Monday Dreams and Popcorn
In pain and happy? Sort of. In pain and not depressed? Definitely. Not depressed at all, really, but for some reason the dreams of my little group of friends in my head have increased ten fold in the last while. Hrm. That sounds more crazy than I intended. For those of you familiar with this blog, you’ll remember references to the seven of us in my head. I have never been diagnosed with DID and they are not different personalities that merge with, or take over, my own while awake or asleep, but they are with me in a lot of my dreams and have been so since childhood. They are young and old, male and female, each very different and unique from the rest…..they don’t ever think for me, in fact, they won’t even advise me on things….they just follow me around, bearing witness, I think, to the things I experience in dreams. They are never threatening but also not entirely helpful to me. They just seem to watch and wait.
That said, D also acts similarly in my dreams, when he’s in them. I’ll give you an example to make this more clear.
D is often somewhere in my dreams waiting for me. Recently, he’s been on a back road just outside town, idling in his truck, while I dash from building to building, hiding in awkward places from the forces/people/monsters who chase me. I’ll shove myself under tables, inside cabinets, under carpets, in ceilings and behind walls…anywhere to stay one step ahead and safe from the demons in my dreams. It will take me ages to make my way through town this way and D won’t come in…will just sit there waiting, somewhat impatiently, as if he knows I’m running and hiding from nothing, causing myself anxiety and panic where it is not required.
Same with the packing and moving dreams. I’ll be frantically packing our stuff, no boxes, using garbage bags and whatever else I can find. I’ll be in agony (the pain often reaches my dreams) and will sob as I haul heavy bags up and down stairs, packing the truck by myself. I’ll beg D to help me but he’ll dismiss me most times. Sometimes he’ll pitch in when I get really upset, but most often he’s just waiting for me to finish. It’s as if he knows that once I’m done it will all just start over again in the next dream. He even gives me a look that says exactly that. “We’re not moving, you’re going to all this trouble and in three minutes you’ll start a new dream and we’ll have to start all over again.” It’s like he can see the wasted energy.
(Just broke out in chills and goose-bumps)
Annnyway. I’d love to convince myself I didn’t need to panic and run all the time in my dreams but I’ve been trying to do that for uhh…35 years now. Apparently I’m doing something wrong. They all seem to know it, the people I dream of. Kind of embarrassing, really.
So today, I woke with my lower back in pain and I’ve somehow messed up my knee, in my sleep. Today it’s left knee, left hand (so sore), shoulders, neck, face, and head. I’d be good with everything if the headache would just freaking go away. Meds aren’t working. Sleep isn’t working. Tons of water isn’t helping. Feels a bit like I’m going to snap if this pain doesn’t leave me, at least for a few moments. I can’t stand this driving, throbbing pain in my head.
Shoot…wasted an hour!! How does time go by so fast some moments and so slow in others!? I’m already looking forward to my sleep tonight. The 11 hours I got just isn’t cutting it with this extra pain I’m lugging around.
Oh and, just for shits and giggles, I tried to have some popcorn yesterday to see how my swallowing issues were doing. I tend to avoid dry foods entirely these days but that leaves me a little lost as to how bad/well some symptoms are doing. I couldn’t get the popcorn down…choked on every second attempt. Eventually, D asked me to stop eating it…I was stressing him out with all the choking. I didn’t seem so bothered, weirdly. Maybe I was detached…. Anyway. Looks like a swallowing assessment might be a good idea. My doc waved it off last time but I think I’ll insist. No harm in having a test done right?
K. Monday. Hurry up and be over with. *Yawns* Take care guys.