Head. Ache.

Holy headache batman! I have always had trouble with headaches, ever since my spine was first damaged when I was small. (yay dad. Thanks for that lasting ‘gift’). I recall in grade 7 (age 11-12) I had a seizure on the playground. Friends said I looked like I had been shot…apparently I convulsed while on my feet and then fell over onto my back without moving my arms or legs to protect my head which *thunked* off the pavement with a loud, sickening crack. I had a goose-egg bump that was very painful and had an overnight hospital stay with tons of testing directly thereafter. The neurologist who saw me then scolded my mother for not knowing I suffered from migraines….I remember her crying and apologizing to the doctor and how bad it made me feel to watch my mom suffer like that. I made excuses for her on the spot.

“I didn’t tell her about the headaches…” I tried.

It only served to make the physician more suspicious, I think. They did call the CAS (Children’s Services) then but since my parents started out as fosters in the very same system, a few meetings were all that happened and the case was closed.

It was determined by the neurosurgeon I saw last year that the original start to the degeneration of my spine, especially the cervical part, would have been (most likely) the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my father. The seizure could have been caused by the same, however, I’m not sure how since I have never had another issue like that again…..oh shit. Yes I have. I fell to the ground in the middle of a meeting in the board room a few years ago…I had forgotten that. Hmm. Maybe something to refocus on next time I do a round of MRI’s and appointments.

Anyway. The point of all that was that I have had headaches of this sort all my life. As a kid I would crawl into my closet and press my head against the wall, counter pressure and the force of my hand would spread the pain out and make it slightly more tolerable. I would see lights in my vision at times, which helped confirm the migraine diagnosis. Mind you, of all the migraine treatments I tried, none of them worked at all.

Last night I was in such pain but also so exhausted that I managed to fall asleep around it for short little cap naps. Of course, I dreamed constantly and most of them concerned something to do with an injury to my head. At one point I was in Emerg with a knife sticking out of my skull and they kept telling me there was nothing wrong with me. I questioned them, clearly pointing out the knife and they said that they couldn’t put me in an MRI machine with a metal knife inside my brain so, I might as well go home. haha…stupid, I know but it was frustrating while I was in la-la land.

I woke up over and over in agony and it was so disorienting. I would try to stand up, under the impression that I was trapped under something that was crushing my skull and would fall. Eventually, D started waking with me and would grab me to stop me from getting up to keep me from falling and making things worse.

So, here I am at work, medicated to the moon and I’m still in pain. Head, shoulders, neck, face and (weirdly) hands. I brought a bag of raisins to munch on for energy and have only water to drink to up my intake…never know when dehydration plays a role, although I drink fluids nearly constantly. Actually, always. I always have a drink near by if not with me. It’s one reason my doc keeps insisting on testing me for diabetes but my sugars are pretty much always right in line no matter how many times we do fasting blood work.

So here I sit, floating along, trying to figure out where to focus my energy today. I think I’ll shoot for transient tasks that don’t require a high level of concentration. Hmmm have a few minutes to type…that’ll be nice and dry.

Take care my friends. Hope today is good to you.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Head. Ache.”

  1. KittyHere says :

    Wow, to think the system almost caught your adoptive parents. No surprise that you covered for them. You have done well to hold things together for so long.

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