. I was so tired, in my dreams. That’s a frustrating feeling…..let me tell you.

As for me. Shit hurts. My thumb gets better and worse because I can’t keep it splinted all the time. It’s better though, overall. My head and neck and pretty much everything below that point is half flared up…I’m in pain but not in agony, all the time. I don’t even bother taking extra meds anymore…just suffer through it. When I take an extra I end up so tired the next day I literally cannot stay awake. Not possible when working a job as busy as this one is.

Lots of stress. I hope, I wish….heck, I’ll even pray that this all gets better for Colt. It makes me want to throw up when I think of him losing all we’ve built. He has no idea how lucky he is or how good he has it at that school …. all those kids looking out for him and wanting to help him. 😦 I hope it doesn’t get wasted. I hope he can find some peace and happiness. I hope …. *sigh* I dunno anymore. I’m tired guys. Lonely, tired, in pain, exhausted physically and emotionally….and still hanging in there. I feel like all I do is move from one stressful situation to the next; whatever demands the most attention gets it; and then, in the end, all I do is sleep and dream of more stress.

I think my mind hates me, along with my body today.


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

One response to “Life”

  1. KittyHere says :

    Too much on your plate. The job is too busy to have to deal with calls from school althoughh I know your son is priority one. And is it possible that Colt likes hearing your voice mid day? If so then calls to you where they put him on the line strike me as counter productive.

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