Dream Girl Dream

Does everyone have a place they fit in? Do you feel comfortable at home in your own space? Is there a place inside to go when things seem so ugly you can’t stand to look anymore? I just go into my dreams.

I’ve been dreaming of my girl again every night, in those woods. Same route, same street, same everything…down the dirt road to the set of four houses tucked back in the trees. Same driveway with the cars parked across it, no particular order evident. Same front porch, front door, same sounds of splashing and squealing children in the back yard.

I wanted to take a swim and had been hoping to find the place empty but was disappointed. They were having a barbecue of sorts, loads of family around enjoying the sun and food. I peeked around the corner of the house where the bushes meet the wall so no one would see me creeping there. I scanned the crowd for her…looked for her red and yellow bathing suit that I knew like my own skin. She wasn’t swimming in the pool. I dared stick my head around further to take in the people eating burgers on the pool deck…she wasn’t there either. A flicker caught my attention way deep in the woods behind the home and I stared for a few minutes, focusing hard on what I was seeing, until she came into focus. My friend was out there sitting on a tree branch, partially obscured by branches and bright green leaves. The moment I saw her my heart started to hammer in my chest. I had to get to her.

I walked back to my car and passed it, walked down the road as far as it went and then turned into the trees. There was no path to follow and I had to make sure I wasn’t seen by the family or the neighbours, although the people who lived around them never seemed to be home. I kept low to the ground and walked in silence until I was sure I was well past the line of sight to my friends house. Then I cut back and walked towards her, hoping to come from behind so I didn’t startle her too much. I saw her up ahead….long, beautiful hair blowing into the tree branches, mixing with the leaves and wind.

I coughed. “Hey you…”

She didn’t look my way but responded with a slight nod of her head; permission to come closer. I walked to her and found a foothold in the tree she was perched in, climbed up to where she sat and squeezed in beside her. Our legs were pressed against each other’s and I put my hand softly on her back.

“I needed to find you.” I said.

“I know.” Was her soft reply.

“Is there anything I can do? Do you mind if I stay?”

“You can stay for a while” she said without looking at me. Then she turned and the full force of her eyes hit me like a punch. I nearly fell from where I sat.

“Thanks.” Was all I could manage.

She lifted a hand and took a strand of my hair in her fingers, swirling it around making a little tornado. I could feel the shock of her touch through my hair and into my scalp; tingling, tickling sensations flooded me.

“I don’t ever want to leave.” Sudden tears.

“I know that too” This time she looked sad and leaned closer to me.

I touched her cheek with my lips in a kiss but stayed there for a moment, breathing in the smell of her skin; memorizing the feel of it so close to mine. Moments later she pulled back and positioned herself to jump from the branch we sat on. Landing on nimble feet she turned to smile at me and then walked off towards the house and the squealing, laughing children. I lay across the branch and closed my eyes, content to sleep for a while.

I woke up missing her with a fire in my belly and a stone on my chest. She is so important to me, this woman. It’s like I need her just to breathe, to exist. I can’t get her out of my thoughts today and it’s a difficult thing to control….she’s not real. She’s a dream in my head and I don’t know who she is or why she eludes me so much.

Some people think she’s me, which has to be true, in a sense, since she is a character in my dreams and everyone we dream of is some sort of reflection of self. She feels like a mother, a lover, a friend, a partner, a best friend…like all I need in life to finally find peace. I wish I had more memories of her, rather than a scattering of dream memories of lying in her bed and holding her pillow to my chest to quell the ache within.

Silly. I don’t even feel this intensity of emotion for real people in my life. Maybe it is a cry from inside to love myself more, despite the things I feel.

Hopefully, that got her out of my system for a while. I need to get some work done…crazy job this is…so busy and full. I love it still, I just wish the workload would spread out a little.

Happy Tuesday then.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

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