Oh my aching everything

I got home from work yesterday and managed to keep my eyes open for maybe an hour before I was out. I woke up in a panic around 9 pm thinking it was the next morning already but was quickly put at ease after fumbling around for my phone and checking the calendar to see if it was Aug or still July. Whew. Nothing better than waking to find out you have another nine hours to sleep. lol

Things have been tense between D and I for the last week. (ha ha tense…it’s a pun you’ll get in a moment). I’ve been having a pretty rotten flare up of pain in my neck and shoulders these last few weeks and the headaches have been driving me mad. I feel like I can’t get away from them as they are always throbbing in the back ground of everything I do. For whatever reason, D has not offered to help me out as he usually does. He will often rub my shoulders and force the muscles to move a little. It feels like it lets blood through to my brain…you’d not believe how rock solid my shoulder and neck muscles get when I’m in pain. The neuro said it was my body’s way of stabilizing my neck and protecting my brain stem and it feels exactly like that…muscles and tendons strung so tight feel like bone. When he moves the muscles it hurts, a lot, I usually involuntarily cry through it which makes it a rather awful experience for him. He knows how much he’s hurting me, but, it’s for the greater good in the end so we force ourselves through it. Also, it’s really hard on his hands, which I feel bad about. Anyway, it’s not a relaxing or fun experience for either of us, is my point, but it’s necessary for me to be able to keep getting up every day and making it through work days with this level of pain.

So. He’s not offered. I didn’t ask for a week or so, not wanting to make him feel bad, but eventually I had to. He said he would be happy to when I asked, told me he would that evening, in fact. Somehow we missed each other…I think one of us fell asleep super early, and it didn’t happen. Same with the next four nights in a row. Now I’m at the point where I need to sleep the moment I get home (or, rather, take the weight of my head off my neck by lying down which triggers instant sleep most days).

Yesterday I thought I might make an appt with a massage therapist for a deep tissue sports massage. The cost was $80 for a half hour, which is a bit much to assume I can take from our budget so I ran it by D before booking. He manages our finances and I don’t like to surprise him at month end by spending something he didn’t expect to be gone. The response I got was driven by guilt, I realize, but wow was he ever mean about it. He argued with me by text and insisted I go somewhere that won’t cost us any money…he suggested I go to someone I work with. I told him that we don’t have any massage therapists here and he ignored it and kept repeating himself over and over….finally he heard me the fifth time I said it and then decided I would go see a therapist close to our house. In fact, he said he called several and that she sounded like the best. (ahem) Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the help and all but that just got my back up. Who is he to decide where I go to get a massage? I mean, I would like to see someone close to work, not close to home and I’d rather take a recommendation from one of the professional staff I work with over D’s phone call assessment….. It really annoyed me, that he would talk to me that way, let alone dictate who and when I might see to find some relief from the pain.

Anyway, we got a touch heated over that one and I asked him to just drop it. I know he feels guilty for not helping me….I’m not sure why he’s not but I don’t want to press it…I’m sure it will just make things worse. He started up again just before I fell asleep when he got home and told me we could only afford to send me for one 30 min appointment per two week cycle, to which I replied, would be useless. He got pissy over it and told me I couldn’t go every day for an hour…we couldn’t afford it…and I countered with telling him then I’d not be able to work every day and that it was fucking mean of him to insist I work full time with this damn pain and not allow me to seek relief. We stopped there and didn’t mention it this morning so I guess we’re at a stalemate.

So complicated. I don’t feel it’s fair to expect him to be my personal masseuse, plus, there are so many other things that need doing, stuff for Colt being the most important and D’s always been there to provide Colt with what he needs. It was a lifesaver when I went down year ago and needed time to heal inside.

All that said, he’s also going through a lot of stress at work so he’s totally off his game. I’m sure we will come to a compromise that will suit everyone…he’ll likely be happy to be off the hook if I do find a system that works that doesn’t include him having to maintain my back and neck for me all the time.

I’m glad it’s Friday. I have a nice long weekend coming up…four days off in a row. Looking forward to it and I hope the rest will help break this pain cycle. Who knows? Can’t hurt right?

Hope everyone has a great Friday!

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

9 responses to “Oh my aching everything”

  1. KittyHere says :

    Royal pain in the neck! I detest conflict, we share that I believe. May the weekend resolve some of your troubles.

  2. marieolivia says :

    Hi Grainne!
    I hope your long weekend did you some good. I wish I could like send warm thoughts and they would magically make your neck and back better, but sadly that’s not how it works. Hope you two figure it out! I still send you warm thoughts though! Huuuuuuugs!

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you, lovely. Your comment made me smile. xx

      • marieolivia says :

        I’m glad to hear that. Making you smile is the best reaction one could hope for! … Or I guess laughing is even better, but ya’know, one day I’ll manage that too! Hope you’ll have a wonderful thursday! I’m going to work, I’m a bit nervous, but also looking forwards to it. Vacations can’t last forever. Hugs!

      • Grainne says :

        Can we connect by email sometime? I’d really like that.

      • marieolivia says :

        Yeah! I sure would like that as well.

        I read your post about Colt feeling disliked, and I feel for him, and you guys as parents. But I think the most important thing you can give him is acceptance and the safety of really knowing that someone loves him, as he is. I mean, the words of a bully will always hurt, will always sting, but if you know that someone really knows YOU, and still love YOU, then I don’t think it has to stick that long. To make sure that he knows his value despite people disliking him, or being mean to him. That despite everything bad in the world, he has worth for who he is. And let him know that statistically there just has to be some people that doesn’t like you, and that goes for everybody, even Elvis and Gandhi, and everyone. (“If everybody likes you you are doing it wrong.”)
        And just always let him know that he can tell. Just being able to voice the injustice you feel that is done to you will help process the event, instead if small event building up and then becoming this BIG thing that tears you down.
        Wow, sorry, I suddenly got a lot to say about this. I think he felt safe when you held him and told him that it was okay that he told, and that you will always love him. 🙂

      • Grainne says :

        Your comment made me cry! Thank you so much for the beautiful words and for bringing me comfort. Reading this made me feel stronger instantly, like a good mom to my sweet guy. I tried to reply earlier but the words wouldn’t come. Thank you again. I’m so glad we’ve found each other here in blog land. xoxox

      • marieolivia says :

        I didn’t mean to make you cry. I hope it wasn’t sad tears! And yeah, I’m glad we found each other. And I do think you’re a great mom to Colt, and as I wrote, as long as you keep telling him he’s valuable and worth something no matter what people throws his way, and no matter how he is different than his peers, it will be fine. Don’t let him loose his sense of self worth. Looking back I think if I had just kept that … things wouldn’t have been this hard now.

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