Monday blues and a little love
Coping. It all comes down to how you cope, I think. I’ve spend the weekend thinking about this, how we (as in the Global “We”) spend our lives. Some of us will forever wallow in the darker waters feeling helpless and lost and some will survive despite it all. Some will be happy about surviving and some bitter….in the end, it’s all in how you look at it. Perspective.
Today I am in a lot of pain. This whole weekend was difficult, actually, and it’s only grown worse as the hours went on. The pain is from my shoulders, neck, upper back, collarbone, ribs, face and head and it’s unrelenting no matter what I do. I spent much of the weekend with ice on my upper half, meds polluting my bloodstream and I was very, very gentle with myself. I did a bit of housework, got out for some sun and managed to paint my nails. Pretty successful weekend, all things considered.
When I woke this morning it was in a torrent of pain streaming from my neck and my lower back. Every time I tried to move I nearly cried and I ended up sliding off the couch onto the floor and ever-so-slowly got to my feet, using as few joints as possible. I took my meds immediately and hobbled to the shower where I sat in the tub and bawled as the warm water washed away some of my pain. I cleaned myself from there, letting the shampoo run over my face as I rinsed, and then I dried myself still sitting there. I was stuck like that for nearly 30 minutes as my medication slowly kicked in and by the time I had a tiny bit of relief it was time to leave for work.
I arrived before anyone else (strangely) and had time to check myself out in the mirror in the gym (there are full length mirrors all over the damn place here – impossible to avoid!). I was stunned to see that I looked pretty together. I’ve bought some new clothes (mostly second hand) to better suit my now-bigger frame as most of my old clothes were made for skinnier people. I feel a lot more comfortable in the bigger clothes as much as I hate the size of them. Anyway, I was happy to see how bright and alert I looked…like the costume had been applied perfectly. I don’t want to sulk around here, at my new job, all miserable and hunched over in pain. I want to pull this off somehow, for however long I am able. So far so good. I can be in such pain I try not to draw a deep breath and still look like I’m capable of working an 8-hour day with ease. (ha! Maybe I should look again after I’ve been here a few hours – things might change. lol).
Fuck I’m so sore. I keep trying to stretch out the pain but it’s not in the muscles…plus I can’t seem to stretch the areas that hurt so much. It’s like having an itch dead centre on your back that you can’t reach no matter what you do, only it’s pain. I could take another pill and knock myself into a zombie state for the day, but really? Really?? That this is the only option mortifies me.
I keep getting tea stuck on my little throat-ledge thingy (did I tell you guys I went to my doc for that? She’s setting up a swallowing assessment for me sometime this summer) and setting off choking fits that cause coworkers to come running to see if I’m dying. (They are so kind to check on me…lol…even had a near crippled patient wobble over to me on her crutches to see if I was okay). 🙂 Makes me happy to see that kind of compassion, but it’s still so embarrassing. I’ve already told the girls up front that it will happen and that I’m okay, just coughing, not choking. They are very good at calling off all the folks who want to give me CPR…lol.
On that note – the people here remain absolutely amazing. My first impressions were accurate – these folks love their jobs and care about what they do. Their patients are their top priority and it’s very common to walk by the gym to see several therapists gathered around a patient they are not currently treating just to cheer them on. One particular elderly woman has started stopping in my office to show off her progress each time she comes in….I adore her already. These people lift my soul up….I remain in awe of many of them and feel so lucky to be here. This job change has saved my life some…given me hope. So many patients walk past my office in worse states than I’ve ever been and yet they persevere; work hard to change the state of things. If they can do it I can do it.
On with my day. I’m going to go get a hot cup of tea and try to put a little space between me and my aching bones.