Oh my aching everything
I got home from work yesterday and managed to keep my eyes open for maybe an hour before I was out. I woke up in a panic around 9 pm thinking it was the next morning already but was quickly put at ease after fumbling around for my phone and checking the calendar to see if it was Aug or still July. Whew. Nothing better than waking to find out you have another nine hours to sleep. lol
Things have been tense between D and I for the last week. (ha ha tense…it’s a pun you’ll get in a moment). I’ve been having a pretty rotten flare up of pain in my neck and shoulders these last few weeks and the headaches have been driving me mad. I feel like I can’t get away from them as they are always throbbing in the back ground of everything I do. For whatever reason, D has not offered to help me out as he usually does. He will often rub my shoulders and force the muscles to move a little. It feels like it lets blood through to my brain…you’d not believe how rock solid my shoulder and neck muscles get when I’m in pain. The neuro said it was my body’s way of stabilizing my neck and protecting my brain stem and it feels exactly like that…muscles and tendons strung so tight feel like bone. When he moves the muscles it hurts, a lot, I usually involuntarily cry through it which makes it a rather awful experience for him. He knows how much he’s hurting me, but, it’s for the greater good in the end so we force ourselves through it. Also, it’s really hard on his hands, which I feel bad about. Anyway, it’s not a relaxing or fun experience for either of us, is my point, but it’s necessary for me to be able to keep getting up every day and making it through work days with this level of pain.
So. He’s not offered. I didn’t ask for a week or so, not wanting to make him feel bad, but eventually I had to. He said he would be happy to when I asked, told me he would that evening, in fact. Somehow we missed each other…I think one of us fell asleep super early, and it didn’t happen. Same with the next four nights in a row. Now I’m at the point where I need to sleep the moment I get home (or, rather, take the weight of my head off my neck by lying down which triggers instant sleep most days).
Yesterday I thought I might make an appt with a massage therapist for a deep tissue sports massage. The cost was $80 for a half hour, which is a bit much to assume I can take from our budget so I ran it by D before booking. He manages our finances and I don’t like to surprise him at month end by spending something he didn’t expect to be gone. The response I got was driven by guilt, I realize, but wow was he ever mean about it. He argued with me by text and insisted I go somewhere that won’t cost us any money…he suggested I go to someone I work with. I told him that we don’t have any massage therapists here and he ignored it and kept repeating himself over and over….finally he heard me the fifth time I said it and then decided I would go see a therapist close to our house. In fact, he said he called several and that she sounded like the best. (ahem) Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the help and all but that just got my back up. Who is he to decide where I go to get a massage? I mean, I would like to see someone close to work, not close to home and I’d rather take a recommendation from one of the professional staff I work with over D’s phone call assessment….. It really annoyed me, that he would talk to me that way, let alone dictate who and when I might see to find some relief from the pain.
Anyway, we got a touch heated over that one and I asked him to just drop it. I know he feels guilty for not helping me….I’m not sure why he’s not but I don’t want to press it…I’m sure it will just make things worse. He started up again just before I fell asleep when he got home and told me we could only afford to send me for one 30 min appointment per two week cycle, to which I replied, would be useless. He got pissy over it and told me I couldn’t go every day for an hour…we couldn’t afford it…and I countered with telling him then I’d not be able to work every day and that it was fucking mean of him to insist I work full time with this damn pain and not allow me to seek relief. We stopped there and didn’t mention it this morning so I guess we’re at a stalemate.
So complicated. I don’t feel it’s fair to expect him to be my personal masseuse, plus, there are so many other things that need doing, stuff for Colt being the most important and D’s always been there to provide Colt with what he needs. It was a lifesaver when I went down year ago and needed time to heal inside.
All that said, he’s also going through a lot of stress at work so he’s totally off his game. I’m sure we will come to a compromise that will suit everyone…he’ll likely be happy to be off the hook if I do find a system that works that doesn’t include him having to maintain my back and neck for me all the time.
I’m glad it’s Friday. I have a nice long weekend coming up…four days off in a row. Looking forward to it and I hope the rest will help break this pain cycle. Who knows? Can’t hurt right?
Hope everyone has a great Friday!