I keep missing the point
I’ve been writing posts like mad and then saving them to draft for some reason. I think they don’t feel finished. I wrote a lot about M last week, several reasons for that starting with a dream last weekend, but I don’t want to post them. They are things I might say to him directly (much of it I want him to know) but I can’t trust him not to turn around and publicly post my words to his blog. Often, when I tried to express something to him that was important he would post it….said it wasn’t to poke fun, but to prove I actually existed to his blog audience (which seems to consist mostly of his neighbours who like to cause him grief. Some of it is all in his head but some is quite real, I suspect). I wish I could talk to him for a while…catch up. He doesn’t even exist anymore though…has turned himself into someone else and if I even think of reaching out, I realize how futile it would be, in the end. My heart has taken quite enough from him.
I’ve spent much of the weekend reaching as deep inside as I can go. I have decided that I’m going to start working out somehow. It’s the only thing I’ve not done full on….when I do even low impact exercises my body pays for it for a week following…often to the point I can barely move. However….I’m in pain anyway and I’d rather be in agony and feel okay about how I look than feel only slightly better and feel shitty all the time.
D made me feel really good this weekend. It’s shallow, I know, but honesty right? We were out looking through some second hand stores for little treasures (my favourite past time by far) and I tried a bunch of stuff on; something I’ve been avoiding for a while. I’m in a size large for tops now (which I’m totally okay with…lol. Hello boobs! I went from an A cup to a very full C and I’m not complaining one bit. I actually tried on a bra yesterday (a new one, not at the second hand store…blech) and fit well into a D cup. A D CUP!!! That, is amazing). In the bottoms I seem to be in a large/XL (size 14 ish) and it made me very sad to see. There were women shopping in that size of clothing much larger than I and it felt so unfair…they all looked so much better than me.
I was sulking afterwards even though I found a nice skirt that fit perfectly, and as we wandered D tried to cheer me up. He told me I don’t look as bad as I feel. He also told me that I didn’t look like an XL on the bottom… I have a bad sway to my back because of the arthritis, right in the lower section. When you see me from the side I look like an “S” *chest out, belly out, butt out*. The bit of fat on my belly is hugely accentuated by the curve in my lower back along with my rear end which has always been rather round. Belly out front, butt out back….the bit of fat plus the natural sway adds up to a lot of width when trying to get a piece of clothing around both. It made me feel better to hear that, as lame as that may be.
We spent the entire night making love though, and that helped more than I can possibly say. I think I finally fell asleep, wasted and blissful, around 5 am. I spent the rest of the weekend catching up on sleep but it was totally worth it. He whispered how much he missed me with gentle kisses and love…confirming again that this is the right path to follow. I’m so lucky this man loves me. If I ever learn to love myself, it will most definitely be because of him.
Beauty has nothing to do with how one looks. Nothing at all.