A down day

What am I going to do with my boys? Colt is having a great summer so far and is behaving very well for the sitter (s) but once school starts up again he’ll likely take a nosedive right back into his old issues. He tends to do that when he is presented with the same frustrations. I’m trying to help prepare him but Wow does this kid ever hate being told what to do. I mean anything….he does what he is asked to do most of the time but I can see the frustration bubbling just under the surface. This sort of thing includes being told to get dressed, brush his teeth, eat his dinner….I suspect this will only get harder as he gets older. Makes me want to cry and then sleep for a million years….escape into nightmares that aren’t real rather than face the ones that are.

D is miserable these days too. He’s not liking his job at all and although he’s doing a lot of really good work, the sit-around-and-wait type schedule of the place is driving him nuts. He is stuck sitting in the office 3 days out of 5 and the manager is a prick. The guy doesn’t want to pick up any more work and likes having someone at the shop to send out for emergencies. D isn’t that kind of guy….I mean, he can do it, but he loves working hard, meeting schedules and using his brain. Sitting in the shop all day isn’t stimulating him at all. He gets paid well to sit around but, like I said, he hates it despite the pay. He’s starting to come home, make dinner for Colt and then passes out on the couch across from me when Colt goes to bed at 8:30 pm. Last night I asked him if he wanted to go to bed at 9:00 but he wanted to finish watching the show that was on and by that time that happened we were both out cold. I feel like I barely see the guy.

So now my house is generally miserable. I’m in pain, D is unhappy, Colt is grumpy and unsettled. The cats are doing well, at least. Hah. All this misery is exhausting.

I’m doing well at work, even in pain, although some days I would far rather sleep in than get up and go to work. The nightmares are escallating with the pain, as they often seem to, and now I’m dreaming of being rejected for things because I’m overweight. (I knew that would come up eventually as I’m feeling really down about it these days). Last night I dreamed I was auditioning for some sort of musical and although I sang well, the producers just sat and looked at me in disgust. They played film of me from years ago when I was young and beautiful. Looking between the screen and my actual body they just shook their heads.

“What the hell happened to you…?” One of them wondered aloud.

I felt every bit of fat on me wobble as I left the room, teary and feeling horrible about myself.

I suppose it wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t still gaining. I eat an apple and a granola bar at work and a small dinner each night with tons of water and green tea between and I’m still crawling upwards. It makes me freak out inside….I don’t even really want to be skinny again, like I was, but wow, is it ever hard to find clothes that fit. I bought a size 16 shorts and they didn’t fit right. 16. I was a size 2-4 not even two years ago. Was an 8 not six months ago (and that was fine too).

So it’s not my thyroid. My doc checks that constantly. I’m not diabetic, I have no weird tumors or conditions…the only thing that has changed from me being 135 and 155 is the addition of the birth control pill. I’m going off that for a month starting now so, maybe I’ll see an improvement and all will be fine. All I know is that this is the last straw. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to cringe when I see my reflection in the mirror. I don’t know where to get confidence from if I look like shit.

I hurt all the time and my head is just killing me with the headaches. I wake up every night now with a screaming pain in my head, throbbing and completely over the top pain-wise. I woke to it around 2 am last night and stood up to get some meds…fell over. Smashed my head off the coffee table. *sigh* Didn’t help, of course. I got the meds and then promptly threw up (the headaches often make me do so). It turned into a battle with my body where I take meds with a teeny tiny sip of water and then hold my head, front and back, as tight as I can with an ice pack on my neck and I basically sit in the dark and rock back and forth trying to ride it out without puking the meds up again. Somewhere around 4 am I was successful and the moment the edge came off the pain I passed out on the floor, waking at 6 when my phone alarm went off beside my head. (Also had an earwig smooshed under my face. Was rather disgusted, flicked it away and got in the shower).

All that said, I’m not really feeling lonely or seeking any comfort. I’m quite happy to have only a few people to keep in touch with these days. Coping with the pain is taking up so much of my energy and now my weekends are spent negotiating with two grumpy, unhappy, miserable guys who don’t want to do anything but sit around and mope. I guess they get a turn though…I did it to them for a while when I was in a worse place. It just makes home a place of stress and (what feels to me like) rejection. It kinda sucks. I wish we were happier. I wish there was something D wanted to talk about aside from bitching about work constantly. He can’t seem to stop…it just circles in his head and he’ll tell me the same story ten times in a row, ten different ways, explaining every little detail to the letter. I want to help him but I know that wallowing in his cycles won’t help at all….still, I listen and try to give helpful advice. I want him to feel better, be happier and look to a more promising future. Kinda hard when Colt seems to be self-sabotaging everything (hmmm I wonder where he got that little trait from eh? Crap. :S), while I’m in constant pain and D hates everything he does in his day.

When do I get to win? Seriously. I am thankful as anything to have this job so that’s one decent experience in the last while. I can’t complain, really. Two people I know are in the process of being fired or laid off and they are getting no help from anywhere, even the gal on layoff. She’s about to get her severance papers and get sent walking. The other…well, she made her own bed but I still feel bad for her. I could be much sicker than I am….it’s just pain, after all. Colt could be afflicted by a more severe form of Autism. Things could most certainly be worse and I feel lucky for what I do have but wow….will the fight just to be happy ever end? It’s one thing after the next around here.

Sometimes I still wonder if I’m bringing all this to myself but I’ve wandered this path so many times it seems futile. I think if we had someone to turn to…some family around who might be able to help us somehow; How, I cannot say. I know people, no matter how much they loved us, would not be able to fix Colt’s problems, or mine or D’s for that matter. It just is what it is. I will not be relieved of this pain ever, in fact, I’m constantly aware that *this* is about the best I’m likely to ever feel again. Colt will always have struggles to face and his behaviour will have to adapt or, it won’t and he’ll not get along well at all in society. D is the only one who might win out of us all but he is trapped in a place where everyone he loves is suffering. It’s a hell of a lot of pressure to think it’s all on him, I know.

We take walks through the woods on weekend, try to find some peace, but just beneath the surface D is thinking about work, Colt is thinking about not wanting to be there and I am ever-so-carefully trying not to break my neck in a tumble on some loose earth or a camouflaged tree root sticking out of the ground. The neurosurgeon told me to be careful of these things….My neck is a pretty messed up place. Imagine a Jenga game, blocks sticking out at all angles, threatening to collapse at any moment. That pretty much looks exactly like the MRI pictures of my cervical spine. The last thing I need is to be paralyzed from the fucking neck down. Although it should at least relieve the constant pain. (Oh shit no it wouldn’t! I’ll bet the only part I could feel would be the insufferable headaches!).

I’m starving. Maybe I’ll make myself some green tea to fill my stomach up.

Craaaaaaap this life is just so hard to stay positive about. What the hell did I ever do to deserve all of this? What did any of us do? *Sigh*

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

12 responses to “A down day”

  1. Mental Mama says :

    Some of us fat people find our confidence in our skills and abilities, not the external wrapper that we wear.

    • Grainne says :

      I’ve always envied your amazing sense of self. I never really felt confident in anything but my looks before in life. Stupid, I know, but true. I’m trying to love me for who I am and not what I look like but I’m struggling. I know that no one but me cares how much I weigh. :(. Xox

    • Grainne says :

      I’ve noticed you don’t read my blog anymore. I hope I didn’t offend you. Always looked up to you, really. :(. Take care Mama.

      • Mental Mama says :

        I still “follow” but the semester is about to start and I have very little time to read or comment. I tend to only leave comments when I feel I have something to contribute these days. Most of your posts lately haven’t made me feel as though I needed to comment.

      • Grainne says :

        Oh no worries. I just didn’t want to have turned you away somehow and not ask. Never mind me. Just having one of those days. :/

  2. paindepression says :

    I find myself saying that often too…. What the hell did I ever do to deserve all of this!

  3. Charlotte says :

    *hugs* it all sounds so very unfair šŸ˜¦ and the only thing even remotely helpful I can think of is Gok Wan, he seems to be great at confidence building on appearances! But that’s not really the point, I know… So strange about the mysterious weight gain. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things, so it doesn’t make any sense why all this happens. šŸ˜¦ x

  4. awomaninpain says :

    It could be because your not eating enough and also the pill combined. My dietician said even though I’m hardly eating anything I’ve put weight on, so because of that she has put me on a regime of eating every 4 hours to keep the metabolism working hard, if you put your body into starvation mode by eating very little then it holds on to every ounce of fat and sugar you consume. (P.s I can’t find your email address so we can catch up properly šŸ˜¦ ) xoxo

    • Grainne says :

      You know, that’s an excellent point. I think I’ll try that…spreading out my snacks to every four hours. It can’t hurt right? I’m not putting much fat or sugar into my body.

      I’ll email you šŸ™‚

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